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I don't get it :/ (Rant/Depression/Insomnia)
14 years ago
I have had this idea for some time now and it keeps bugging me to ask so fuck it...if you don't want to read then please stop (for those of you who actually amazingly read my journals)...
First off I just want to ask what is up with the women of today. I mean...I am a really nice guy or so I keep getting told. A month ago I was trying to date this girl (she was human but knew of furries btw) I was honest, very loving, willing to give up almost everything for her, I asked her all the serious questions and maybe that could be where I went wrong but the whole time I was over at her house or around her she would always say that I was the nicest guy she had ever met and get this the only one to ever buy her a dozen roses (which YES I LOVE giving a girl flowers) I rubbed her feet and would love to just sit and stare at her...she had a dog that she loved dearly and treated her very well and we would go on late night walks which was nice. She was going to college as a singing major and was politically active which kinda lead to a few headaches but it was good conversations for the most part.
I will admit I was having a lot of fear and jealousy when she was spending time with her best friend and the same girl who introduced me to her and I admitted that to her one night and I honestly can't explain why I was so afraid of it but I always have that stupid thought that I will one day screw up somewhere and it will lead to her not wanting to see me again which basically happened here. One thing that really bothered me was that one day this friend of mine who introduced me to her was telling me what I should be doing with her and that she would choose her over me and all I could say to dissolve the matter was "Oh I know she would..." >_< what was I thinking there I am not sure but that was kinda the first sign that something was going to happen...but when I was around her all my worries flaked away and my main focus was to just see her happy and her smile. One of the last nights I was over at her place we cuddled together on her couch and she slept on my chest till I accidentally woke her up. A few days later I was asked to help the other girl move her stuff into her new dorm room on campus and I agreed to but stupid me I ended up staying up late and nearly slept in showing up late she was already upset with me and clearly stressed about moving but deciding to take it out on me. when we arrived at her new dorm she gave me her car keys and asked if I would unload her car which I was ok with doing...I went to go move her car closer and she came out and freaked out about it and I was already tired and kind of upset that she was taking out her stress on me...not to mention that she invited the girl I was seeing over to her new dorm and I made her wait in the parking lot for 45 minutes and she was insistent on informing me of it which makes me feel like I let them both down so I told her I was only going to move her car a little closer which she was just insisting it was impossible to get it closer so she started arguing with me about it and I just raised my hand up and asked her to stop in a louder voice and then she looks at me and says to go home and that she would handle the rest of it which I was not going to let happen so I finished unloading her car and listening to my iPod while doing so as by now I was getting ready to become very upset with both of them. After that was done I was going to help her organize but she said they would both get it and that I would only get into there way so after a few minutes I left very pissed off and got ready for work. Another few days later I IM'd her asking her what was up and she seemed very distant and hesitant to talk to me so I just finally asked what was bothering her and she said that honestly she didn't see anything romantic happening between us...just a really good friend vibe. I can not tell you how many times I have heard that and she still hasn't IM'd me wanting to hang out or anything so I am just going to be another good friend I am afraid.
I really don't know what I did specifically but at this point...I screwed up again so what else is new. The thing that sucks is that you see all these great furry couples here and elsewhere and you can't help but wonder "When is it my turn...or do I even get a turn? which I still say that I don't deserve :/ ) I really am just so tired of trying to date or even expressing my care in this world or to anyone. I want to know what is wrong with me and why do I have to be that sensitive guy that is too afraid of rejection.
I say this a lot too but I always have the thought in my head that any girl I see and I think "Wow she looks cute or I should ask her out..." my brain will say that she deserves better and what are you thinking trying to ask her out...what if she says no? what if she laughs at me or something...
