And even here, i feel like i shouldn't be to some degree but i have to let this out in some way before it gets to be too much, and there's no better way to let it out as far as i can see right now.

I'm just..i don't even know how to describe is except by saying that I'm broken. A complete disaster. That's the state I'm in emotionally and have been in for some time. There's just so much i could go on about. How miserable i feel and how horrible i am, how worthless, how stupid and just flat out..pathetic i am of a person.

There is so much guilt i carry on me, way too much for me to carry around with me a lot of people would say. Say that it's not necessary for me to feel guilt over half the things i feel guilt over but i still do. Because i can never fucking let go of what i once had, the things that would bring true happiness into my life for periods of time. They are all in the past and long gone and here i am still gripping to them, at least trying to, to get anything to bring a real smile to my face..real laughter..

And when it doesn't, when it hits me that my efforts are all in vain, it's like just taking a sledgehammer to my heart and shattering it to millions of tiny insignificant pieces, that land in a way that spell out a message and that message is saying "You fucked up".

And i did fuck up, i have fucked up so much stuff in my life, and i can't forgive myself, i just..can't...And it's tearing me apart and i can't bring myself to come to one of the few friends i have bawling and venting every detail out to them because i wouldn't feel right, i'd feel like i am being a burden on them, so that's why i'm bringing the gist of what i've been dealing with for who knows how long here.

I can't deal with this for much longer..so many forms of pain are just coursing through me daily, and it's gotten to where i am breaking down crying every few hours harder than i've ever known myself to.

What i wouldn't give to get the friends i've lost back. To have someone love me for me and treat me right, rather than love me for just my goddamn dick and fetishes or worse, my fucking fursona, rather than myself.

I wish i could fall in love with someone again who isn't fucking taken or interested in someone else and only see's me as a good friend. But most of all i wish i could undo my past fuck ups i've done with people who are close to me now, or were close to me till i ended up driving them away with my failures. I just wanna be the old me again..get my old life back again..This one is just..miserable and unhappy. What kind of pit have i dug myself into..And how do i get out..