So I just went to see the earliest screening possible of the newest Transformers movie on its opening day in Australia... and I am regretting it. So. Much. I’ll try and be unbiased in my little review of it (Although I am a Decepticon supporter)and I won’t give away that much of the story with the exception of two characters deaths but you can see them coming a mile off anyway. All I ask is that serious fans of the Transformers movies or even those of you loveable bastards that remember the days before Michael Bay got his hands on the movie rights, please, please read this before you go see it.

First off the special effects are mind-blowing, I honestly have no idea how they managed to make some of the scenery and if it is all CGI, damn, someone spent a lot of time in front of a computer. The actual transformers themselves look amazing too, flawless animation that surpasses the previous movies. Everything about this movie could have been epic... but then someone came and destroyed the plot. Actually it is great, fan-bloody-tastic until the big end battle. You actually see humans dying, A LOT of humans dying in fact so it isn’t just a robot war any more. Hell, the decepticons actually have a brilliant plan this time and have the man power to see it through! The Autobots need help from the humans and the humans can’t win without the Autobots, it is beautiful. Then a 12 year old came along and said, “Aw, the Autobots are awesome, they should rape those baddies and not lose any of the cool robots in the process. The humans can help too and those assault rifles that they have should be able to shoot through tank armour too! The baddies should also be STUPID and GULLIBLE. Yeah, that is a good movie!”

I won’t go through the plot but let’s just say that a plot twist comes out of nowhere. The makers of the film deliberately make you think one thing and in the very next scene they turn everything upside down! Bla bla bla, stuff happens and then suddenly the Decepticons, who had fewer and weaker troops than the Autobots, suddenly gain the upper hand. The Autobots future is looking pretty bleak until the final battle, then someone gives them god mode and they rape. They only have 9 troops and they completely annihilate the Cons. Ironically it the smallest two that actually get the most kills, after Optimus of course. The Cons are really organised and manage to stop the humans from striking back at them until the Autobots show up and magically get through their lines undetected. WTF. Oh, lets speak about the human troopers for a sec, they have what appear to be modified M4A1’s but if those things still shoot 5.56 rounds or if they do shoot larger bullets the recoil is nothing on them and they can fire them like a .223 round. WTF. The good guys manage to wipe out ever Con in the battle with inferior equipment and manpower and somehow the Cons go from being epic to pushovers. Also all of the Autobots that didn’t die don’t have a scratch on them at the end and in between the 2nd and 3rd movie Sam learnt parkour. Enough of that though, let’s talk about the characters.

Most of the new Autobots from the second movie are gone, meaning that somehow they were killed off camera; this includes those annoying, inbred twins. In their place there are cooler Bots and an interesting bariatric one that shouldn’t be able to move. All of the originals are there and Optimus is still a robotic Duke Nukem. On the other side Megatron has a bitching new alt form and in robot mode he is pimping it out, complete with hoodie/cape, awesome looking chains and a sexy gun. However he still has a massive gash in his head that they somehow weren’t able to fix and he is starting to rust. Starscream is back (<3) as well as a few randoms, a dude that can chew through buildings like a giant earthworm and the closest thing to a Predacon that we will come to see. The Con’s later get a massive amount of randoms and really cool air support but let’s stay focused.

Stop reading here is you don’t want any spoilers what so ever. However you know that you want to read it anyway.

EVERYONE DIES!!!

Well not everyone... but all of the bad guys. The Con’s are seriously overpowered yet drop like flies when the Bots show up. Seriously, they die way too easily. Even Starscream! How could they do that, the most interesting character on the Con’s side gets killed. BY A HUMAN!!! From there they all get raped and Optimus manages to do what he couldn’t do in the other two movies. While we are on Optimus his character is wacked. You could see it in the 2nd movie as well, he doesn’t care about taking prisoners, everyone that is against him needs to die! The Cons even take prisoners until McDreamy tells then to kill them. Optimus is every bit as twisted as Megs, he is a tyrant in his own right only he doesn’t want to kill the humans so that makes him good. The rest of the Autobots are no better, in one scene they rip apart a defenceless Con with their bare hands. Interestingly though five of the eleven Autobots die, three on screen and two off. One of the originals die in fact, and in a brutal fashion (Being rusted alive) so that is better than the last movie. At least some of the good dudes die but there could have been more. Are you telling me that six Bots could take out an army of Cons? Do me a favour! Apart from the ending (And Starscream’s death) that is what got me. They need to have believable numbers and be as vulnerable as their enemies. Having god mode is a load of shit. And the big bad went down far too easily! While we are at it lets see the Autobots take prisoners and not rape fatally wounded or outnumbered Decepticons, in other words, be good guys.

So now that they have killed off the main bad guys the only way to make another movie is to bring in Unicron. I seriously hope that they do and bring back Megs and the Screamer.

In short Transformers 3 is a load of shit. If you want to waste money and three hours seeing it, be my guest but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, and if you actually read this to the end, thanks, I am very surprised.

Oh yeah, and strangely the robots have red blood. *Shrugs*