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Defeated
14 years ago
General
More or less, I feel defeated I don't know what to do, I'm lost.
Which is a lie, I know what to do. I just need to find the gumption to do it.
I haven't made a journal letting folks know what's going on in a while, and I don't think it'd hurt.
First of all, I'm pretty sure my new job is going to fall through.
I found an interesting tidbit of information, I am THE HIGHEST paid worker in the joint. More than the managers. By about a dollar. I was told obviously not to mention my wage with the other workers and I haven't...but one of the managers came to me because she'd found out and told me she was pissed and it wasn't fair etc... I told her I agreed but not to take it out on me, and she claimed she wouldn't and so far has been the nicest person to me at this job. Or atleast the most personable. Okay so she'll talk to me instead of ignore me.
Which is no biggy, I don't expect to go to work and make friends or even really make nice to folk...but I don't much care for being treated like a pariah. And I suspect more than just her knows about how much I make, though I've not said a word to anyone, and this is the reasoning for that treatment.
Now I should just buck it up and go to work. I work 3rds anyway and only see the other associates for like two maybe three hours of my day.
No big whoop.
Except I'm only getting about 20-25 hours a week.
And I honestly don't expect them to give me any more than that simply because of how much I'm paid in comparison to the other workers.
Which means I'm only going to be making about half of what I need to.
I don't feel it's worth going to work for roughly $150 a week.
So that has got me down because I don't know what to do there, I know I need another job, something new, and honestly I want a job I'm not ashamed of having. We met the family of some new employees for the shop and I was ashamed to admit where I worked and felt very awkward and horrible. I realize at that point I'm rather ashamed of the person I am. Which is a whole other demon.
But basically I am jealous of feminine wife, wearing decent clothes and being in general happy with life, while I sit like a fat toad next to my husband with a grump face, messy unkempt hair, and just threw something on to go eat lunch at our every day diner clothes. I felt very ashamed of myself. Eh, I shouldn't. I don't believe anyone there cares but me. But I apparently don't care enough to change it, so what a waste I am.
Now why was I grump face to start with?
Car has lost it's soul. WEll...it never had a soul, but more or less the car has stopped pulling barely and is missing and sputtering to the point I've become wary of driving it and Hozz towed it home instead of me trying to drive it up the hill.
The truck doesn't have an easy fix.
We're essentailly car less.
Yaaaaay!
Also I had Sunday breakfast planned with my Dad back in BoonDock county and Dinner with Mum. Which is like a two hour drive one way and likely not going to happen now. Hell I was even at the point I was going to have to ask them for gas money to come see them. Which is shitty. But I haven't seen them in 6 months....
So...I've given up. I don't wanna move, I don't wanna do anything. I just want to not exist. I'm the only one making any money and I can't motivate myself to go to a job that doesn't seem worth it.
I just...
I donno...
I'm job hunting today....
I don't know what I'm looking for...
If any one has some suggestions of vocations or fields to look for openings in that'd be great, since I don't have a clue.
I know I want a job I won't be ashamed to tell folks I do. I've worked for 5 years being ashamed of my job.
I want a job to be proud of.
I want something that I can support Hozz and I on.
Today will be job hunting and commissions.
If you've bought a commission send me a note today to remind me, I think I've got everyone in mind who needs to be but I want to make sure.
If you'd like to buy a commission or donation or something, I have groceries that need bought and bills that need paid.
Which is a lie, I know what to do. I just need to find the gumption to do it.
I haven't made a journal letting folks know what's going on in a while, and I don't think it'd hurt.
First of all, I'm pretty sure my new job is going to fall through.
I found an interesting tidbit of information, I am THE HIGHEST paid worker in the joint. More than the managers. By about a dollar. I was told obviously not to mention my wage with the other workers and I haven't...but one of the managers came to me because she'd found out and told me she was pissed and it wasn't fair etc... I told her I agreed but not to take it out on me, and she claimed she wouldn't and so far has been the nicest person to me at this job. Or atleast the most personable. Okay so she'll talk to me instead of ignore me.
