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Rant
14 years ago
General
Well, in the past week or so, things have been...Well, really bad for me.
Probably shouldn't make a journal about this, since I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who has enough people making journals and being depressed about their own life, but...Better then to repeat over and over again for everyone.
Last Friday, as a surprise, my older sister decided to "take me out to dinner." So I though, hey, why not. I joined her, and off we drove. Course it took about 20 minutes to figure out that they had something else planned since we were still in the car and haven't stopped anywhere to eat, so I asked where we were going, and she told me that we were going to my mothers place.
She already knew that I was going to move soon enough, so she thought that going to go see my real mother might have been a good idea. And at the time, so did I. So we arrived, greeted each other, and spent some time together. Now this was when things got bad. My mother decided to pound question after question about why I'm leaving. Now...Call me heartless, but knowing that I only get to see her once a year, if I'm lucky, why would she be concern about me going elsewhere? If the answer was so that she could see me more, well she hasn't really done anything to come to me. Rather, she's been getting drunk, going suicidal, and have a rather pissy attitude...Though I suppose this means that she cares about me, since she's so concern about me and everything. Hell, she sounded like she was going to burst out crying at any moment while we were talking.
I'm a sucker at someone getting emotional. When I heard that she was about to cry over me moving, well...Great, more pressure for me moving out. Yeah, that's just what I need. Not to mention I can still feel the tension when she's around her "girlfriend" as they would love to fight right in front of me and my brother ever since I was 7. So that didn't help at all.
Though I suppose I should have saw this coming, after all. It is clear across the country so seeing her would be nearly impossible. So as of right now, I'm in the middle of either feeling glad that I'm getting away from her, or feel guilty that I'm getting away .
And then a day later, I found out that my sister, my "caring, loving sister" has posted about me moving out on Facebook. Shouldn't be a big deal, I suppose, hm? Yeah, well it went from "Steve's moving" to "Steve's running away because he thinks no one loves him, his stepmother is a druggie, etc etc." Now this horribly pisses me off.
First off, I wouldn't want my life being brought out anywhere public on facebook. Especially from my sister, knowing she's the one that likes to bring drama and unfortunately has the trait of my mother. Love to fight with her girlfriend, and can't take care of her only baby who uses permanent marker to "color" her expensive Mac computer and getting staples in her own head. So I can only imagine if she had friends who were the same way, gossiping about the "what if's" out in the public. Humiliation doesn't even begin it.
Second, not only her, and my mother's girlfriend were both back talking about my stepmother, bring a drug and alcohol addict. And then my mother's girlfriend confronted my dad, on facebook, to tell him that he should have learned after his first wife. Great. All out war with my family. All because I wanted to leave.
So now, I'm pissed off at my sister and my mother's girlfriend for saying such shit. And if I would have known any of this while I was visiting my mother, I would have told them all "Fuck you."
Yeah, so stress stress stress. Still trying to get college over with while all this fussing was going on. Little things here and there, like people easily annoying me, probably because I wasn't in the mood to do anything other then play games and try to forget what's going on around me.
Then not too long ago, my stepmother want to talk to me for a second. She said once I'm gone, she's going to divorce my father, because she can't take the abuse anymore. Now this I can understand. I've lived with him my whole life. He's a bad alcoholic, loves to yell out towards anyone who has a problem and will only raise it higher and higher till you can shut the fuck up, and has a problem with gambling. Losing $1300+ in one day is just to begin with, try being "missing" for the whole night. Not to mention I hate people who cusses a lot. Every other word is either "Fuck" or "Dumb ass" since he constantly talks down to everyone, even his own wife.
So I can understand why she would want to move, and personally, I would encourage this.
Yet I still can't feel anything but pity for him. Once I'm gone, all he's going to have is my brother in this house with four bedrooms. Two people isn't going to fill the house. And since grandma is already dead, he'd have almost nothing left once I'm gone. I shouldn't really feel guilty over this, because I saw this coming from a long shot. But he did raise me...Somewhat. Gave me a house to live in and continue through school up to college. It almost makes me wanna stay home so he wouldn't be alone. Gah, if only life was simple, huh?
For anyone who has read all this, I'm sorry if I'm just adding in more pressure in your everyday life. I know I'm not the only one who isn't feeling like this, and I'm sure this wouldn't be what you'd want to hear.
But for now, I'm going to be in a fowl mood for awhile while life runs its course.
..For the record, I'm not saying life sucks. It's difficult. And right now I think I'm going through the most difficult part of it right now, so sorry to everyone out there. MSN, DA, FA, and anywhere else.
Probably shouldn't make a journal about this, since I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who has enough people making journals and being depressed about their own life, but...Better then to repeat over and over again for everyone.
