Oh sweety. *hugs* We all have things that go haywire in our lifes. Just hope you can get things organized and on track soon. *offers chocolate*

*noms chocolate* Thanks, hon. It's mostly head-stuff, with some physical (knees), but it's feeling like too much, right now, so I'm gonna go spend some time working exclusively on that.

At least my studio is finally getting into shape. I just can't work in there with my head like this. *head-desk*

Getting away from the internet is a good idea. You've got my vast empathy on the knee thing; I'm in the same boat.

I'll miss you greatly - please take care of yourself, sweetie!

Thanks, you. We WILL meet, someday, and there will be much sharing of noms, silly stories and hugs (if you're into those).

Un-fun head-space stuff is un-fun.

Blargh.

*wing hugs you and cooes in your ear* <3

*sniffles and snuggles in like a hatchy* Hiya. I'm not usually so Emo... Stoopid childhood, making things all fucked up for anyone near me. Blah.

Uh, if I cry, apologies about the nose-dribbles ahead of time?

*curls her head over you and cooes* We all have moments like these, everyone needs to be held at one time or another. We cant always be strong *wraps her wings around you tightly and coddles like a mother dragon to her young*

*tries really hard not to dribble nose-mess on you in her sniffling* Thanks, sweety. *snuggles* This hatchy's brain/mood-chemicals are giving her the gears, lately. Blarg. What cracks me up? My psych tells me today to not step one foot into my workroom for the next two weeks. At all. Wait. Whut? You're actually telling me NOT to work? BUH?! O_____o Seems that the stress of worrying about not finishing commissions is killing my art-bug to the point where I've hit an art-block- it's big enough for her to think that maybe my motivation-problems there might be helped a bit if I just took a break from the worry- "don't go into the workroom. No art. Nothing." I'm already spazzing 'cuz I now cannot stop thinking about art-stuff! Fucking wench pulled a "don't think about the elephant!" trick on me! *head-desk* I'm beginning to think this woman is evil. LOL

Oh lord....girl you need a break badly. Honestly if you let the pressure of the commission(s) get to you, it does drain your muse and you dont want to draw anymore, or you dont produce the best work you can because of the stress. Sit back, relax and if your fans know whats going on, 9 outa 10 times they understand :3 These guys on FA are pretty awesome, I know mine have been great to me! Your mental, physical and emotional health are more important than a buck or three, you know? *cooes at and wraps you up*

Yeah, this Fandom simply fuggin' RAWX, period. Hyperbole that ain't- they really are awesome folks. I just have this, I dunno, thing, where if I don't finish something I've promised (breaking a promise), I just lose my shit over it. Poor  kilroy is awesome, in particular, because he's had to wait for two and half (almost three years for his monster-sized plush, and it's ripping me up that shit keeps getting in the fucking way of my finishing it. I've gotten it started, it's all cut out, I've sewn together the major, fiddly details (face and belly-scutes: lots of teeny-tiny widdle pieces), I know how to put it together, but when I look at it, my farking brain freezes up and goes blank. Then, the guilt-loop starts up: "you suck. You can't finish it. You fail. He's gonna splash your name on Artists Beware. You suck. You know nothing, and your work is trash. You fail. You suck... AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT..." Fuck. O___o

I'm actually in therapy (as you saw in my comment about the injunction from my shrink- that hit me right sideways, it did), and one of the things we discussed was the possibility that my issues are not as much due to my ADHD as they are to a severe depression. We talked about drugs (bleh) that might help. And she gives me these weird-as-knees-on-a-fish sort of "assignments" to shake me out of my funk (like, telling me not to set foot in my studio AT ALL for the next two weeks). Zen-therapy? Hmmm.

feel better soon!

I'm certainly trying! *slumps, flicking her tail*

I'm working on it. I know this shit is temporary- it just doesn't feel like it- and it's the kind of shit I thought I'd handled already, and the ugly chunks are resurfacing, making things a mess. Dagnabbit.

*huggles* it'll be ok, and I'll still be here when you get back.