Which is no biggy, I don't expect to go to work and make friends or even really make nice to folk...but I don't much care for being treated like a pariah. And I suspect more than just her knows about how much I make, though I've not said a word to anyone, and this is the reasoning for that treatment.
Now I should just buck it up and go to work. I work 3rds anyway and only see the other associates for like two maybe three hours of my day.
No big whoop.
Except I'm only getting about 20-25 hours a week.
And I honestly don't expect them to give me any more than that simply because of how much I'm paid in comparison to the other workers.
Which means I'm only going to be making about half of what I need to.
I don't feel it's worth going to work for roughly $150 a week.
So that has got me down because I don't know what to do there, I know I need another job, something new, and honestly I want a job I'm not ashamed of having. We met the family of some new employees for the shop and I was ashamed to admit where I worked and felt very awkward and horrible. I realize at that point I'm rather ashamed of the person I am. Which is a whole other demon.
But basically I am jealous of feminine wife, wearing decent clothes and being in general happy with life, while I sit like a fat toad next to my husband with a grump face, messy unkempt hair, and just threw something on to go eat lunch at our every day diner clothes. I felt very ashamed of myself. Eh, I shouldn't. I don't believe anyone there cares but me. But I apparently don't care enough to change it, so what a waste I am.
Now why was I grump face to start with?
Car has lost it's soul. WEll...it never had a soul, but more or less the car has stopped pulling barely and is missing and sputtering to the point I've become wary of driving it and Hozz towed it home instead of me trying to drive it up the hill.
The truck doesn't have an easy fix.
We're essentailly car less.
Yaaaaay!
Also I had Sunday breakfast planned with my Dad back in BoonDock county and Dinner with Mum. Which is like a two hour drive one way and likely not going to happen now. Hell I was even at the point I was going to have to ask them for gas money to come see them. Which is shitty. But I haven't seen them in 6 months....
So...I've given up. I don't wanna move, I don't wanna do anything. I just want to not exist. I'm the only one making any money and I can't motivate myself to go to a job that doesn't seem worth it.
I just...
I donno...
I'm job hunting today....
I don't know what I'm looking for...
If any one has some suggestions of vocations or fields to look for openings in that'd be great, since I don't have a clue.
I know I want a job I won't be ashamed to tell folks I do. I've worked for 5 years being ashamed of my job.
I want a job to be proud of.
I want something that I can support Hozz and I on.
Today will be job hunting and commissions.
If you've bought a commission send me a note today to remind me, I think I've got everyone in mind who needs to be but I want to make sure.
If you'd like to buy a commission or donation or something, I have groceries that need bought and bills that need paid.
You're not alone in that one. Try to treat this job as just a paycheck. You're there to get done what needs doin', then vamanos. Just having a job is a hell of a lot more than a lot of folks, so no one can shame you for having a job. :3 As for finding a new one.. that's the million dollar question, isn't it? I'd say have an objective look at your hobbies, and look at what sort of thing you'd enjoy doing. Peruse the paper just for job titles and job ideas, and when you find one that seems like a good idea, have a peek into the qualifications and see if you can't sell yourself based on skills you already have, or build the skills to make it work.
For instance, I'm souring quickly on this medical thing. Law enforcement and security seem like a great vocation, especially since I have heavy, extensive firearms training and experience, and I'm a tactics dork. Most of these security jobs require experience in the field, something I don't have. What I do have is my medical training, which I think if I can sell it right would be a huge bolster for a security resume. Officer security is becoming a huge thing, and having that background is a great place to start, I figure.
So that's kind of what I'm getting at. Exploit your experience and talent to make things work for you. I think if you can sell yourself to someone and be able to get your foot in the door doing something that appeals to you, then that's a moon-step in the right direction. :3 I really hope things work out for you and Hozzles, Sarc. Y'all deserve a gorramn break.
But yes, I'm searching for something more valid to my interests and such. I just hope I find it.
That last bit made me laugh...
No cackle.
You're awsome.
