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How I've been feeling lately and some background story
14 years ago
General
Lately I've been having a really hard time keeping a touch on reality. No that's not the right way to put it see it feels like I've got to well of a hold on it. I feel like everything is predicted and that there is a fun little road i have to flow along no matter what. It sickens me it makes me feel like I'm watching a movie that i've seen before but it was so long ago that i can't really remember it until i watch it again and even though i know all of it it still kinda feels new. Its such a strange feeling and hard to explane that was the best way i could but it. I've just wanted to take a vacation from myself, but I know I shouldn't because I know I might not return. I guess my urges have been steaming from a few things. Like how things are going for me right now.
See ever since I was ten I wanted to be a video game designer, i wanted to do the modeling. So when I graduated high school with no question or any thoughts of what I wanted I headed out to Orlando Florida where I took place in Fullsail. Originally I'm from Forest Mississippi at lest 12 miles away from any family or any friends. I tried my best and I tried hard. I loved every second of it. Until they started throwing me through filter classes, the classes that usually makes students fail so later on its only the true hearted students with all the money and brains. See as soon as i started hitting those classes I keep falling behind. It got so bad that every new month where I had to start a new class i stopped making friends because I knew they where ether going to leave me to do better things or i wouldn't have enough time with them to actually make the my friends.
I finally got to the point where I no longer had credits to fall back on and was kicked from the college, i hated it. I felt sick I started cutting and being destructive to myself. Not to the point where I wanted to try and kill myself again I'm never going back down that road again. See this wasn't the first time. No that started at a younger age back when had had a stronger hold on my life. I was about 14 when i discovered the furry fandom. It started out with just porn grazing not really dunking my head into water as they say. But then i found fa back in its earlier days and to this day i still use my original account. Ok back to the point. I fell in love with poju and the furry fandom around the same time so i guess u can say that's what shapped me into the skirt loving cock suck take it for hours champ that i am. Back then i always wanted to grow up and be a sexy seductive femboi who would find the love of there life at a young age and go off on a wonderful fairy tale joy ride. Looking back i was stupid for hopping 4 love so soon.
Saddly none of that stuff happened. As i said i had adhd and got very bored since my home was in the country where i had no friends around <not that i had many friends to start with> the point being i ate... alot but still wanting to reach my goal i joined a local martial arts place. I trained hard and became a black belt i skinnied up but not the style of the girly pojus i idled so much. By this time i was turning 16 and my time for meeting the love of my life b4 i turned 19 was growing short. But nothing i did lost the muscle mass <from always working out> or the chup that clung to my belly or any way to change my strong jaw line and i started to grow hair around place i didn't want it to.
Then the day came where me and my family was having Christmas at a relatives house. I was getting so many compliments about how everyone was so proud i had lost the weight and how attractive i have become. I loved it until my great aunt johnny started saying how much i reminded her of big pops.<which was my dads dads father> i of course not knowing who he was i asked to see photos. she showed me and well big pops was a roughage man who worked on cars built
homes and as my family says he could have built a who town by himself if u let him. My family agreed and was happy to have somebody like him back in the family of course to me that was devastating and wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to prove them wrong. Saddly i went through a rough growth spurt.
I grew abnormal bone mass i grew hair every where my shoe size grew to a 18 <or a 16 wide i need the with more than the length>there was days i had to go home from school because my body hurt from the growth. I blame the small doses of steroids i had to take to help me develop since at the age of 11 i got cancer on my right testicle and it had to be removed. I didn't get angry at any one i blamed myself and took it out on myself. I cut into my legs and arms, i gorged on food and when i was left alone i would lash out. By punching trees and yelling and bashing my head on trees and bricks.
Like i said i lived in the middle of no where and i was smart enough to know that i didn't want to damage anything or people might find out. Back to the main point im 21 now every day i see myself turning more and more into big pops. The beer belly <even though i don't drink> the body hair the need to always be working or keeping myself active. I've started smoking and doing other things I shouldn't. I still to this day when im alone feel lonely and the need to lash out at myself. I always feel ugly. The past weeks its been getting worse. I have urges to scar my face just to make myself appear on the out side as i do on the inside. Its all because i know I've missed my chance to be that one really hot girly skirt wearing tail wagger that guys would chase down. There wasn't really much i could have done to change it and there isn't much i can do now.
Im getting set in my ways as most guys do as they get older. I don't beleave in setting goals or shooting high. Some things are just not meant to be. Just because u want to be a air force pilot dosn't mean u can. See there's a height code u have to meet to get in and i guess that's how i look at life. Not everyone can be a rags to riches, a good artist, a great poet, a lovely idle of sex. Ive tried all these and have fallen short at each. I guess the phrase when life gives you lemons make lemonaid sums it up best. Cause u cant make a milkshake out of lemons no matter how hard u try. So I guess I'm going to try as best as I can in the new college I'm in now, i'm training to be in CSI. I'm going to try and keep my cool and not do anything I might damage me even more than I am now. I'm going to settle for what ever is going to be thrown my way because it dosn't matter how hard you try, this world will always need trash men and sometimes you just have to be a trash man.
