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Another Introverted Journal
18 years ago
General
Two journals in a row about my personal feelings - sorry guys.
I generally try to avoid putting my insecurities into other people's faces, but perhaps I need the cathartic build up of some friendly advice.
Is it unfair of me to feel left out of others friendships?
It's difficult to quantify accuratly, but as an artist in the fandom, and as a person who knows other people (many of whome are much higher on the social ladder then myself) I feel that I'm being passed over and wonder if I'm doing it to myself in some way, or if I even have a right to feel upset about it.
Everyone here I'm sure has seen that there are some artists who get massive amounts of gift art seemingly for no other reason then they are who they are (even if they aren't an artist themselves [I too am guilty of doing this] ).
And of course, very talented artists will pass gift pics around amongst themselves, so Mr. So-and-so will do a spontaneous gift pic for Such-and-such who does a pic for Whos-ah-whatta, all of whome are exceptionaly talented and enjoy one another's work (no foul at all in any of that, by the way - everyone likes to so nice things for their peers).
And aside from artwork, I image that most everyone reading this knows of groups or people that they would like to associate with, but have no idea how too, or if they are really welcome.
How does one enter into an established group of friends and not feel like they're butting in, or upsetting the balance?
Though these are hardly a new set of issues, they have been on my mind lately.
-
In my way, I'm a bit of a hermit.
I don't reach out to others very often, but am almost always open to listen when others open up to me.
Even the people who I hold as the most important in my life may not hear from me for stretches that can last as long as months. They stay in my thoughts, but not as frequantly in my emails.
I also am not up on (or I choose to avoid) many trends, and am not current on the newest movies/music and so forth. So I know that I am partly to blame for not being a very "hip" guy.
As anyone who has been on FA for a while (or anywhere else at all for that matter) knows, there are a multitude of groups, and little communities of friends milling about.
They do art for one another, comment and joke with one another and, via this glorious electronic medium, are friends with one another.
Perhaps I've been secluded in my cave for so long that I've lost my immunity to social envy.
I'm rambling (as I normally do when I write these kind of introverted spiels), but I feel somwhat left out of those circles.
Even with people who I care for, and count as friends, I get the feeling that I'm shut out.
They have other friends that they've known for longer, who live closer, visit more often, draw better, match them closer in tastes or interests (and maybe don't delve into introversion such as I have).
With at least one of these groups, a part of me connects to them, yet another part of me simultaniously feels rejected - like I'm an outsider, or secretly disaproved of.
As I mentioned, this isn't a rare complaint for most people, and overall I may indeed have it better then some others, but when a man is hungry, telling him that someone else is hungrier doesn't make him lose his appetite.
Despite that however, I'm not sure I have the right to be the slightest bit upset. As I said, a lot of my personal traits don't lend themselves to being a very fun drinking buddy (I don't even drink, and I dislike bars), or movie companion.
And if I don't share many interests with someone, then there's no ground to build a friendship on anyway.
So perhaps it's just basic jealousy - I see people having fun together, hanging out, drawing and joking with one another, and I'm not part of it.
I think at least a small part of my current worry streak is a general feeling of wearing. As the saying goes:
"I need a vacation..."
D.O.P.R
I generally try to avoid putting my insecurities into other people's faces, but perhaps I need the cathartic build up of some friendly advice.
Is it unfair of me to feel left out of others friendships?
It's difficult to quantify accuratly, but as an artist in the fandom, and as a person who knows other people (many of whome are much higher on the social ladder then myself) I feel that I'm being passed over and wonder if I'm doing it to myself in some way, or if I even have a right to feel upset about it.
Everyone here I'm sure has seen that there are some artists who get massive amounts of gift art seemingly for no other reason then they are who they are (even if they aren't an artist themselves [I too am guilty of doing this] ).
And of course, very talented artists will pass gift pics around amongst themselves, so Mr. So-and-so will do a spontaneous gift pic for Such-and-such who does a pic for Whos-ah-whatta, all of whome are exceptionaly talented and enjoy one another's work (no foul at all in any of that, by the way - everyone likes to so nice things for their peers).
And aside from artwork, I image that most everyone reading this knows of groups or people that they would like to associate with, but have no idea how too, or if they are really welcome.
How does one enter into an established group of friends and not feel like they're butting in, or upsetting the balance?
