In this update I will show you what I made wrong in the past few years.
I think writing it down and maybe talking with all of you about it will help me to come over this…

What can I say?
I really don't like what my world became, along with my personality.
I get mixed up feelings very often; I act strangely and can't even tell anymore how I really am.
It is like I would play a role in a game and always try to fit in the situation.
I hide my feelings and lie to protect people, sometimes this was wrong but still I think it was the best I could do from time to time.
I just hate it when people have to worry about me, so I barely told when I felt bad.
I made horrible mistakes and did hurt people I never wanted to.
My holding back with any emotions did nearly cost me the friendship to some people who are more than just important to me.

Besides this I did show too many emotions to others and started to bother them.
How could I ever be so stupid?
What did I think to not tell what goes on inside of me?
I did always smile, I had a fake smile that covered all the pain and sadness I had from time to time.
I always said I'm okay just to make sure nobody has to worry.
I did swallow everything bad and never showed it, and this was really bad for me.

Today I just realize what I did…
Maybe I'm not around that much anymore, but there are a number of people who mean the world to me.
You guys are always on my mind and I think daily about you, maybe just simple things like…

“What is he doing right now…?”
“I hope he is doing alright…”
“Sure he would like that as well…”
“I wish he could be here and see that…”
“Right now I could need you here…”
“Oh how I miss you…”

… but these little thoughts kinda keep me alive.

I think the guys who I mean know who they are.
I don't wanna mention anyone special here; it would disappoint others… so deal with it, okay?

I hope I could open myself a bit to you all… see you later with the next update.