Bugger what your co-workers think. You need the money, and you need the hours. If you make more money then your manager, it's because they value your work. If they make less money and get less hours, it's because they want it less.
I think before you call it quits, you should come out swinging for what is rightfully yours. Don't do it before you have some idea of a contingency plan, but once you have an option, don't be afraid to request more hours. Point out how productive you are. Point out how productive your co-workers aren't. Point out how the company would benefit from your productivity and how big an asset you can be.
You seem like a generally nice and wilting person, and that makes you easy to manipulate as far as the company is concerned. People who won't speak up are the ones who don't get the raises; they sure as hell aren't gonna even give you any unless you ask. The smug haves. Expecting them to be decent without prodding or the power of law is expecting too much of them.
You are a feminine wife. :X A froofroo girly dress and social status symbols don't mean much. In this economy, they mean even less. The only person who you should give a tomato about's opinions is your hozz.
Don't be ashamed in yourself. You're only doing what you can. Be ashamed of the condition of the marketplace. Us peons can only move in the directions the rich haven't boxed us out of, yet. Manufacturing is gone, immigrant sweatshop labor drives down the price of what should be livable wages, and everybody that already has money appears intent on driving us into the dirt to make more of it. You're just trying to get by in a fixed game. :(
Also, gender roles are overrated and to be played with. I'm sure you make a perfectly fine donkey :) Which is all that would matter to me, anyway :D
Currently I'm a donut finisher for Dunkin'. And prior I did cake decorating and bread bake and donut make and floor stock and all that jazz in a retail bakery.
I am fairly skilled in cake decorating and really enjoy doing it and such. I would love to find a job in a "real"/not retail bakery doing cakes or even the sweets bake or what ever. I honestly would love to get into that and stick. Sort of the wildest occupational dream would be to own my own bakery/sweets shop and work it. Cakes is probably my best option with what I want to do that I could find a half way decent job in.
I don't have alot of other occupational experience other than that sadly.
I also can't say school seems like a great option because I am not sure what I would go for, though culinary/pastry chef is appealing. But should I find a job in that feild, my annual salary looks to only be about $25-30 grand a year which is not alot more than I was making in the retail bakery and definately isn't enough to cover paying back loans. And since I am the /only/ income I don't think school is the answer, though tempting as I really want to go back. Even if it is for something like that. WHile I enjoy illustration and it is a sort of dream of mine I don't believe i'm cut out of the cloth that could do it for a living.
I don't have a job right now, but I do have a lot on my plate of selling stuff I don't need and keeping the stuff I feel I need to keep as I will be moving from this country to Australia. And thanks to a friend pulling some strings, I will get set up as an Australian citizen and renounce my American citizenship. I've had about enough of this country, and I want to move, so I will.......but that takes a lot of work and effort and if I don't apply it, I'll get in over my head.
You say you have a job, you say you are the highest paid and you seem to have a truly excellent personality. Forget about what other people say, all that matters is your own opinion of yourself as beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone has a different opinion. So don't worry about the haters, just be yourself and enjoy what you can where you can. You have a family, you have friends.......to me, that is true wealth.
Money can help buy stuff yes.........but you cannot substitute cash for a family member or a good friend, it just cannot be done. /Things/ are not worth lives, and to me, as long as I have my friends(my family has mostly disowned me because of being a furry) and brothers, I'll be happy.
So, go to your Hozz, give him a hug and tell him how great you feel to be yourself. No one can be ashamed of that, especially good people such as yourself. Listen to your heart Sarcy, just listen to it and understand what it is truly saying. You will get a better job sooner or later, that is basically something that'll happen, either at your current place of work or at a different. So, hang in there, listen to your heart and trust me......you got plenty of support from your husband and your friends, family and the people here on FurAffinity.
What sucks is now my credit card sniffed out I was unemployed and jacked up my rates from 18.64% to 29.99% despite I was never late and always paid more than I had to. I've gone from making roughly a car payment to house payment thanks to that bullshit!
What upsets me more is not a day goes by where I'm not beating up myself for losing my FedEx job to where I'm banned for life ever working there. All because some bitch was too impatient.