Last night I saw things that Freddy Kruger WISHES he could imitate! Some of which are so filthy you'd best to not read unless 18 years of age, people!

So, it's Christmas time and I'm dressed up like Laharl from Disgaea arguing with a smartass cousin about the vampiric decor being made from construction paper instead of silk (this being after a group of muscle-bound furries with no shirts on went on an orgy and tried to force me into playing Chicken with a dragon, while driving truck with the dragon's sh*t covered baby in my lap, the sound of the theme from King of the Hill going on in the background as I scream passed a Seven Eleven, the dragon galumping after us while my partners in crime are making out with each other). But eventually the argument gets so epic in scale that I'm forced to CHALLENGE my cousin to a children's card game!
Sadly, the only cards I had were from an old Japanese sitcom about vampires, so I instantly lose, and am forced to travel to the city to reclaim my honor against a trio of nerds playing Yugioh! Who laugh at me until I use one of my cards to possess one of them and challenge them to a match. Eventually this conjures up sexual innuendo, and in order to win, I play a card that adds +4000 attack points to all monsters I control if they have sexually suggestive art! And the goblin merchant did because he had a talking green penis! So he blows the competition away and makes me victorious! Only to bring about the ire of Seto Kaiba as he discovers I have desecrated the virgin beauty of Yugioh! And so sends his blues eyes to destroy the local game shop I was standing next to, while himself grabs my legs and STOMPS A MUD HOLE UP MY ASS!! Why god?! Why?! What did I do to deserve this?! This is worse than the one time you made me dream I was on stage playing with a wooden duck puppet that suddenly grew until it was Hitler and ordered all the Germans to paint their lawns with chocolate and then paper-fold the local factory on its side! Or that one time I was a anthropomorphic male jellyfish who had a sex change just to go out with Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble AT THE SAME TIME on a beach in Taiwan! WHY?!! I swear I could not make this sh*t up even if I wanted to! I've been psychologically violated worse than Nightmare Ned! Dear sweet merciful God! I need a hug! BWAH-HA-HAAH!!