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Where has Andy been since Sept? Read on if you've wondered.
14 years ago
General
So, some of you might be thinking you haven't seen much of me lately. Well, let me tell you...
As of last September, I lost my Mom. As you may guess, this plunged me into something of a depression. My work suffered, my friendships have suffered, and, worse, I didn't really care. I segued through holiday after holiday, and all I could really think was "This is the first Thanksgiving without Mom." "This is the first Christmas without Mom." "This is the first New Year without Mom." "This is my first birthday without Mom." I wasn't really doing anything to grieve. I was just going through the motions.
To make matters more insane, my work went through the roof. We had a staffing crisis which has resulted in almost 7 months of uninterrupted weeks of mandatory overtime. And to make matters worse, I had taken on not only getting a new LARP off the ground, but also a new D&D campaign, the Renaissance Faire I sing at, and a LARP one-shot that I'm the head of. And despite this, I still acted as if nothing were odd. I invited folks to come visit. I made plans. I was working my ass off virtually from the moment I woke up until the moment I put my head down on the pillow at night doing my job, my LARP stuff, my games, etc.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I saw my doctor who commented that my blood pressure was up. I knew that; I have hypertension, and I take meds for it. I told her about the craziness that my life had been since September, and she asked me something. "What are you doing to grieve?" she asked. "Nothing, really," I admitted. "I'm just keeping busy." "At some point," she told me, "you need to stop and take time for yourself."
I filed this away, and I didn't really think much of it. Hadn't she ever heard of work therapy? I plowed back itno my work, got the LARP off the ground, got my game going. After canceling a game because I wasn't feeling too well, a player approached me through a privatem essage and expressed concern over my health. That got me thinking a bit, and what my doctor said was in my mind, too.
This past week, a dear friend came to visit. In preparation for his visit, the hubby asked me to organize and put away a bunch of boxes we'd brought home while we were cleaning out my Mom's house. I sat down and went through them. A lot of it was stuff I knew of, including newspaper clippings of my acting, or stories I'd written. But somewhere in the midst of it was a document I'd totally forgotten. A multi-page book of rules my Mom must've written when I was 5 or so. It was completely adorable, and I could hear my Mom's voice as I read it. It was utterly her. After the first page, I was crying my eyes out, and I couldn't stop. I think I finally grieved.
I had a great visit with Gary. It was very relaxing.
Since then, I've been thinking a lot about my life since my Mom died. In no time, it'll be one year from that date, but I don't think, now, that I'll be thinking "One year since Mom died....seciond Thanksgiving without Mom" and what not. I think I'm okay, now.
I recognize that I've cut myself off from talking to a lot of people. I just haven't had time. I'm sorry about this. I hope that you still want to talk to me, after all this craziness.
It's funny. I didn't know I wanted to write this til I sat at my computer. But it needed to come out. More catharsis, I suppose.
Anyway, I'm here. I'm back, I think.
- Andy
As of last September, I lost my Mom. As you may guess, this plunged me into something of a depression. My work suffered, my friendships have suffered, and, worse, I didn't really care. I segued through holiday after holiday, and all I could really think was "This is the first Thanksgiving without Mom." "This is the first Christmas without Mom." "This is the first New Year without Mom." "This is my first birthday without Mom." I wasn't really doing anything to grieve. I was just going through the motions.
To make matters more insane, my work went through the roof. We had a staffing crisis which has resulted in almost 7 months of uninterrupted weeks of mandatory overtime. And to make matters worse, I had taken on not only getting a new LARP off the ground, but also a new D&D campaign, the Renaissance Faire I sing at, and a LARP one-shot that I'm the head of. And despite this, I still acted as if nothing were odd. I invited folks to come visit. I made plans. I was working my ass off virtually from the moment I woke up until the moment I put my head down on the pillow at night doing my job, my LARP stuff, my games, etc.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, I saw my doctor who commented that my blood pressure was up. I knew that; I have hypertension, and I take meds for it. I told her about the craziness that my life had been since September, and she asked me something. "What are you doing to grieve?" she asked. "Nothing, really," I admitted. "I'm just keeping busy." "At some point," she told me, "you need to stop and take time for yourself."
I filed this away, and I didn't really think much of it. Hadn't she ever heard of work therapy? I plowed back itno my work, got the LARP off the ground, got my game going. After canceling a game because I wasn't feeling too well, a player approached me through a privatem essage and expressed concern over my health. That got me thinking a bit, and what my doctor said was in my mind, too.
This past week, a dear friend came to visit. In preparation for his visit, the hubby asked me to organize and put away a bunch of boxes we'd brought home while we were cleaning out my Mom's house. I sat down and went through them. A lot of it was stuff I knew of, including newspaper clippings of my acting, or stories I'd written. But somewhere in the midst of it was a document I'd totally forgotten. A multi-page book of rules my Mom must've written when I was 5 or so. It was completely adorable, and I could hear my Mom's voice as I read it. It was utterly her. After the first page, I was crying my eyes out, and I couldn't stop. I think I finally grieved.
I had a great visit with Gary. It was very relaxing.
Since then, I've been thinking a lot about my life since my Mom died. In no time, it'll be one year from that date, but I don't think, now, that I'll be thinking "One year since Mom died....seciond Thanksgiving without Mom" and what not. I think I'm okay, now.
I recognize that I've cut myself off from talking to a lot of people. I just haven't had time. I'm sorry about this. I hope that you still want to talk to me, after all this craziness.
It's funny. I didn't know I wanted to write this til I sat at my computer. But it needed to come out. More catharsis, I suppose.
Anyway, I'm here. I'm back, I think.
- Andy
It sort of has to happen in its time.
*hugs up*
I miss you and think about you, always hoping you are doing well. I will keep you in my thoughts, hoping you will heal soon.