i just.... i feel aweful... worse and worse by the second....
i.... i was talking to my mate on live.... idk exactly what happened.....
it started when it seemed like he just wasnt listening to me,,,,, i.... i felt like... like he just didnt want to deal with me..... i... i couldnt stop crying... he just got off..... now i feel even worse.... hes really the only one in the world that really makes me feel any better........ ever.......

the last few days ive just been extreamly.... off......
today especially though.....
starting today feeling super tired, but acting painfully hyper to the point i couldnt sit still, not long after that, i sat curled up in homeroom thinking about how minute and meaningless my life and everything i could ever do would be.... then following that in study hall, i had the overwhelming desire to draw and run around at the same time...... idk..... then following that, in art, ms stein said to draw something in the room (because i was falling asleep and needed something to do)... so i drew the skeleton she has hanging up. (its not like a scarey looking skeleton she has. she has a bunch of random crap on it, like a cardboard crown aloft its crown, a plush money drapwed around it neck and shoulders, and more)... i took all the friendly stuff off..... i drew that skeleton hanging by a noose in a closet. but it was smiling, and it had cracks running from the eye sockets that looked like tear streaks..... i ripped it in half a couple times and threw it out..... following that was lunch, where i was struck with the painful feeling of extream loneliness and alienation.... (my bestest friend devon wasnt there today, so i was pretty much alone in art and in luch as well (our lunch table is me, devon, and this stoner kid named brendan.... i dont particularly get along with brendan.....))....... then, following luch was math, where i just felt like laying upon the ground for days at a time to feel myself withering.... just decay under gravitys mass and sufficating in the lack of circulation and air in the school...... just... simply decay and drift away.... (not to mention i failed a test, and was laughing about it. i knew everything that was going on for once, but for somereason, i couldnt helo but laugh. laugh that i knew things no one else could figure out. that i found it childish in some ways where other found it absolutely impossibe.... i even laughed that when i got a test back and it had a big red F on it and it read "see me after class" (i just walked out when the bell rang... didnt feel like dealing with it))
then at home, i felt just.... angry.... like a stick of dinimite if you cut the string to an eighth of an inch and covered it with gasoline and surrounded it with propane tanks
the smallest things have made me flip out...... then now...... the uncontrollable crying.......


whats wrong with me...?
i... i just........
i dont know whats going on.... i feel...... so..... alone..... like.... no one wants me around...... like.... i should just be gone........ disappear like the clouds into the night, never to return, but to be replaced.... never truely noticed.... quickly forgotton with little trace......



look guys, dont comment with "haha, you fucked in the head little cunt"

look, i type up what i feel and put it up here. i do it because it helps me get out what i feel and deal with it. it makes me feel as if someone pays attention and gives half a shit, okay?
so just fucking deal.
nothing nice to say? fuck off and see you in hell.




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