Today is yet another gloomy day. I've been depressed for the better part of the month. I need an action plan to get out of this. I'm constantly constrained by my family, every time my mother calls she pretends like everything is normal. So much so that it is just sad that she is in such denial... I have a group on my facebook called "anti-transgender" where I put my family so that when I post a status where I call myself a "she" or mention anything related I can filter them all from seeing as this was my mother's request which I honored... All that goes through my head are the memories of growing up and dressing up as a girl with my female friends and them telling me how they loved my hair and how they wished they had such fine hair. Then I remember every time going home to my mother and telling her how truly happy I was and her responding with "You would make one ugly girl" and then going on to point out all my boyish features and put me down... and now here I am...20 years old with a receeding hairline and very thin hair.... trying to be pretty like I was waiting on hormones to help battle 20 years of testosterone poisoning.

I have been depressed all my life and acted out... now when I'm happy my family the one's who are supposed to love me for me... don't. I replay the words of my English teacher's lessons every day: Be yourself, don't let society choose who you are, Fight against prejudiced, Don't judge on appearance.... I took those lessons to heart... I loved English class... Now I'm being told they're wrong.... I was raised to believe one thing and now it's "wrong"

I know I shouldn't be upset but this is devestating. I adore my family so very much and have sacraficed being outly trans. I even accepted living as a male when they refused to acknowledge me as a teenager... however I can't repress it any more. I want estrogen... I want to be "me" and not be depressed and scared to be who I really am... I am losing my patience for my family. I am not going to hid e any longer. I am going to become a beautiful women. I will be everything I have always dreamed of no matter what the cost... I guess the first thing I need to to is talk to my father... I don't know how to do that... I can't do it in person... I may have to do it over the phone... My mother would be so mad but I can't drive and my sister can't handle the sress of outright conflict.. I don't know if it's wrong of me to tell him over the phone but when I think of seeing him in person I worry it will be like when I was a teenger with him getting "physical"

*sigh* Who would have thought being a girl would be so hard... also I've settled on a name.

It's Alice. There is no other name for me. If my family rejeccts me then I will become Alice... it sounds pretty... I'll explain why I picked it some other time... >.>

Edit: i JUST came out to my aunt over Facebook....