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Okay...new plan
14 years ago
General
I don't know if it's the sweltering heat of an apartment with no A/C or not, but I finally realized something last night. If I ever want to have friends, being myself...doesn't work. So in order to keep the few friends I do have (and maybe make some more), I need to change...big time. Unfortunately, I'm not sure just what to change about myself to make me likable.
So...in my first journal in a while that's not a flat out rant of me venting frustration, I turn to anyone who bothers to read this. What kind of person do I need to be to keep the friends I still have and make it possible for me to make more? I am open to any and all suggestions. :)
So...in my first journal in a while that's not a flat out rant of me venting frustration, I turn to anyone who bothers to read this. What kind of person do I need to be to keep the friends I still have and make it possible for me to make more? I am open to any and all suggestions. :)
The reason you 'lost' your friends was because you would throw your personal problems off on a 12 year old girl, who had more than enough problems of her own, from losing her mother, being disabled, getting threats from adults who disliked her defending animal rights, and so much more. The last thing she needed was the fear that if she at any point said she didn't want to talk about your problems, you'd get depressed and kill yourself. AND If you didn't throw them off on her, you threw them off on someone else, who eventually told you off because you were upsetting her. You can't just use people like that. Perhaps if you tried talking about something other than your problems or actually try to have fun and enjoy the time you had with them, you'd still have your friendships. Truth is, you didn't have friendships with those people. You pretty much used them to feed your own story of always being the victim of something. You would stress them to the point THEY were upset and had to say something about it, then get upset when they said they couldn't take it anymore and threaten to kill yourself by making suicidal notes in your skype messages. That is not friendship, that is emotional abuse. Honestly though, I'm glad it turned out the way they did.. I got tired of seeing you use some of my friends, (ESPECIALLY A LITTLE GIRL) for an emotional crutch. It's ok to lean on a friend, but not all the time. You become an emotional leach that way.
No offense but you also seem to cry about how you can't keep friends, but did you ever think to take in maybe how the people you said "abandoned you" felt? No. In fact, you called the little 12 year old girl a LIAR because she had said you'd be friends forever. Talk about nerve. That little girl wanted nothing but to be your friend, and you used her to rant to, then turn around and call her a liar...? Also, the other person I'm sure you know of, did the same. The only reason they might 'hate' you, is because you hurt said 12 year old. You bet your ass ANYONE would be angry at a 20 some year old, emotionally upsetting/using a 12 year old girl, especially if that girl is their friend.
As for myself, I left the muck for more than 3-6 months, the whole time you would rant to that 12 year old about how it was all because of you, that I had left. You have ALWAYS feared me, when lately, I have done nothing to show malice towards you. I'm sorry, but the truth must come out. YOU MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!! Example, you just tried to blame Valve for making you spend $100+... No, you paid for those games. They can't 'make you'.
Anyways, the reason you have such a hard time with friends is because you have such a black and white view of what friendship should be. Your expectations are so high, you can't even live up to them. So, how about you try learning what it takes to be a friend. I can tell you now, changing who you are is a pretty stupid thought. How do you be someone you are not? Truth is, you don't. As I said before, try changing your behavior.
P.S. You didn't loose a single friend for being yourself. You lost your friends because your actions were hurting them and you didn't seem to care, because you kept doing it when asked to stop or felt that they weren't being good friends because they didn't want to listen. .
P.S.S. Keep in mind, NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WILL LIKE YOU! YOU CAN'T BE EVERYONE'S FRIEND! You seriously should stop worrying about being everyone's friend. You put way too much into the thoughts of others rather your own, that is called being insecure and dependent.
Well for one thing I was open about my problems to my friends because I thought they cared, even said girl. Also, I said I was never talking to her again and I meant it, so you don't have to worry about that anymore.
As for blaming Valve...I wasn't blaming them. I was the one that spent all that money on it, so I'm going to be hating myself if the purchases go south. I was only commenting on the effectiveness of their marketing.
Once again, you are failing to take into consideration the persons you effect. It's not that they didn't care, it's that you would talk about nothing BUT your problems. You'd never talk about anything else. Do you want to know why my friends stay with me? It's because I actually ask them how they are doing... It's because I actually talk to them about their problems if something's bothering them. It's because I know when to talking negatively and when to smile and enjoy my friend's company. Being friends is not about sharing each others burdens, it's about sharing each others joys too.
Yea, I rant with friends about my problems, but you know what? I'm more interested in listening to them rant and helping them out the most I can, even if all I can be is a listening ear. I try cheering my friends up. I try talking positively so that they don't become upset. The same 12 year old girl asked me about my problems, was more than happy to listen to try and help, but I still told her I'd rather not talk with her about my problems. WHY? I'd rather laugh and smile with her than talk about my problems. I'd rather make her laugh whenever she squeezes that lil' dinosaur squeaker thing, than stress her out with my problems.
