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Hiding yourself?
14 years ago
For many years, I have thought about who I am and perhaps thought of what I am. A dragon or a human? Honestly, I am both. I'm not one or the other. Even though, I see more of myself as a dragon, but I feel just as much as human as anyone. In a way, I'm a dragon/human hybrid because it's not being "anthro" or "furry". It's a feeling I have in which I know I am.
To me, it's hard to say "I'm a furry" or "I'm a dragon/human" to people who ask. I honestly don't need to say it. Jrogenshin had came to me many years ago when I was in high school. Originally, I didn't think much about it when I drew him as he was: A fire-breathing dragon in a project for class. However, I couldn't stop looking at the picture. I continued to stare into the eyes of the dragon in the piece of paper I had made. I just felt different ever since that day.
For some, it would be awkward to think that you are that creature in which you have made or that being you think you are, but I just don't see it as awkward. Most of us don't see "ourselves" until we show them what or who we are. It's not that I seek some comfort in anything, it's a secret I have kept to myself or to some of my other friends and family. It's not easy trying to explain yourself to them, is it?
For many years, I have had this whole side of myself hidden from most of them because I feel as though they might look at me differently. No... More like afraid. I honestly am afraid they'll treat me differently if they knew. They have seen a few of my arts, just not the ones posted here. They like it, but question to me why I draw it. I try to explain to them, but never can come out, so I shrug.
I just express myself as a very nice guy who cares a lot about who he knows and how he's treated. I'm a type of person who just likes to enjoy the things I like and not simply care. It just comes to my attention that not everyone knows my "fursona", Jrogenshin.
He is me, I am that creature you see in the pictures I make in my gallery. Of course, I have re-made his appearance here and there, but that's evolution. However, being as human as I am now, makes it hard for me to see me as what and who I am. There's always a boundary in which how you can always see yourself. I even caught myself thinking less and less of my dragon self and being more and more human just sinks my heart in sadness. How did I lose my pride? How did it come to me thinking of such pathetic thoughts that I can't see or feel who or what I am? I had such greatness and happiness of my own self awareness when I discovered something about myself, what happened? Did years of not caring and just being lazy really did this to me?
I don't know. It's that simple of an answer that perhaps that hiding yourself from others for so many many years, that the loving yourself just wasn't the same as when you first discovered it. Being content and enjoying to draw so many things for myself made me happy. I don't know what happened...
For years, I am this being that I am now, but I sometimes question it along with everything that I want to know. Does it matter whether or not what I want to know whether or not I am who I say I am? It might as well not, but I just seek answers in which I hope I can answer myself. Am I hiding this identity from everyone or just myself? These questions just seem to pop up in my mind the longer the years grow.
I'm Jrogenshin. I just wish I wasn't afraid to say that in person than saying my name when I was born with. I wish I can show you what I am, but I only have my art to show. In person, I look human, but I am more than just human, I'm a dragon. I can't show you that now, but I hope that one day I can.
To close this journal, I would like to say this: It's easier to "be yourself" than it is to "tell about yourself". I hope that one day I don't really have to hide myself as I have been for many years, but is it for the best? Who knows?
End of Jrogenshin's Journal
Narune
~narune
I know how you feel hun, finding yourself can be extremely hard to do.
Jrogenshin
~jrogenshin
OP
Well it's not only finding yourself, but showing yourself to others, ya know? Like how we're special in our own way and that we love it.