Thanks for reading I just needed to get some things off my chest. Have a good rest of your day/night.
See ever since I was ten I wanted to be a video game designer, i wanted to do the modeling. So when I graduated high school with no question or any thoughts of what I wanted I headed out to Orlando Florida where I took place in Fullsail. Originally I'm from Forest Mississippi at lest 12 miles away from any family or any friends. I tried my best and I tried hard. I loved every second of it. Until they started throwing me through filter classes, the classes that usually makes students fail so later on its only the true hearted students with all the money and brains. See as soon as i started hitting those classes I keep falling behind. It got so bad that every new month where I had to start a new class i stopped making friends because I knew they where ether going to leave me to do better things or i wouldn't have enough time with them to actually make the my friends.
I finally got to the point where I no longer had credits to fall back on and was kicked from the college, i hated it. I felt sick I started cutting and being destructive to myself. Not to the point where I wanted to try and kill myself again I'm never going back down that road again. See this wasn't the first time. No that started at a younger age back when had had a stronger hold on my life. I was about 14 when i discovered the furry fandom. It started out with just porn grazing not really dunking my head into water as they say. But then i found fa back in its earlier days and to this day i still use my original account. Ok back to the point. I fell in love with poju and the furry fandom around the same time so i guess u can say that's what shapped me into the skirt loving cock suck take it for hours champ that i am. Back then i always wanted to grow up and be a sexy seductive femboi who would find the love of there life at a young age and go off on a wonderful fairy tale joy ride. Looking back i was stupid for hopping 4 love so soon.
Saddly none of that stuff happened. As i said i had adhd and got very bored since my home was in the country where i had no friends around <not that i had many friends to start with> the point being i ate... alot but still wanting to reach my goal i joined a local martial arts place. I trained hard and became a black belt i skinnied up but not the style of the girly pojus i idled so much. By this time i was turning 16 and my time for meeting the love of my life b4 i turned 19 was growing short. But nothing i did lost the muscle mass <from always working out> or the chup that clung to my belly or any way to change my strong jaw line and i started to grow hair around place i didn't want it to.
Then the day came where me and my family was having Christmas at a relatives house. I was getting so many compliments about how everyone was so proud i had lost the weight and how attractive i have become. I loved it until my great aunt johnny started saying how much i reminded her of big pops.<which was my dads dads father> i of course not knowing who he was i asked to see photos. she showed me and well big pops was a roughage man who worked on cars built
homes and as my family says he could have built a who town by himself if u let him. My family agreed and was happy to have somebody like him back in the family of course to me that was devastating and wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to prove them wrong. Saddly i went through a rough growth spurt.
I grew abnormal bone mass i grew hair every where my shoe size grew to a 18 <or a 16 wide i need the with more than the length>there was days i had to go home from school because my body hurt from the growth. I blame the small doses of steroids i had to take to help me develop since at the age of 11 i got cancer on my right testicle and it had to be removed. I didn't get angry at any one i blamed myself and took it out on myself. I cut into my legs and arms, i gorged on food and when i was left alone i would lash out. By punching trees and yelling and bashing my head on trees and bricks.
Like i said i lived in the middle of no where and i was smart enough to know that i didn't want to damage anything or people might find out. Back to the main point im 21 now every day i see myself turning more and more into big pops. The beer belly <even though i don't drink> the body hair the need to always be working or keeping myself active. I've started smoking and doing other things I shouldn't. I still to this day when im alone feel lonely and the need to lash out at myself. I always feel ugly. The past weeks its been getting worse. I have urges to scar my face just to make myself appear on the out side as i do on the inside. Its all because i know I've missed my chance to be that one really hot girly skirt wearing tail wagger that guys would chase down. There wasn't really much i could have done to change it and there isn't much i can do now.
Im getting set in my ways as most guys do as they get older. I don't beleave in setting goals or shooting high. Some things are just not meant to be. Just because u want to be a air force pilot dosn't mean u can. See there's a height code u have to meet to get in and i guess that's how i look at life. Not everyone can be a rags to riches, a good artist, a great poet, a lovely idle of sex. Ive tried all these and have fallen short at each. I guess the phrase when life gives you lemons make lemonaid sums it up best. Cause u cant make a milkshake out of lemons no matter how hard u try. So I guess I'm going to try as best as I can in the new college I'm in now, i'm training to be in CSI. I'm going to try and keep my cool and not do anything I might damage me even more than I am now. I'm going to settle for what ever is going to be thrown my way because it dosn't matter how hard you try, this world will always need trash men and sometimes you just have to be a trash man.
Thanks for reading I just needed to get some things off my chest. Have a good rest of your day/night.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
Maybe you should consider seeing a therapist/counselor though, self destructive behavior is hard shit to overcome. :| I know it isn't always what people want to hear, but it can help, I've been to a therapist and it really helped me get through some things. Straighten myself out some.
As for the whole femboi thing, let me ask you this; How girly do you believe I am? Do you think I could pass for a girl? I doubt it. XD I'm not a big guy, but I'm not as femmy as my character. Just because you're not a petite, slip doesn't mean you can't be a girly.