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i just got out of work, im bored, and i stink.
14 years ago
General
yesterday was a hellish ordeal with multiple 100+ pound objects being moved about the length of a football feild (including a fully armoured hmmwv).
its too bad the people i really enjoy talking to are not around online right now. i feel axiety/depressions hot angry breath coming down my neck. boredom for me most certainly sees me heading that direction every time.
my mind is always on something, and when it starts headed in that direction my thoughts increasingly turn negative, untill i shut down for a few days, or a week.
my old self would have just turned to alchohol, or something else of that nature. as fun as that can be, its not a very healthy response to stress (also, that option is out the window right now, im deployed in kuwait).
oh i fight it. i fight this tooth and nail, every breath i take. i pour all of my energy into anything im doing... christine, my job, my freinds, my art, autocross and bmx, downhill mountain biking, my love life, and recently, my fitness.
it works... but only for a few days or weeks.
in the end the beast always wins.
this is exactly why my fursona is like that now... two sides to everything. im not a two faced person, i just see life in black and white, and my emotional state reflects that.
when i get into this mood, i often wonder what it would be like to defect from the millitary and live in the woods with just a gun and a hatchet. what it would be like to be a drug addict, the only thing to worry about being my next wonderfull fix.
i would like the new me to be stronger than this. to overcome sutch stupid thoughts and feelings, but at the end of the day, when im in this mood, i see just another lost soul. mindlessly searching for a reason to truly live.
its too bad the people i really enjoy talking to are not around online right now. i feel axiety/depressions hot angry breath coming down my neck. boredom for me most certainly sees me heading that direction every time.
my mind is always on something, and when it starts headed in that direction my thoughts increasingly turn negative, untill i shut down for a few days, or a week.
my old self would have just turned to alchohol, or something else of that nature. as fun as that can be, its not a very healthy response to stress (also, that option is out the window right now, im deployed in kuwait).
oh i fight it. i fight this tooth and nail, every breath i take. i pour all of my energy into anything im doing... christine, my job, my freinds, my art, autocross and bmx, downhill mountain biking, my love life, and recently, my fitness.
it works... but only for a few days or weeks.
in the end the beast always wins.
this is exactly why my fursona is like that now... two sides to everything. im not a two faced person, i just see life in black and white, and my emotional state reflects that.
when i get into this mood, i often wonder what it would be like to defect from the millitary and live in the woods with just a gun and a hatchet. what it would be like to be a drug addict, the only thing to worry about being my next wonderfull fix.
i would like the new me to be stronger than this. to overcome sutch stupid thoughts and feelings, but at the end of the day, when im in this mood, i see just another lost soul. mindlessly searching for a reason to truly live.
i feel better today, i think what helped was actually writing that out in my journal ^.^