You really don't have to read this it's long and filled with ideology and childish ramblings. It's more for my own personal documentation at work.

Sometimes I find myself wondering when my childhood ended. I was watching Digimon The Movie last night thinking about it all and how I had such an amazing childhood and trying to determine when it had suddenly ended. I don't mean age wise I am also reffering to "innocence". Sometimes I feel like I am 10 again and everything is simple and clear. In alot of ways I think our minds are more proper when we are young (Mine was anyway) When I was young I was happy I watched anime, played video games, and with friends. I was a happy kid. The only unpleasant memories I have (aside from bullies) is not being happy with my short hair. I wanted to have long pretty hair like all my female friends and to wear dresses. However that isn't the focal point (yet)

My parent's were wonderful they had a very gentle hand raising me in my early years and I was more raised by the shows I watched and drew my ideology from anime and Japanese culture (Say weabo and die) Life was amazing back then the world was so vast and seemed neverending and full of mystery. I was innocent and safe.

However thinking from a 10 year old mind I have trouble understanding... Why couldn't my parent's just accept me? Why couldn't they have allowed me to be truly happy instead of waiting until I am 20 and on my own without their support. Why did they have to let my voice get all deep and my hair receed? I mean is it that big of a deal to them? Can't they love me for how I was born and how I always acted... I played with barbies and watched Ssailor Moon, Played dressup with girls... (I know the answers to these questions just bare in mind I am thinking from a different prospective)

Had they of let me transition I would be easily able to fit in to society and the transition process would have been effortless and natural. Right now it smells like spring and it all comes back. I love the smell of grass it's a tidal wave of memories every time I smell it. I feel bad for children... what they have to face come their teen years... I don't believe in what adults say, teenagers aren't troublesome because of hormones. It's because they have stepped into another world and their younger selves slowly start dieing. My teen years were filled with fighting (literal) for my ideals and not being able to understand all the hatred in the world. In fact I still can't... I don't really feel I belong in this world (not suicidal) I feel there is another one out there and if I wanted I could leave this one... I often think that's what  borys did he just left here to go back to a better world. Of course I'm not going to do that because I have  sultry and she alone is worth staying in this crazy place for. Growing up I thought video games were works of fiction but I know now all that corruption portrayed in media is correct.. it's not fantasy at all it's a parody of our world... except in the movies there are hero's who make the corruption go away.

I sound crazy right? That's okay if you've even gotten this far I'm shocked and you must really care and I shed tears of gratitude for knowing you (yes literal tears)

I know I am still childish hence I complain alot because though I work and function and know how this world is... I cannot accept it. I will never be able to rationalize the way things are in this world like so many adults can. I wish I could but I will always believe that there should be hero's and unity. I'll always be that 10 year old girl at heart. I won't let her fade away because I truly think that I am lucky to be able to keep her. It's probably the last little bit of purity I have and now that I think about it I have fought for years to keep her safe and her ideals alive. They may not be realistic but that doesn't make them invalid.

I wonder if this is why there are babyfurs due to this thought process. No I am not joining their ranks like I said 10 years (I think... gotta do a childhood timeline that's my upcoming project)

Anyway I just wanted to express my thoughts in this journal, they extend deeper but I can't think on so little sleep and so much coffee (yuck coffee) but if you did read this I am shocked and truly grateful. I really didn't think anyone would read this but these are the inner workings of my heart and soul so I'm glad you did.