Last Friday, as a surprise, my older sister decided to "take me out to dinner." So I though, hey, why not. I joined her, and off we drove. Course it took about 20 minutes to figure out that they had something else planned since we were still in the car and haven't stopped anywhere to eat, so I asked where we were going, and she told me that we were going to my mothers place.
She already knew that I was going to move soon enough, so she thought that going to go see my real mother might have been a good idea. And at the time, so did I. So we arrived, greeted each other, and spent some time together. Now this was when things got bad. My mother decided to pound question after question about why I'm leaving. Now...Call me heartless, but knowing that I only get to see her once a year, if I'm lucky, why would she be concern about me going elsewhere? If the answer was so that she could see me more, well she hasn't really done anything to come to me. Rather, she's been getting drunk, going suicidal, and have a rather pissy attitude...Though I suppose this means that she cares about me, since she's so concern about me and everything. Hell, she sounded like she was going to burst out crying at any moment while we were talking.
I'm a sucker at someone getting emotional. When I heard that she was about to cry over me moving, well...Great, more pressure for me moving out. Yeah, that's just what I need. Not to mention I can still feel the tension when she's around her "girlfriend" as they would love to fight right in front of me and my brother ever since I was 7. So that didn't help at all.
Though I suppose I should have saw this coming, after all. It is clear across the country so seeing her would be nearly impossible. So as of right now, I'm in the middle of either feeling glad that I'm getting away from her, or feel guilty that I'm getting away .
And then a day later, I found out that my sister, my "caring, loving sister" has posted about me moving out on Facebook. Shouldn't be a big deal, I suppose, hm? Yeah, well it went from "Steve's moving" to "Steve's running away because he thinks no one loves him, his stepmother is a druggie, etc etc." Now this horribly pisses me off.
First off, I wouldn't want my life being brought out anywhere public on facebook. Especially from my sister, knowing she's the one that likes to bring drama and unfortunately has the trait of my mother. Love to fight with her girlfriend, and can't take care of her only baby who uses permanent marker to "color" her expensive Mac computer and getting staples in her own head. So I can only imagine if she had friends who were the same way, gossiping about the "what if's" out in the public. Humiliation doesn't even begin it.
Second, not only her, and my mother's girlfriend were both back talking about my stepmother, bring a drug and alcohol addict. And then my mother's girlfriend confronted my dad, on facebook, to tell him that he should have learned after his first wife. Great. All out war with my family. All because I wanted to leave.
So now, I'm pissed off at my sister and my mother's girlfriend for saying such shit. And if I would have known any of this while I was visiting my mother, I would have told them all "Fuck you."
Yeah, so stress stress stress. Still trying to get college over with while all this fussing was going on. Little things here and there, like people easily annoying me, probably because I wasn't in the mood to do anything other then play games and try to forget what's going on around me.
Then not too long ago, my stepmother want to talk to me for a second. She said once I'm gone, she's going to divorce my father, because she can't take the abuse anymore. Now this I can understand. I've lived with him my whole life. He's a bad alcoholic, loves to yell out towards anyone who has a problem and will only raise it higher and higher till you can shut the fuck up, and has a problem with gambling. Losing $1300+ in one day is just to begin with, try being "missing" for the whole night. Not to mention I hate people who cusses a lot. Every other word is either "Fuck" or "Dumb ass" since he constantly talks down to everyone, even his own wife.
So I can understand why she would want to move, and personally, I would encourage this.
Yet I still can't feel anything but pity for him. Once I'm gone, all he's going to have is my brother in this house with four bedrooms. Two people isn't going to fill the house. And since grandma is already dead, he'd have almost nothing left once I'm gone. I shouldn't really feel guilty over this, because I saw this coming from a long shot. But he did raise me...Somewhat. Gave me a house to live in and continue through school up to college. It almost makes me wanna stay home so he wouldn't be alone. Gah, if only life was simple, huh?
For anyone who has read all this, I'm sorry if I'm just adding in more pressure in your everyday life. I know I'm not the only one who isn't feeling like this, and I'm sure this wouldn't be what you'd want to hear.
But for now, I'm going to be in a fowl mood for awhile while life runs its course.
..For the record, I'm not saying life sucks. It's difficult. And right now I think I'm going through the most difficult part of it right now, so sorry to everyone out there. MSN, DA, FA, and anywhere else.
Like your case, you'd think this would be easy then to pack up and leave, going thousands of miles away from home, but whenever I think of my parents it makes me choke up on it. My older brother plans to move out once he's got a solid job, my sister moved out years ago, and if I leave it's just them. I feel a sense of guilt for wanting to move to Texas and leave them here alone, when both are in their mid-50s and got bad knees so have trouble going up or down stairs. However, I'm not happy in Michigan, I got no friends here, no job, nothing holding me back except family, money, and the part time jobs. It's a real tug of war to deal with.
So I see your point on moving away from home being difficult, I can relate to that. To add all the other things onto it makes it even tougher. Sorry you're going through it all at once like this.