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So I've been reading this book...
14 years ago
General
Its called "Broken Boys/Mending Men" and its written by Stephen D. Grubman-Black.
It's about Recovering from Childhood Male on Male Sexual abuse; which as some of you know I am a Victim of. This is the first time in my life I have read anything like this or done anything. Now before any of you start thinking "Well Why didn't you seek help sooner?"
Its one of the many things that can happen to a Victim is to only rely on yourself and put so much responsibility on yourself to get better, I wish I had read this book so much sooner in life.. I've only read half of it and I feel 2000% more comfortable with myself and confident with my place and personality. It told me to write down how I feel or tell someone how I feel so I decided to that right here and right now and It prolly won't be the last time I do this.
All my life ever since it happened I've felt ashamed of myself, confused and sacred and lacking whatever anyone else had, weak and dissapointing to everyone.. I finally know why... and it isn't my fault, when I was eight years old I had just moved to Fort Monroe, a Military Base right by Virginia Beach, All the neighbourhood kids were friendly I don't remember much else around that time now except playing war, climbing tree's and playing at the beach right outside of the Military housing...
I can see now the point of change in my attitude and behavior from before and after the sick fuck did what he did to me... He called it "The Nasty Game" and said that if I told anyone I would lose. He would take me to many places for over a year, by the beach, behind a dumpster, to his room; and take off his and my clothes. He would make me do things to pleasure him, he was around 13 years old and my was one time where I think his older brother was involved who was around 15-19 years old I THINK, at the time. But my memory is so foggy, All I remember is fear, anxiety of being caught, shame and people looking at me.
Even now as I am typing this I feel the pain, the anxiousness, its all coming back to me.. But I'm strong now, Im still afraid, but I'm brave now.. Too brave, too strong... yet still incredabley afraid...
Half the people I don't call or text in my contacts list because I'm afraid to be let down or let them down in someway. Personal connections with people hurt, they actually hurt me, the closer I get to people the more they hurt me. The father they are the more they hurt... I feel if I keep everyone at a safe distance and keep them interested in me like an aquitence and not a 'friend' that I can co-exist with people in a way..
I wish I was masculine, Everything I do is to look or seem tough, being strong is all I want but I'm to scared of success to put much effort into it.. All I can really do to be tough is to take punch after punch and come back for more... I'd like to see someone take more abuse then me.. I wear my own blood like a trophy, I'm still standing, still breathing... I win mother fucker....
Everything I do is because of this one person who took advantage of my innocence... it was something I couldn't defend myself from and couldn't fight against... So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I still act out sexually?
Speaking of sex, lets talk about my LEAST FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD!
S-E-X, Its this wierd, complex, fun thing that people do for so many reasons... I don't really know why I do it. I don't like it.. I don't like taking it up the ass, I don't like my dick being sucked, I don't like sucking vag or Dick I don't want to fuck someone in the ass or vag...
So why? why do I want it? I can't allow myself to cum because then people would know that I enjoy it, Everytime I'm with someone in real life I feel so ashamed and paniced... "Oh my god your having sex!!!" "What are you doing?!?!?" "Stop... Stop.... Stop..." "Is it over yet?... I hope so.." "I'm never doing this again..."
Are my thoughts during sex... I just wish I could lie down with someone one night and have NO sexual acts between us.. just lie there and hug each other and love one another... But I get so uncomfortable and restless and I end up initiating sex half the time...
I use to think of myself as a Disgusting vile person until 2 days ago... I'm not a bad person, I'm not disgusting or evil... I'm just Broken, a victim who hasn't recovered yet...
"Recovery" What does that mean for me? What do I have to do?
This book has been helping me get out of depression and I think I've found new fire to light my passions for writing and living..
The Book I've been writing Halfbreed... I was writing it to help other people how I thought people would/could be helped... But now after reading this.. I can see it was just my inner thoughts taking a physical form... Amancio was me complete with my fears of connecting with others, Carmen was tough exterior when being threatened and not wanting to be in physical contact with others, Makari; my lust for power and controling everything around me...
I'm going to write for myself, for my own self-recovery... I'm taking my life back, Now...
It's about Recovering from Childhood Male on Male Sexual abuse; which as some of you know I am a Victim of. This is the first time in my life I have read anything like this or done anything. Now before any of you start thinking "Well Why didn't you seek help sooner?"
Its one of the many things that can happen to a Victim is to only rely on yourself and put so much responsibility on yourself to get better, I wish I had read this book so much sooner in life.. I've only read half of it and I feel 2000% more comfortable with myself and confident with my place and personality. It told me to write down how I feel or tell someone how I feel so I decided to that right here and right now and It prolly won't be the last time I do this.
All my life ever since it happened I've felt ashamed of myself, confused and sacred and lacking whatever anyone else had, weak and dissapointing to everyone.. I finally know why... and it isn't my fault, when I was eight years old I had just moved to Fort Monroe, a Military Base right by Virginia Beach, All the neighbourhood kids were friendly I don't remember much else around that time now except playing war, climbing tree's and playing at the beach right outside of the Military housing...