Though these are hardly a new set of issues, they have been on my mind lately.
-
In my way, I'm a bit of a hermit.
I don't reach out to others very often, but am almost always open to listen when others open up to me.
Even the people who I hold as the most important in my life may not hear from me for stretches that can last as long as months. They stay in my thoughts, but not as frequantly in my emails.
I also am not up on (or I choose to avoid) many trends, and am not current on the newest movies/music and so forth. So I know that I am partly to blame for not being a very "hip" guy.
As anyone who has been on FA for a while (or anywhere else at all for that matter) knows, there are a multitude of groups, and little communities of friends milling about.
They do art for one another, comment and joke with one another and, via this glorious electronic medium, are friends with one another.
Perhaps I've been secluded in my cave for so long that I've lost my immunity to social envy.
I'm rambling (as I normally do when I write these kind of introverted spiels), but I feel somwhat left out of those circles.
Even with people who I care for, and count as friends, I get the feeling that I'm shut out.
They have other friends that they've known for longer, who live closer, visit more often, draw better, match them closer in tastes or interests (and maybe don't delve into introversion such as I have).
With at least one of these groups, a part of me connects to them, yet another part of me simultaniously feels rejected - like I'm an outsider, or secretly disaproved of.
As I mentioned, this isn't a rare complaint for most people, and overall I may indeed have it better then some others, but when a man is hungry, telling him that someone else is hungrier doesn't make him lose his appetite.
Despite that however, I'm not sure I have the right to be the slightest bit upset. As I said, a lot of my personal traits don't lend themselves to being a very fun drinking buddy (I don't even drink, and I dislike bars), or movie companion.
And if I don't share many interests with someone, then there's no ground to build a friendship on anyway.
So perhaps it's just basic jealousy - I see people having fun together, hanging out, drawing and joking with one another, and I'm not part of it.
I think at least a small part of my current worry streak is a general feeling of wearing. As the saying goes:
"I need a vacation..."
D.O.P.R
I also know exactly what you mean when you say you feel left out. I've been talking with a dragon who goes by the name of Varka for bit now, and he has decided to make dildos. I've put a fair amount of input on this, but I hear people every other day saying how they got to enjoy watching him make one, how they helped him mold a new one. It makes me feel left out how I am not involved in this.
I could go on and on about this, but the moral of the story is I know how you feel.
Though, I don't know if you noticed, but I have tried a couple times getting in touch with you. My art level is much closer to your own than compared to Athus, Keden, or many of the other dragons, especially the ones we have met at AC. I even tried a picture of Maybell (Which I consider one of my crowning achievements for my own art). We chit chatted a bit at AC (Near the necklace and jewelry table). But, you haven't seemed to try and keep in touch.
I'm still open, if you ever want to talk.
I'm not often on AIM very much, but that's mainly because I'm generally involved in two or three things at once - drawing or a game or writing or housework.
But if you catch me on, or want to talk, just send me a note or an email.
And I know about Varka and his project. He asked my advice at one point, but other then that, I havn't had any input on it either.
D.O.P.R
"Let's be alone together."
I've thought about contacting you several times before, but was honestly somewhat intimidated by your artwork and didn't want to sound like yet another drooling herpy-fanboy.
But at some point one of us might just take that familiar risk and stick our social neck out and see what happens.
D.O.P.R
I can assure you that the only roadblock in the above was simple unfortunate geography... visiting you was the single biggest reason I wanted to go, so I was extremely disappointed when we reached this compromised outcome. The matter got discussed into the ground for hours before we agreed, very begrudgingly, that it just wasn't realistic to cram a visit into what short time work would allow our group. There wasn't time for anything at all.
But we all wanted you there with us, sir. You underestimate other's appreciation of you.
..Part of what I wanted to tell you in that letter I can never seem to get sent, (At this do we both flounder,) is that yes, I will be paying you a visit in the near future.
This time it's top priority.
February.
p.s. Be a dear, don't let anyone know I'm on FA....
The very fact that you were so adamant and eager to make me a part of the gathering shows that at least somewhere, I'm an important part of the group, even if logistics don't make it practicably possible for me to be there.
And at this moment, I can't accuratly describe my joy at the possibiblity of having you with us in Vegas. I really can't say how much that means to me.
Thank you Skadj.
D.O.P.R