Cool. Thanks. I'll survive this. If I can survive being raped at six years old and continual abuse throughout the rest of my childhood, I can fucking survive the memories of it. *growls*

*huggles*

*huggles*

*leans into the huggles*

Im sorry everything is going haywire. Sorry you are visiting a bad place right now. Please know it will get better. We still got cell phones so call away. :)

*grumbles* Stoopid memories... Yeah, we'll give you guys a call in a little while- we haven't done anything together for a bit... Oh, and the Gene Loves Jezebel concert was cool. Got the band's autographs, and also found out that I and their current guitar-player grew up in the same city. (fan-girl squeeing* >^___^<

*hugs* Please be better soon. I pray things take a turn for the better for you soon.

They will- it just feels like it won't. The Little Bastard is at fault for that (what I call my insecurities and ugly memories)- he likes to tell me I suck and that the pain will never end. I try not to believe him, but the fucker is relentless in his bullshittery.

Then I say beat him to death with your floofy tail. x3

Yeah...not my greatest humour attempt. =/

LOL Still funny, though. *proceeds to whack at the Little bastard with her floofy tail*

If you could get your friend's forgiveness for not being there, (or your friend's family if that's not possible), get your knee fixed and find a source of regular income, (probably in that order), you'd be under a good deal less stress than you are. That would probably help you to feel less argumentative. It also might help you out of your artistic slump and then you could meet your obligations, (if that means commissions.)

If you're planning on starting with a pshrink, that might also help you with the above. I think it's a wise move. Good luck with it. I'll see you when you get back.

Got the pshrink a month ago (and is "pshrink" a nod to a certain set of amusing stories called "Pshrinks Anonymous" from a noted SF-F author? If so, cool! I like those stories)- I'm figuring the mental-silt-stirring of the ugly that is my mind is what's going on there. Basically, I'm finding out that I hadn't dealt with the past as well as I'd thought, just buried it under the new, happier stimulations of a new relationship, new friends, new living-space, etc. I might need to look at that "neophile" thing, too- it could be one of the various distractions I use to defray and get around my hurts.

Without going into details, let's just say that there are some very, very ugly things in my life (nothing to do with Kani! It's all baggage from before) that I'm re-experiencing. Yuck.

The regular source of income will unfortunately have to wait- I can't work on stuff right now.

Getting forgiveness isn't something I need- I haven't done anything wrong. I know it sucks that my friend back in Winnipeg is so ill, but I also understand that there may be no way we can afford to go up to be with him. I do feel guilty for not trying to visit while I was up there in May, though (there were so many people I was hoping to fit into a tight seven days)... Fuck.

Yeah, "obligations" means commissions.

Argumentative is a way of life with me, it seems... and I hate it. At least I don't hit stuff (or people), or throw things. Got cured of that stupidity pretty early on what with having to live with my mother, who dealt with her anger that way. Don't wanna be like her and use her very messed up "methods".

TL:DR: can't talk, dealing with a life of abuse, Kthanxbye.

Oh, and I forgot this: *HUGS*

*hugs back* I hope you're better soon.

*prrumbles in the hug* I hope so. I don't have a timeline on this one, yet, but I'm hoping it's not going to be as bad as the first time I went through this garbage.

aw :(

I hope you feel better soon!

Mental-healthy isn't feelin' very healthy, at the mo'. *grumps*

Workin' on it. Shrink appointment this afternoon, which will stir up more of the shite, but might help anyway.

work through it hun and come back safe...

life gives us challenges - how we meet them is up to us...

V.

Pfft! If this were a "life-challenge", it's suspiciously like many I've gotten in the past. Nah, it's old baggage that I thought I'd managed to toss- didn't expect that it had hooks in deeper spots of my brain, and the lovely little cocktail of mental and physical issues I have to deal with recently is calling that crap up again. It seems I had simply buried the junk, instead of actually getting rid of it. I also hadn't known how it had messed with my behaviours and decision-making, so I ended up doing things that ultimately hurt me, instead of helping me...

