So I was just browsing my own page on FA like I do when i'm bored, and I looked at the dates from my last about ten pieces. All two months ago. It made me think. Two months ago I was a girl with hope and love. I really thought that I had a mate who was caring for me truely and fully. It would never occur to me that he told me lies. I trusted him so fully I had no problems with one of our friends (who's a girl) staying over at his house after she experienced some crappy stuff. I still would like to pretend nothing happened, and maybe nothing did, but the truth is, two months later I knew a lot I used not to. I'm not as cheerful and caring, but i'm also not as oblivious and dependant. I used to leave school if my mate wasn't there I was so lonely, because I burned every bridge I had when I was with him, just so that it was me and him all the time. Now I know how stupid that was to do. Two months ago I was the girl who had never lost her temper and kept her thoughts to herself. Now I say exactly what I think and I say it in the manner I wish. I'm not sure whats better, both things seem a bit sad, but I didn't understand. I still don't, maybe i'm a bit to innocent for some of the things I did, or maybe i'm just oblivious and ignorant. All I know is a lot of stuff has happened to me in two months that I don't understand. Some I do, but I wish I didn't because those parts hurt so bad. Understanding that my mate obviously didn't love me very much, and I wasn't respected by him or his family. That hurts. So does knowing my best friend would rather be with him than me, after saying she hated him for a really long time. That really hurts. Knowing somehow i'm the enemy from all this, and not knowing why. Thats almost too painful for me to put into perspective. People keep saying one word over and over. Bitter. I'm a bitter person. I always have been? I never felt like a bitter person. Sure I may not have been as outgoing and willing to participate in goofy wild things. But thats just shyness. I feel like i'm overextending a part of my body when I do something really goofy and wild. I don't feel goofy and wild. I'm a little awkward and uncoordinated, and I don't want it to show any more than it has to. I never would spite someone for no reason, in fact sometimes even if I had a reason to be mean I wouldn't. I don't think bitter was the right word. Now I feel that I am a bit bitter. The truth is I don't want people to like me. I don't want guys to think i'm sweet, because I couldn't handle falling in love again and the same thing happening again. I know it would. I see couples in the halls and I know, that soon they will feel the encompassing pain. At least one of the two will be hurt, and they will probably never speak again except ill words. There is not happy ending. Endings are sad and painful, because the close of something means it will never happen the same again. There is nothing sweet about the feeling I have. I don't even feel like its good to be free. I don't understand why such things would happen. I loved entirely and without doubt. I never told him lies, and I was myself. I told him the truth when he asked of it. I wish he could have just done the same. He didn't want to open up to me, and pushed me away. Now I don't know what to feel other than anger and sadness. 2 months ago I could walk up to the most handsome man I think i've ever met and have him hold me close and whisper in my ear. Now he isn't handsome to me, all I see is the ugliness and cloudy confusion of what he did. A sort of careless ignorance in his voice and his movement when he talks to me. As though he could do better things with his time. When I was the one that held him close when he was sad and laughed with him till our sides ached. 2 months ago I thought that life was simple, now it gives me a headache trying to figure it out. Two months ago I laughed with my old friend when I bought a unicorn pop and it looked so phallic that whenever I sucked on it we could help but laugh. Now I can't even look at her without feeling a similar feeling that I get from looking at my old mate. A rusty rubbing on my heart that makes it ache and a pounding of anger and misunderstanding cloud my head. A feeling that makes me not look unless I have to. A feeling that will never ever go away. Because I hurt in a way i've never hurt before, and they lied so much so I could never trust what they say to me again.

How I wish 2 months ago lasted forever, and how I wish it had never happened. Or I wish that it ended sooner so I didn't have an entire year before I was forced away from all that made me feel safe. I wish a lot of things, but wishing doesn't do anything. There is no way to turn back time or truely take back anything you've ever said. Thats whats sad about life. One person says forever and means it, and the other says it and doesn't. Someone always gets hurt. Its kind of funny how he said I would always be the one to falter and end it. How I was the one who would become cold and find someone else. Lose interest in his beautiful blue eyes and blond hair. Its funny how it was the other way around, and if it didn't hurt so much I would carry his face from when he was with me in my mind forever. Of course he doesn't look like that anymore. He doesn't always have the slight dimple of a smile on his cheeks and a shy glitter in his eyes. His hair is black and falls limply into his eyes, covering the constant glower that he holds. His hand are always in his pockets of chained pants and a hood always pushes his hair even futher down his face. He even smells different. The sweet smell of dogs and his cologne with a vanilla that is his natural scent and a cocconut or lavender of his shampoo is gone. All I smell is something strange and unhappy. He doesn't feel soft and supple when I hug him, as though he has died and went rigid. Why would he act this way if he was the one to push me away, and lie so much? That does not make me understand. I don't know how I look to anyone else now, but i'm probably different. I haven't destroyed myself though. I still try to smile, even if its fake. I still try a little bit to pretend that it doesn't bother me that he's watching me as I lean against the wall and try to drown out the chatter of people with my music, or laugh at someones dumb joke. I don't wear the same pants every day that aren't even mine and don't fit. I wouldn't even wear the pants of someone who had really screwed up and did something unforgivable. Obviously the guy was forgivable enough to wear his pants. I don't understand him. More than I don't understand anything else, he vexes me the most. And the funny thing is I thought I did, and I thought he was just a little complicated. But he wasn't what I thought, or he became something I didn't think existed in him. All I can say is I don't understand much anymore, and it hurts to go on but it hurts even more to stand there and wonder why he looks so sad all the time.

Two months ago I never would have written this. Two months ago, I was a different person. Two months ago I understood what I wanted in life.

Now isn't two months ago.