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one year aniversary
14 years ago
General
Well this is kind of a hard topic so if you are prone to depression or something like that you may want to stop reading right now.
One year ago to the day I had a plan. I had the time it would happen and how it would happen. I had planned out how I was going to kill myself.
I had the pills on my desk ready to be ate and the things i was going to do before I did it. My parents were going to be out of the house for at least a few hours so it was the perfect time. I left a few messages in places and said good bye to my friends in what I thought was a way they wouldn't realize what it meant right away.
I spent the next bit of time preparing things to cause as little difficulty as possible. putting things of importance where it could be easily found and doing the chores that i was assigned for while my parents were gone.
Then about half an hour before the time i decided a friend called me. I answered and hung up right away. she called me back a few times and i did the same thing again each time. I sent a couple of texts to her because i knew she figured it out. eventually i called her back just a few minutes before she was going to call the police.
after some talking she managed to get my parents cell phone number out of me and called them telling them what was happening. It still took a while for my family to get home and my friend stayed with me on the phone until they got back almost two hours later.
I ended up in the hospital and later a specialist type place on how to deal with the situation. In the end i ended up in an outpatient psych ward type place. I spent about two weeks going there during the day.
As it stands now I am not cured. I am doing better but it is a struggle. I have dark thoughts and feelings that I can not hide from myself. I struggle not to do things with a blade or snap at people who are trying to help.
I don't really know why i am writing this since most of you probably wont care, but I know it feels kind of good to get this out and i am crying as I write this unable to stop. I don't know completely what parts are making me cry. if it is the fact my friend saved me or the fact i am struggling or the fact I failed.
I just know that sometimes I will scream out to be left alone when what I want most is to be held close.
One year ago to the day I had a plan. I had the time it would happen and how it would happen. I had planned out how I was going to kill myself.
I had the pills on my desk ready to be ate and the things i was going to do before I did it. My parents were going to be out of the house for at least a few hours so it was the perfect time. I left a few messages in places and said good bye to my friends in what I thought was a way they wouldn't realize what it meant right away.
I spent the next bit of time preparing things to cause as little difficulty as possible. putting things of importance where it could be easily found and doing the chores that i was assigned for while my parents were gone.
Then about half an hour before the time i decided a friend called me. I answered and hung up right away. she called me back a few times and i did the same thing again each time. I sent a couple of texts to her because i knew she figured it out. eventually i called her back just a few minutes before she was going to call the police.
after some talking she managed to get my parents cell phone number out of me and called them telling them what was happening. It still took a while for my family to get home and my friend stayed with me on the phone until they got back almost two hours later.
I ended up in the hospital and later a specialist type place on how to deal with the situation. In the end i ended up in an outpatient psych ward type place. I spent about two weeks going there during the day.
As it stands now I am not cured. I am doing better but it is a struggle. I have dark thoughts and feelings that I can not hide from myself. I struggle not to do things with a blade or snap at people who are trying to help.
I don't really know why i am writing this since most of you probably wont care, but I know it feels kind of good to get this out and i am crying as I write this unable to stop. I don't know completely what parts are making me cry. if it is the fact my friend saved me or the fact i am struggling or the fact I failed.
I just know that sometimes I will scream out to be left alone when what I want most is to be held close.
I'm sorry to hear things got that rough, but I'm grateful for your friend, else I'd never have gotten to read your little story, get excited to learn more, and help figure out more of the story, and finally wait in anticipation for the next chapter as well as the image to go with each one. ^_^
So when you need to, any time, regardless of how cluttered you'll fill up my notes, feel free to drop a line anytime you're feeling down hun. Here or at LabrnMystic@aol.com. *kind kiss to the forehead* ^_^
This totally makes me wish I had met you earlier; so that I could help...
It might sound a little odd from me; as someone you've only recently heard from, but; like Labrn, anytime you need; I'll be more than happy to talk.
(reply to an old journal, I know; but still ^^)