~WARNING! this topic involves a lot of drama and those that are not involved are advised to disregard unless they like this sort of thing~

I'm Sorry:
Just two words, that mean so much, but sometimes, mean absolutely nothing. I've been saying it for years about my mistakes, about hearing others misery, about events that are both my fault and outside my control. But now...now i mean it more than i ever have had before in my life.

I'm sorry to all those that I've hurt by my negligence, I'm sorry to all those that have had pain from my decisions or my lifestyle, I'm sorry to my recent two best friends that have decided that my problems outweigh the friendship. I don't blame anyone but myself, its entirely my fault.

For those who don't know the entire picture, I've caused many sorrows by ignorance and my daily tendencies. Oh...how i wish i could take it all back, to erase these last two years and start over, but life is never that simple. Nevertheless i realized these problems about 5 months back...and after much pain from the realization of what i did, and what i had become, i started to work on myself, to change myself for the better.

At first it was a slow process, i had to work off of what i could see and to be honest it was hard since i didn't even know what i was doing wrong. Thankfully, i had some good friends, still, that helped show me the way, to point me in the right direction. I would give names but i don't think the admins of this site, or even the people that did it, would much appreciate it, so for the time being i wont.

The first area i worked on was my Emoness because no one likes an Emokid. the second main area was my assuming of peoples emotions and situations. the next one was my emotional dependency on my friendships that caused them to have a burden for being my friend. The list goes on and on to at least 21 areas. True, some areas are more of a problem then others, but still these were problems i had and still have to deal with. I'm still in the process of changing myself for the better and i really hate to admit it, but its going slowly. =/

The main reason for this journal is, not only to update people, but to say my apologies to everyone especially my best friends who have decided to end our friendship. I'm not perfect, nowhere near it, and I'm extremely sorry for all the damage i have caused. All i wanted, all i was trying to do, was live my life the best i could and have "true" friends by my side...was that too much to ask for?

Now, i realize that many people right now don't care for me, i don't know if it would be safe enough to say they "hate my guts", but I'm fairly certain that the few months I've been absent, they haven't even noticed. Everyone has his/her own problems and me whining about mine doesn't help anyone or anything, but the point of this journal is also to ask: Am i really this bad of a person in your eyes? Am i really the monster that you portray me as?

Personally i don't think i have ever been a bad person, yes, horribly misguided, but never a monster, but due to recent events, due to the fact that i only seem to have one person by my side in this hardship, makes me start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, there really isn't any hope for me...that maybe i deserve to be alone like this forever.

I could ask, i could beg for my friends that have left me to come back, to be my friends again, to have things return to how they once were...but i don't think it would solve my problems. Once, my (now ex) best friend told me when i asked him the question of am i really this horrible, said to me that i wasn't, but was just a desperate man. Yet still, he too left me, to be alone even when he promised me he would be my friend even in times like this, But i shouldn't go into more details than that because i don't want this to get -too- personal. again this is all my fault and these are my problems i have to deal with.

So...to end this huge wall of text, i must say this again. I'm sorry for all my problems that have cause others pain, I'm sorry people cant see deep down I'm not this monster they think i am, but just a lonely, desperate, human being trying to find his happiness in this world. I'm sorry that i couldn't be, strong enough, to be the better friend in the relationship...but i will keep trying to change for the better, not for them, but for myself. If i didn't see these problem with my own two eyes i wouldn't change myself, but i agree. i am not the best person i can be, but I'm trying my best.

So, i beg of you, i would be on my knees right now if i could show you how desperate i am, when the times comes, when i eventually get better, can those who left me give me a second chance? And for those who are still somewhat my friends, can you please bear with me for the time being? I've been abandoned by the two people who meant the most to me...i don't wanna lose any more friends...i don't wanna hurt anymore. :C

I thank you for taking your time to read this all. It means a TON! that there are still those out there that care, even if just a little. Again, i will continue to find ways to better myself for not only myself but all those who deserve to be treated better. i mean...I'm not a monster....right?

Your friend, and fellow human being,
Tim