So, I went to see the doctor on Tuesday. I didn't get my normal doctor, as she was on vacation, but I did get to see her colliege(sp). All she did was order spinal x-rays, prod my back to make me cry, AFTER making me stand which was a feat all in itself. Then she refilled my morphine, and referred me to the Pain Management Clinic. I hadn't been home for an hour when they called to set up an appointment. The wanted me to come to orientation, which lasts 3 hours, the very next day. considering the pain I'm in, and the fact that just sitting in my wheelchair is so painful, I had to tell her there was no way. So, on September 7th, from 7-10am, I get to sit and listen to their orientation. I am skeptical, as the last time I did this and physical therapy, it put me in the hospital for over a week. She did say that they have new medications, and new methods, but I'm still not sure it's going to work. I will do my best to give it an honest try, since i really hate having to lay on my sides only for days at a time, as I can't stand ANYTHING touching my back, and the pain goes down into my legs. I hope that the x-rays show that it's just the bad discs acting up, and not just the Fibromyalgia and arthritis, but, with my track record, they will show nothing. I'm back on steroids, which makes my blood sugar rise, just one of the side effects. I also get hairs where they don't belong. I just hope no new ones pop up. I'm really tired. There's got to be something I can do to lift my spirits, but I don't know what. I'm fighting to get my new wheelchair replaced, because of the Disneyland nightmare, where the first time I used my new chair, I had bolts literally flying off the wheels. I didn't think I was going to make it through the day. Then, even though I drank a lot that day, more than usual, I got Heat Exhaustion, from which I'm still trying to recover. This is why there are times when I wonder if it's all worth it. I mean, I love my family, but is it really fair to put them through all of this pain and misery, having to take care of me - not that they do. I went almost 3 full days without eating anything, and no one even bothered to ask me if I was hungry. And when they did, it was Spaghetti, which they know I can't eat, so that meant I didn't eat anything. I find it Ironic, that my husband has the gall to berate me on my eating habits, when the 2 days before he didn't even come into the bedroom to see how I was doing. The only time I saw him was when he asked me to try and win tickets on the computer, while he was at work. I can't even sit, due to the spinal pain, but he expects me to try and win him concert tickets??? WTF??? This is why I know he's back to the old ways, when I separated with him a year and a half ago. I want someone to care for me. When he's sick, I'm there for him no matter how bad I feel, but then he can't be bothered when I'm so bad I can't get up. My son Jebus is home, but he's going to have to go stay with my mom, as my brother - thank god - finally got a job. But it's in Stockton california, and my mom's house is in Riverside CA. She has severe Rheumatoid arthritis, and can't be left alone for too long, so Jebus is going to have to go stay with her, so she has a way to get to the doctor's for her monthly IV treatments, and to the store, etc... I want him to go. I just wish I could go with him. I miss her, and I don't get to see her very often. It's harder when I don't feel good, and I need someone to care about me. My mother in law said she would make sure I got my meds ontime, yadda yadda yadda. It's a joke. She'll come in and ask me Hours after I was supposed to take them. That's not how it works. I have been writing it down, but if I sleep past the time, that's when someone is supposed to wake me up to take them. It doesn't happen, so I try to sleep as little as possible to make sure I don't miss the next dose, as it's very important that they are taken on time. See why I say I'm tired, and don't know if all this is worth it? I really don't know what my future holds for me. My daughter came over now that she's back from her trip to Germany, and when she left, she didn't even say goodbye to me. That breaks my heart. I'm not even important enough for a goodbye. As it was, she had been here for 30 minutes before anyone even thought to tell me she was here. I feel like an after-thought, and the only time I'm important to anyone is when it's time to pay the rent, since I pay the majority of it. I really wish there was someway I could get out of here sometimes!
Well, enough of the self-pity. When I feel better, I hope things will be looking up. I'm even sad there's no PS for me to get away and see people who actually talk to me.