Dunno if that made any sense, but be assured, I'll get through this shit, fix my currently-busted work-monster and get back to making neat stuff for folks.

and that's all that matters...

*hugs...

V.

*huggles warmly*

I know the exact situation. Been in a bit of a slump here too

Don't put yourself down about it though. It happens.
I'm still hoping things improve soon

*sends a gift-wrapped box of hugs*

This is a bit deeper than a simple slump- I wish it was just an art-block. It's bigger and much uglier than that. Long and short of it:

Recipe for a very fucked up head

- take one creative, intelligent, thinks-outside-the-box kid
- throw everything short of an abduction-torture experience at her practically from day one
- tell her it's all her fault
- beat her up almost every day
- rape her- repeatedly and violently
- tell her again that it's her fault
- never let her get angry over it and make certain she stifles it and stuffs it down deep inside
- never let her use her creativity
- tell her it's worthless anyway
- make sure she has no friends (in the past, not currently)
- deny her the opportunity for fulfilling work
- make certain she believes no one will ever want her or love her
- saddle her with a family where most of this is coming from them so it screws up irrevocably her trust in people
- stir vigourously.

Bake for 43 years until thoroughly saturated, crispy and bitter.

That's the story of my life, and I'm having to deal with the fallout of all of that. *snarl*

Oooh! Hugs! My favourite! *wraps herself in the warm, fuzzy happiness of them and purrs*

*Closes his eyes and sighs, pressing his palm to your forehead* You know we all love ya on our ends, right? The BULLSHIT you went through, isn't the way anyone else is gonna treat you. You seem so tired and anxious.. but we understand. Stop fretting and clear your thoughts. If you are pained, then cry. Release it from your heart. There is no need to worry and no need to hold it in, because we are your family.

You have always done well, Murrahnithahn-i-ia

*hugs you tightly* Oh, believe me, I've been crying. I've been grouchy as all get out, too. Carp, carp, carp. I know the crap I went through is in the past- problem is, it's somehow altered how I'd react to things in the present, turning my own thoughts against me, sort of. I've unwittingly been continuing the abusive programming while trying to protect myself from further pain, all without realizing that I was only reinforcing the bullshit people were attempting to saddle me with.

No worries, I'm fightin', and I'm going in teeth-first! Rawr. Thanks for your support, hon- I appreciate it more than you might know. *snugs*

You have permission to heal.. I hope you realize that as well. *Hugs and nuzzles into your shoulder.* I do understand what you're going through in my own limited way.. so I'm saying what I can think to say. I hate to see you like this, you deserve better.

Understand that YOU have that permission, too, ya big beast. *huggles*

And thanks.

I know I do.. it's just been very difficult to find a place outside of the Falcon Stead where I could concentrate on the damage control I need to begin performing on myself. My household... it's three people living alone, and lovey dovey stuff isn't expected or asked from my friends. I've grown too emotionally distant. So yeah.. I know.. just need a new environment.

And you don't have to thank me. You're my friend, this is what I do for those I care about.

You'll find your good space, I'm sure. Just a matter of time.

That's awful! D= *hugs tight*

Yup. *enjoys the hug and prumms in thanks* Though, when I read it over to myself, it has a dark humour to it. Yes, I'm that weird, to think how I've presented my life is actually funny. Man, maybe my fursona should be a Coyote. Heh.

heh, yeah looking over it again, there is some humour in how you put it XD and whatever happened to you in the past, there's clearly lots of people who care about you =3 *nuznuznuz*

Heh. They should meet me in person and then decide whether or not to like my crazy butt. LOL

*giggles* would be kind of awesome to meet you in person =3 shame I'm all the way over here in the UK XD

Meh, I'm not all that special in person: I'm podgy, a little shy, then i get all the way over into loud and something in me thinks it's "funny", 'cuz it keeps cracking jokes to cover the nerves. Then there's the nerves... LOL

*giggles* Well everyone gets nervous when they're meeting new people, even if they don't show it =3