I have a really bad image of myself and I realize that but its something I can't control no matter how much I drink (which this usually makes it worse) or how much therapy I have tried. I just really don't honestly believe that I deserve the happiness of having someone and according to what my friend was telling me that one day I don't know how to date anyone or how to even keep a conversation going. I feel so broken and this last month I keep trying to figure where I went wrong which leads to worse insomnia and the drinking issues >//>
Heres a small list about me and the dating world (at least how I figure it)
1. I have a very VERY poor self image but know deep down I would devote my heart to someone 110%
2. I have an insane fear of rejection and a very soft heart so any little mistake is a big one *perfectionist*
3. I really honestly don't know the DO's and DON'Ts of dating
4. I have many complications and I need validation of interest and need a lift up emotionally often
5. I am very picky and being a chakat I have many friends and mates who I speak with daily
6. I am introverted but given the right push I love being outside and doing fun sport activities
7. I am very eager to just settle down and am not afraid to ask the big questions (AKA - Marriage, children, etc.)
8. I really don't take compliments easily and at times (85% of the time) I am feminist in nature
9. I am usually very sexually active and honestly paw off A LOT...soo ummm >/////< yea
10. If someday children are a factor I would rather die then put them through a divorce like I went through
Those are probably the big 10 for me...
This whole last month as been horrible in general. Back to School at Office Depot has kept me busy and the hours were almost more then I could handle...I haven't had a day off in about 12 days. I just felt like a drone most of the time and with this girl crap happening it only made me more moody around my customers (not to mention that two other co-workers of mine went through the same crap one being married however and the other being with the girl for 8 months) For the most part I just drown the drunken sorrow into all these games I have been playing lately. I really miss the way things were back in high school and wish I could go back with the knowledge I had now.
Other then that...it feels really good to talk about this and I feel a lot better but still can't sleep so I will find something to do I suppose
thank you for reading if you did
~ Chakat Nightstorm
~ Oakley Omega (Skoyote)
First off I just want to ask what is up with the women of today. I mean...I am a really nice guy or so I keep getting told. A month ago I was trying to date this girl (she was human but knew of furries btw) I was honest, very loving, willing to give up almost everything for her, I asked her all the serious questions and maybe that could be where I went wrong but the whole time I was over at her house or around her she would always say that I was the nicest guy she had ever met and get this the only one to ever buy her a dozen roses (which YES I LOVE giving a girl flowers) I rubbed her feet and would love to just sit and stare at her...she had a dog that she loved dearly and treated her very well and we would go on late night walks which was nice. She was going to college as a singing major and was politically active which kinda lead to a few headaches but it was good conversations for the most part.
I will admit I was having a lot of fear and jealousy when she was spending time with her best friend and the same girl who introduced me to her and I admitted that to her one night and I honestly can't explain why I was so afraid of it but I always have that stupid thought that I will one day screw up somewhere and it will lead to her not wanting to see me again which basically happened here. One thing that really bothered me was that one day this friend of mine who introduced me to her was telling me what I should be doing with her and that she would choose her over me and all I could say to dissolve the matter was "Oh I know she would..." >_< what was I thinking there I am not sure but that was kinda the first sign that something was going to happen...but when I was around her all my worries flaked away and my main focus was to just see her happy and her smile. One of the last nights I was over at her place we cuddled together on her couch and she slept on my chest till I accidentally woke her up. A few days later I was asked to help the other girl move her stuff into her new dorm room on campus and I agreed to but stupid me I ended up staying up late and nearly slept in showing up late she was already upset with me and clearly stressed about moving but deciding to take it out on me. when we arrived at her new dorm she gave me her car keys and asked if I would unload her car which I was ok with doing...I went to go move her car closer and she came out and freaked out about it and I was already tired and kind of upset that she was taking out her stress on me...not to mention that she invited the girl I was seeing over to her new dorm and I made her wait in the parking lot for 45 minutes and she was insistent on informing me of it which makes me feel like I let them both down so I told her I was only going to move her car a little closer which she was just insisting it was impossible to get it closer so she started arguing with me about it and I just raised my hand up and asked her to stop in a louder voice and then she looks at me and says to go home and that she would handle the rest of it which I was not going to let happen so I finished unloading her car and listening to my iPod while doing so as by now I was getting ready to become very upset with both of them. After that was done I was going to help her organize but she said they would both get it and that I would only get into there way so after a few minutes I left very pissed off and got ready for work. Another few days later I IM'd her asking her what was up and she seemed very distant and hesitant to talk to me so I just finally asked what was bothering her and she said that honestly she didn't see anything romantic happening between us...just a really good friend vibe. I can not tell you how many times I have heard that and she still hasn't IM'd me wanting to hang out or anything so I am just going to be another good friend I am afraid.