I can see now the point of change in my attitude and behavior from before and after the sick fuck did what he did to me... He called it "The Nasty Game" and said that if I told anyone I would lose. He would take me to many places for over a year, by the beach, behind a dumpster, to his room; and take off his and my clothes. He would make me do things to pleasure him, he was around 13 years old and my was one time where I think his older brother was involved who was around 15-19 years old I THINK, at the time. But my memory is so foggy, All I remember is fear, anxiety of being caught, shame and people looking at me.
Even now as I am typing this I feel the pain, the anxiousness, its all coming back to me.. But I'm strong now, Im still afraid, but I'm brave now.. Too brave, too strong... yet still incredabley afraid...
Half the people I don't call or text in my contacts list because I'm afraid to be let down or let them down in someway. Personal connections with people hurt, they actually hurt me, the closer I get to people the more they hurt me. The father they are the more they hurt... I feel if I keep everyone at a safe distance and keep them interested in me like an aquitence and not a 'friend' that I can co-exist with people in a way..
I wish I was masculine, Everything I do is to look or seem tough, being strong is all I want but I'm to scared of success to put much effort into it.. All I can really do to be tough is to take punch after punch and come back for more... I'd like to see someone take more abuse then me.. I wear my own blood like a trophy, I'm still standing, still breathing... I win mother fucker....
Everything I do is because of this one person who took advantage of my innocence... it was something I couldn't defend myself from and couldn't fight against... So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I still act out sexually?
Speaking of sex, lets talk about my LEAST FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD!
S-E-X, Its this wierd, complex, fun thing that people do for so many reasons... I don't really know why I do it. I don't like it.. I don't like taking it up the ass, I don't like my dick being sucked, I don't like sucking vag or Dick I don't want to fuck someone in the ass or vag...
So why? why do I want it? I can't allow myself to cum because then people would know that I enjoy it, Everytime I'm with someone in real life I feel so ashamed and paniced... "Oh my god your having sex!!!" "What are you doing?!?!?" "Stop... Stop.... Stop..." "Is it over yet?... I hope so.." "I'm never doing this again..."
Are my thoughts during sex... I just wish I could lie down with someone one night and have NO sexual acts between us.. just lie there and hug each other and love one another... But I get so uncomfortable and restless and I end up initiating sex half the time...
I use to think of myself as a Disgusting vile person until 2 days ago... I'm not a bad person, I'm not disgusting or evil... I'm just Broken, a victim who hasn't recovered yet...
"Recovery" What does that mean for me? What do I have to do?
This book has been helping me get out of depression and I think I've found new fire to light my passions for writing and living..
The Book I've been writing Halfbreed... I was writing it to help other people how I thought people would/could be helped... But now after reading this.. I can see it was just my inner thoughts taking a physical form... Amancio was me complete with my fears of connecting with others, Carmen was tough exterior when being threatened and not wanting to be in physical contact with others, Makari; my lust for power and controling everything around me...
I'm going to write for myself, for my own self-recovery... I'm taking my life back, Now...
+15gs
I'm still confused on some stuff, but I know what I need to do and how I need to change my way of thinking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmHeP9Sve48
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r258Jca9e0A
I'm glad that you're finding some help and I think it's really cool of you to share your story and your feelings. You're not the only one with similar thoughts and experiences, and maybe it will help everyone feel a little more normal and to heal.
*burrhugs* It sounds odd to say, but reading this kinda made my morning a little brighter. Thanks :O3
It sucks because nobody can fully understand the amount of psychological trauma that a childhood sexual abuse victim has to go through, even if someone just runs up and flashs you with there penis or tits or whatever it can have such damaging effects; Its hard to explain..
I just need love, support, and understanding of whats happened to me and it should give me the strength I need to overcome this.. But its far from happening over night... I just need to relax and understand not everyone has alternative goals to talking to me or being nice to me..
To be honest, I'm not that good at conversations and being socail but for some reason i have this 'Charm' or 'Swagger' or so I'm told that people like and it helps me get by..
My own experiences are not nearly as awful or lengthy as yours, but it took me years to even recognize what had really happened and how it still affects me. It was only because of long, hard conversations with my mate that I even realized what went on something like 20 years ago. I probably never would have really thought about it on my own, but whenever you're causing someone you love all kinds of grief and you hear things like
"What's wrong? You act like you were abused or something. Did something happen to you? Why don't you ever trust me? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are..."
you feel like you need to look for a reason. It still doesn't help with all the awkward feelings though. Just trying to put it all into words to someone I love very much and I know loves me bordered on painful :O/
So, yeah, I sorta know a little bit what it's like. There are times when I think I might like to do something like what you did, and tell other people certain things about myself, but I always think "Nobody wants to hear all that. It's not even interesting. Why put my problems on someone else, who probably doesn't even care?" It's especially hard in person, because although I do okay talking to people at work and things, and with my best friends, everyone else is sort of a stranger to me so I feel awkward around them. I feel like there's so much I can't tell them, I dunno what to say at all.
So... yeah. |O3 I think I'm just rambling now, but you're not alone dude.
We were betrayed in a very vulnerable time in our lives and it still effects us to this day. We need to be our own Hero, or find a new one..
Before then, for the most part, I thought of everyone as people who would like me. After that, I sorta assumed that most people wouldn't/don't. Even people around here, where I seem to be semi-popular, I assume to find me rather boring and undesirable |O3
I guess it's probably different for all of us, but that's where I come from.