Love or hate, blood shows through, and you've lost that connection. You're allowed to break down. If nothing else, you can break down for all the unresolved issues that will now never be resolved. Grief isn't about reasoning, so embrace it in whatever form it takes, and don't worry about trying to understand it.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you can feel better soon.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you can feel better soon.