I really don't know what I did specifically but at this point...I screwed up again so what else is new. The thing that sucks is that you see all these great furry couples here and elsewhere and you can't help but wonder "When is it my turn...or do I even get a turn? which I still say that I don't deserve :/ ) I really am just so tired of trying to date or even expressing my care in this world or to anyone. I want to know what is wrong with me and why do I have to be that sensitive guy that is too afraid of rejection.
I say this a lot too but I always have the thought in my head that any girl I see and I think "Wow she looks cute or I should ask her out..." my brain will say that she deserves better and what are you thinking trying to ask her out...what if she says no? what if she laughs at me or something...
I have a really bad image of myself and I realize that but its something I can't control no matter how much I drink (which this usually makes it worse) or how much therapy I have tried. I just really don't honestly believe that I deserve the happiness of having someone and according to what my friend was telling me that one day I don't know how to date anyone or how to even keep a conversation going. I feel so broken and this last month I keep trying to figure where I went wrong which leads to worse insomnia and the drinking issues >//>
Heres a small list about me and the dating world (at least how I figure it)
1. I have a very VERY poor self image but know deep down I would devote my heart to someone 110%
2. I have an insane fear of rejection and a very soft heart so any little mistake is a big one *perfectionist*
3. I really honestly don't know the DO's and DON'Ts of dating
4. I have many complications and I need validation of interest and need a lift up emotionally often
5. I am very picky and being a chakat I have many friends and mates who I speak with daily
6. I am introverted but given the right push I love being outside and doing fun sport activities
7. I am very eager to just settle down and am not afraid to ask the big questions (AKA - Marriage, children, etc.)
8. I really don't take compliments easily and at times (85% of the time) I am feminist in nature
9. I am usually very sexually active and honestly paw off A LOT...soo ummm >/////< yea
10. If someday children are a factor I would rather die then put them through a divorce like I went through
Those are probably the big 10 for me...
This whole last month as been horrible in general. Back to School at Office Depot has kept me busy and the hours were almost more then I could handle...I haven't had a day off in about 12 days. I just felt like a drone most of the time and with this girl crap happening it only made me more moody around my customers (not to mention that two other co-workers of mine went through the same crap one being married however and the other being with the girl for 8 months) For the most part I just drown the drunken sorrow into all these games I have been playing lately. I really miss the way things were back in high school and wish I could go back with the knowledge I had now.
Other then that...it feels really good to talk about this and I feel a lot better but still can't sleep so I will find something to do I suppose
thank you for reading if you did
~ Chakat Nightstorm
~ Oakley Omega (Skoyote)
The first thing I would recommend is that you need to learn to love yourself before you are ready to be dating. Women are attracted to men who feel good about themselves. It changes their demeanor. It's easier to love someone when they already love themselves. At the very least, you need to work on being more comfortable with yourself. Dattas didn't love himself per se, but he knew he is a good person.
Not that its a bad thing if you still get upset or sad at yourself, because it gives you something to work on with another. I still get frustrated when Dattas says he is worthless. He still gets frustrated with me when I say I am worthless.
Being finicky about stupid things comes with the age group you are in. If I remember right, you are still under 22? Lots of people do really stupid and overly dramatic crap. Odds are, you did nothing wrong. They are just drama queens. Then again, that's just my impression.
women are very hard to read sometimes and thats why I kind of "went the other way" so to speak, but I never gave up hope that I would find that someone.
I am sorry to hear all this, but I do know one thing, your are a very awesome person, if other people don't see that in you its there problem not yours, so keep your chin up and that special someone will fall right into your lap, and you know I am always around to talk to if you feel the need too =)