I had a panic attack this morning. I've had them much less than I did this time last year, when my depression was really bad, and I was in a job that made me go back and forth between crying or shouting throughout each day. Since then, I've been through lots of therapy, and I increased the dosage of my anti-depressant, and I have a new job with waaay less stress.

After I started the new job, stuff just seemed like it was perfect for a couple of months. It's a really great job. I can objectively stand back and see that. But, the last few days, getting out of bed has gotten harder. I start out every day hating my job, almost as much as I did my last one. And it's made me irritable and a bitch and I wasn't even fully aware of what was going on until pretty much last night.

And the panic attacks are back. They started again the day I was standing at my bus stop and a man jumped off a building across the street from me. It makes perfect since that I would freak out after that, and I took a few days off work, and I talked to my therapist, and I was afraid of going outside for a while. But then it seemed to go away. But now, every couple of weeks, I get another panic attack.

I need to get back to seeing my therapist regularly, and there probably needs to be adjustments to my medication. Unfortunately, I didn't see her so long, that it's become a pain in the ass to schedule an appointment (you have to apply to go to this particular clinic, because it caters to the queer community, and it helps people by giving free care a lot, so there's a whole process to starting treatment there. Now I have to do the same process again). And I don't want to talk to my doctor about changing up my meds without talking to my crazy doctor. So I'm basically going to have to hunker down and weather the storm for a few days more.

Sorry to lay that out here. I know I should talk about this kind of stuff when my depression gets bad, but with a lot of my friends and family, I see that it makes them worry and that stresses me out more. Sorry, John, that you are the one member of my family that is on FA! I think you understand better than a lot of other people though, and I think you know that I'll be OK in the end. It just is going to take some time and really suck for a while.

On the bright side, I'm not experiencing suicidal ideation (that's when you think about how you might go about committing suicide, but don't actually mean to carry out the plans, but it can turn into really being suicidal easily enough). That's usually the big sign that lets me know if I'm really fucked up. It's like a canary test. I can sit back and think "Do I want to imagine how I would kill myself today?" and if I'm horrified, I'm not too far gone.

Hey, on the bright side, I got a $75 amazon gift card at work today as part of a contest. I'm going to try to convince my friend (who's in charge of the prizes for this quarterly contest) to get a paypal giftcard as a prize (is that a real thing?). Then I could buy commissions with my prize money when I win future contests! And I will win.

I always win.