This is more than just "nervous". This is sweaty, rising heart-rate, flushed cheeks feeling embarrassment before I've screwed up kind of nervous. This is on the level of "holy shit! It's a SPIDER! GETITOFFME! GETITOFFME!" sort of phobia. Social anxieties blow chunks. I take deep breaths, look for stuff that distracts me, or for people I think I might know and hope they'll introduce me to the new person so I won't have to struggle as hard with approaching them myself. The first thing I look for is some sort of "Common ground" between me and the new person_ yeah, I know "we all do that"- but this is handled more along the lines of a consciously-strategic move rather, than a more random, "hey! We might like each other! Let's find out!" LOL There's also the "dissection" of the event, where I sometimes obsessively go over (and over, and over, aaand over) the meeting, picking it apart and worrying that the person thinks I'm an idiot.

It's better than that on some days, though- because, under the stupid fears, I really do like meeting people. I just have a history of miserable first-meetings, where the first time someone met me was when their peer-group was bullying me, or where my own mother used to sabotage the whole thing by telling me before we've gone anywhere, "don't embarrass me." Wonderful, punish me for something I haven't even done, yet. Well done.. This stuff doesn't happen anymore, but my emotionally-hurt parts remember it all, and with great discomfort at the prospect of having to get through a meeting with someone new without borking it, somehow. It's old programming that I'm working on removing.

But, once the fear-stimulus is dealt with and gone, I'm fine.

ah, I see. well, if we ever do meet, I'm not going to think you're an idiot =3 hell, if anything it'd be the other way round and I'll came off as an idiot =P (I can be monumentally stupid sometimes XD plus I'm crazy =D)

Hmmm, I'm gonna pass something along that my shrink gave me just yesterday: self-abuse includes making self-denigrating "jokes". Stop that, it's bad for you! *hugs* You are no more likely to be an "idiot" than I am.

aww, but they're often my best jokes! D= but, to be fair, I /can/ be monumentally stupid sometimes =P so I just have a laugh with it =3 and when I say crazy, it's not in a bad way, I like my craziness =D and woo! hugs! =D *hugs bck* and we'll just have to see, if we ever meet =3

"I'd rather be crazy and happy in my own little world, instead of sane and miserable in yours..."

ah, I love that quote! =D

Me too- I simply HAD to memorize it...

hell, I should memorise it too! =D

>^___^<

=D *huggles* =3

Owie

Well none of that was your fault. If that little voice in your head is telling you that, slap it silly until it shuts up! It's wrong wrong WRONG!
The fact that you've come through all that, and survived, and you're still a nice person says a lot about you. (Good things about you too!) Maybe you're stronger than you think you can be.


Also I have an infinite supply of hugs.
Since no-one else seems to want them, I'm just giving them away

*hops down a nearby bunny burrow, rummages around inside it and reappears dragging a huge crate full of hugs with your name on it*

Intellectual understanding of an obvious truth doesn't change the warped emotional stuff, sadly. Logic rarely covers this sort of thing in real life, however much I might worship Spock. >^___^< Yeah, I do smack the Little Bastard down when he gets like this- he's just been particularly loud, lately- maybe he's desperate? Hmm?

*wonders if a different tactic might work... she hugs the Little Bastard warmly, telling him* "You hurt, you don't know how to deal with the hurt, so you spread it around, hoping to thin it out. Hurt is shit, shit is fertilizer- why not use this shit to strengthen something beautiful in your garden?" Yeah, I like this idea... *luffs on the Little Bastard some more, despite the squirming*


*her eyes light up at the box o' hugs and roots around in there until she finds a purple and green one, then huggles it happily*

Aww hun', things will turn around for you *hugs*

*snuggles* I know it will- it's getting through the "now" that's being exceedingly uncomfy. *grouches*

I'm going through some personal problems myself hun, and yeah, getting through the now and moving onto the future is still hard

For anyone. I know, on an intellectual level, that it's temporary, but the Little Bastard and my emotions are working overtime to make me believe it'll never end. It just hurts, and it's a hurt I should never have inherited. *shrugs* But, I'm doing what I can to work through it. I do NOT wanna return to how I was in '97, where taking a permanent dive off of a bridge was looking like a good idea... So, this time, I'm aiming some heavier guns at this "enemy": it might be anti-depressants and some serious cognitive-modification therapy.

