im an aweful person..... talking big, wanting to be friendly......... i... i just try to be happy all the time and always friendly...... i... ive forced my brain and way of living to change so i seem happier..... i have worked so hard..... taken so much time.... and i did this just to keep everyone happy....... but.... i cant......
i cant be shitting rainbows and glitter all the time........
i...... i......
the only reason i can keep it up is my boyfriend..... hes my strength....... hes what keeps me happy and........
i cant do anything without him....... he...... he just acts happy... for me and others........
i....... hes my strength.........

i.... i just want to go back to surrounding myself with darkness..... cry, curled up in the cold and dark.......
thats what i want to do right now............ so... desperately bad...... i miss the darkness...... i........

"want to to help, but you dont know how. so you cant.".........
i........ i.......

i miss being numb and cold and dead...... things didnt hurt me or bother me.... and if they did, id just have a cig or take out my razorblades.......
now i have to cry..... things stick in deep.... too deep to just pull out..........
things lodge themselves deep into me.... sinking into flesh, muscle, blood... even deep enough to stick into the bones..... they lodge themselves in there and go bad..... go rotten.................


.....i dont know what to do..... feeling blank and miserable....... have an.... i dont even know how to describe feeling.....
the mask ive made myself wear is sticking to me, becoming me..........
i am stuck.... i am torn.............. i dont know what to do, where to go........
i miss the "kill, burn, destroy" attitude.... the "i can take anything. you fight back, i will break you" spirit.... the "go in and fuck shit up. not just conquer, but destroy and assume absolute control" type of mentality......
but..... how i work now.... the "shit happens, move on" attitude and mentality while getting hurt repeatedly.......




i..... i feel...... like an insignificant..... useless..... worthless.... abomination.........
i.... i am an awful person...... and awful friend...... and...... and awful boyfriend.......
...i am nothing..... less than.........
there was a time where i could just accept all that and move on..... but now.... it hurts to hear..... to think...... to know................

i dont know what to do............



im sorry...... i just needed to get that all out....... im sorry guys...... im sorry you have to put up with me... im sorry i and you have waisted your time on this.............
i think im just going to lie face down on the floor for a little while..... might get back on later.........
auf wiedersehen......

sincerely,
-Ian