It's not that THEY didn't care, it's that you never did. You're more upset that they 'betrayed' you than the fact, THEY WERE HURT AND UPSET. Virtual hugs/cuddles won't fix shit. The reason the little girl always said yes was because she was afraid to say no... so she would endure you speaking negatively of her other friends to try and make you feel better. She was hurting, Cedric... but she wanted you to be happy... just like everyone else.
If you really want friends, you have to learn how to quit being so self centered. (AKA, They hate me, they betrayed me, they lied to me, I told them about MY problems because I thought they cared about ME) You don't think it hurt the girls feelings when she lost you as a friend? She thought highly of you, but was just getting upset hearing you always talking about bad/negative stuff. She was torn between friends because you'd speak poorly of us. That's why her other friends stepped in and told you to leave her alone. More importantly, told you that if you couldn't treat her nicely, leave her alone. Friends don't beat each other down or
depress one another, they help one another, and smile.
If you want to keep your friends, you MUST quit being so selfish but more importantly, learn to actually enjoy the time you have with your friends. If all you ever do is rant about this problem or that problem, no one will want to talk with you. EVERYONE has problems, no need to compare them. It's very nice to have someone to talk to about your problems, but keep in mind, not everyone wants to talk about people's problems all the time.... and also, the other person has problems too... They might need to get some of it off their chest too... (In other words, if something is seriously bothering you, it's ok to talk to someone about it... Just keep in mind friendship isn't a one sided road... Offer to listen to your friend if they listen to you, even if they don't listen to you...)
Right. Well, Cedric, I've been meaning to talk to you for a bit, actually. Being away for 3 weeks has done something, and I'm realising you're not the only one needing to change. I lured you into a false sense of security by having way too much to do with your personal life, and letting you tell me anything just because I believed in the theory of "better out than in". Unfortunately, my consolation did you no good and it was the reason our friendship ultimately rollercoastered (went up and up and up to the point where we couldn't live without each other then crashed to the floor and below it...)
Lessons for me? I bit off more than I could chew and contracted a nasty mouth ulcer from it (if you get what I mean). I'm only a kid and I haven't been around long enough to give full, stable advice. I thought I could figure you out, I thought I could make everything better for you, but I made it almost worse. We were running in circles, Cedric, and I only always said "yes" because I cared, and I loved you. You were my companion and my best friend. If there is a next time, I will control myself in my words and my feelings. I won't jump to sort you out because chances are there's someone who could do you much more good, whether it's your mum or dad, Zen, Xav or any of our other friends, or a doctor or professional. I need to sort out the rough edges in my personality anyway, and if we can salvage at least an acquaintance from the wreckage of our past then I am very much willing to do so.
Lessons for you? I can't say Zen wasn't right. You need to work out -why- you're falling flat on your face before you pick yourself up and forget to dust yourself off (this comment is full of metaphors, I know. I'm a writer, I'm allowed to. :P). I was, and still am, going through a lot of stress, as everyone is, and considering how -I- might be feeling sometimes just might push things in the right direction. I am accepting that I said "forever" and perhaps was wrong, but so did you, and to hear you called me a liar is...hurtful. Very hurtful. No matter how bad things were, I never, ever meant to lie. I was disillusioned and said a lot of things that turned out not to be true. I always did try to make you see the brighter side of things by chatting, cracking (often rubbish) jokes just to hear that unmistakable giggle of yours. I wanted us to have a proper friendship, and when every element of happiness faded from you, I just couldn't go on. Care and think of others, and they will care and look after you.
And Zen, the way you stuck up for me was admirable. You are a true friend and showing me that you are willing to defend anyone who hurts me is a great reassurance. I'm not so much of a "little girl" as you say, but I am growing up and I need friends who will have my back, not friends that will lean on me. You all have been positive role models in one way or another, and my only wish now is for things to be settled in the dust and our troubles put to rest so we are all happy with the outcome. Perhaps if we all co-operate my wish will come true, but to do that we need to work together (as cliché as it sounds...). And yeah, I'm 13 now. XD Prepare for the rise of the dreadful teenage wuffer!!
Also, next time you're on Skype you get a special squeak of Mr. Dinosaur. And Xavier, thanks for supporting me as well. You see, Cedric? These guys have my back but I won't drag them down. It's just so much easier.
I try really hard to say how I feel then you go and say something like that. I don't even know what you mean by it, but I guess you're just too wound up with me to bother with saying anything else.
Really, I was right. It's not me that hates you. It's you that hates me.
If you didn't hate me you'd at least be considerate enough to give me a decent reply after all this time.
There's a part of me that's expecting to get nowhere with you now, and there's another part that's holding on to the hope of finding the Cedric you once were inside you again. You have changed...But I want you back and I want it to work.
So...all that considered in my last post, we both need an apology. You from me, and me from you.
Do you accept my apology? Do you apologise yourself? *extends a paw*
...are you ready for another try?...