We shall see! Rawr.

Mmm, yeah, going headfirst off of a bridge was looking good for me too back in '97 too, and still does once in a while lately. I'm aiming to get my depression looked at too, because the way I feel when I am, is not a good thing at all. Hopefully you'll find something to help you feel better *hugs*

Yup. I think I will- it's only the Little Bastard who wants me to believe it's "forever" that I'll feel this way. I know it's temporary, though, and nuthin' that little shit is gonna tell me will change it. See, I gained something when going through the first bout of this: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", that, and the realization that I was able to resist it, and that means I can do it again.

Yeah, that's how I've been with suicide, though before I'd actually attempted it since I'm weak, but not weak enough to fully go through with it. You've got lots to live for, so fight that Little Bastard with all your might

I'm fighting him with hugs and the love he probably never got before this. Maybe my usual method of shitting right back at him isn't the best way to deal with it, so I'm trying something different. But yeah I'm fightin', 'cuz I just refuse to give up, even thought I really really want to. *sighs* Silly head, why for you repeating the abuse on yourself that you got as a kid? Sheesh.

Yeah, I get that a lot too, my head screwing with me. Especially considering what happened to me a couple of weeks ago

Bummer. I hate it when the head does crap like that.... Worse when events trigger it. Blehh.

*nods*

Please do whatever it is you feel you need to in order to get your life in order. *hugs* We'll be right here.

I knew this was a real problem and hunted down a therapist about a month ago, so yeah, I'm working on it, and  kanis is helping. I knew there was a reason I married him. >^___^< Anyway, yes, it's that serious- depression is no joke, especially in my family. *eyerolls* Suicides, murder, abuse, booze and drugs- the whole fucking schmear of statistical ugly. This thing has nearly killed my creative urge, and I WANT IT BACK. *grumps*

Hasn't gotten to my sense of humour, yet- that one is fucking hard to kill. LOL

Thanks, hon, for caring. *huggles* I'm getting the help I need, and it might involve medication, but I'll get there.

Glad to hear your getting a little help with this. I always want my friends in good health. *huggles back*

They gave me drugz- I still up in the air over whether this is a good idea... Heh. No, I don't plan on abusing them. But, still, I have an aversion and nervousness in related to drugz.

I've been in a similar place, and I've been considering dumping the internet for a while as well. I think you should definitely take a break and get your life in order. We're not that important, and we can wait. <3

Best of luck to you, Murra. I know you and Kani can make it through this together.

*leans against you in friendly wise* Thanks, you. This is more than just "I need to get away from the 'puter"- this is depression that is making my life a living misery, and it's starting to hurt my productivity, and my relations with people. I'm getting help, though. *huggles*

*Nuzzles affectionately* At least you're willing to ask for help. I never do, no matter how bad it gets...I'm so stubborn. -.- If you ever just need a listening ear or a friendly snuggle, I'm always here for you. <3 Send me a PM anytime. Hell, even a text. I love hearing from you. ^^

Aww shucks, man. Thanks. *huggles*

So getting away from the Internet can be a good thing, you know? I routinely pull weeks- and months-long disappearing acts with no prior warning because I need to go and do...whatever I need to go and do at the time to straighten my head, get my shit in order, etc. so I don't fall apart at the seams.

Handling oneself and one's immediate affairs is of utmost concern, always, and regardless. The Internet can wait; the -fandom- can certainly wait.

Getting away was my original plan, anyway- I thought it might help me get my ass into the fucking studio. Then, my evil shrink sez, "no workroom. Don't even set foot in there for the next two weeks. No art. Nuthin'." Wait. Whut?

I'm guessing she had a couple of aims in mind:

One: my worrying over my late commissions-queue is backfiring on my productivity- I can't work like that, no one can.
Two: she might think I just need to take a break for a bit and not worry about anything at all, just work on the processing of my internal stuffs, and/or maybe take some time to just have a little fun.
Three: "don't think about the elephant!" LOL

This lady makes me work, and think- I think I like that.

oh hun.. *nuzzles and wraps my tail around you* we're here for ya.. if you want  falendahand can help with financial stuff :( atleast get the word out there. If not, I totally understand. But we're here for ya.

Aw, thanks for the offer, hon- my finances aren't in jeopardy, thankfully. It's just that I feel guilty as hell for not finishing the commissions folks have already paid for, and this depression thing is only exaggerating my worries. Being ill with obligations unmet on the table is a bummer, and only feeds back into the self-loathing. I'll check out that group, though, maybe I can contribute to it.

alright hun ^^ well, I'm always here to talk if you need. and, yeah I completely understand about the unmet obligations ;-;

Makes my skin crawl, the thought that I'm fucking that up. Here's hoping that within the next little while, I can get it together enough to at least finish one piece I got a Halloween deadline on.

cheers! You can do it!

Thank, hon! *huggles*

*big ol' wolf hug back*

Wee! Lotsa hugs goin' round! *huggle, huggle, huggle*

cute! *huggle huggle huggle hug*

Take the time you need, Murrah. Real life is, well, real life, and neglecting it can be easy but the results of doing that... well... you get the picture methinks.

Take care, Murrah. I hope to see you online again soon.

I'll be around- seems I'm on a "Forced vacation"... Crazy shrink is crazy- tells me me NOT to go into my studio at all for the next two weeks... Derp? *wonders what her plan was and what questions she'll have to answer at the next session* Strangest advice I think I've gotten in a while...

Oh, and thanks, for the thoughts, hon! *huggles*

You're welcome, hon. *huggles right back*

Honestly can't blame you. I think we all get that way at some point or another. I've been teetering on the edge of disappearing for awhile myself, though not quite for the same reason (lots of crap going on, kind of going into panic mode D: Once I get moved and things settle down I should calm down.) I do hope that you can get things sorted out physically (and mentally!)

Regarding my commission, I'll leave it up to you as to what you do. Personally I don't object to waiting however long it takes!

Dammit, you have no idea how amazing I think you are right now... <-- good tears, hon, good tears.

Thank you so much. *just hugs you quietly*

*hugs* All I care about is your well-being Anything else can wait!

*hugs*

I'm in the middle of a terrible slump, myself. I'm wondering if I just don't breathe as much during the heat of summer, because I get headaches (sometimes feels like a head-cold) and I can't think well.

Drink more liquids- with the heat, your body needs more water to perspire... to more effectively shed that heat. You might be dehydrated? That said, I get headaches from too much sun and heat, too. I cover my head, now, and always, always have water or tea with me (no sugary stuff! That can make it worse)- basically- for me, anyway- it's mild heat-stroke. I'm heavy and out of shape, so my body is both insulated and isn't good at shedding excess heat, so I get ill. In summer, I drink more liquids, eat lighter meals and actually exercise more (gentle stuff, like hiking)- it seems to help with the headaches.

Slumps bite the Big One, indeed. Today was another "bad day", and it's not even noon, yet... Oy. I really hope my shrink is on the right track with her training-sessions with me (trying cognitive behavioural modification therapy and possibly medication)...

*hugs tight* I don't think you're bad at all. I have actually been thinking of you a lot lately, enjoyed the times we had together, as brief as they might have been, you're an awesome, interesting individual. *nuzzles* hang in there. I care about ya.

Thanks, man. *huggles*

Taking time off from the net is sometimes necessary. I've had to do that myself - dealing with stuff, to put it succinctly. :} 2011's been a slow slog so far, and I'm not liking where things appear to be headed, and thinking and worrying about it doesn't help. I do hope things get better for you. Remember that you are loved, and that you *liked* as well. We'll see you when we see you, and we'll be glad when we do. You take care of yourself, draggie. *wingsnugs*

*rawrs softly and snuggles into your feathers* Wee! Poof! I luvs poof! *snugglesnuggle* Yeah, I'll be back soon, just gotta finish sweeping out the depression-cobwebs.