I have a social disorder. When my mother went into labour with me she was having difficulty so I was delivered with forceps. This caused frontal lobal damage and is the cause of my disorder. I'll have it for the rest of my life. It is very mild and most of the time, no one can tell it's there. But it is and it has had a significant impact on who I am.
From a young age I was a victim of bullying. I know that kids are usually cruel, but it had scarred me for life.
My disorder tends to show in only one aspect of my life: Social interaction. I sometimes have a little trouble picking up social cues, for example, if someone is being extra subtle, I can't tell if they are joking, being serious, hinting at me to stop talking or to go away.
Because of this, I was a target for bullies. I was perfect for their amusement. They could tease and trick me to their hearts content and keep on doing so for ages because I didn't realise they were teasing me. This hurt me and had made me wary towards new people I met. But the worst was yet to come. My so-called 'friends' decided it would be fun to target me too. My 'best friend' would set me up in situations, making me the laughing stock of the school and I would be the last to know. The people who were supposed to be on my side betrayed me. This was the only time in my life I had ever wished I was dead. If it wasn't for the love and support of my family, I wouldn't have made it.
Fortunately, my Dad was offered a better job elsewhere so we moved interstate. It was a chance for a fresh start.
In my new school, it looked for a time I would fall back into the same routine, with the main bully starting to target me. But I had had enough of it and stood up to her. With that, I discovered I had a backbone and was capable of being strong within myself.
During this time, I also made my first TRUE friends. I'm still close to them and we still catch up on a regular basis. I am so thankful for having them in my life.
The rest of my school years passed smoothly for me. The only (and most traumatic) thing which happened was when a person within our group of friends attemped suicide in my final year. She died in hospital not long after. It further drove home how much I value my life and the lives of those I love. I still feel guilty that I didn't know what she was going through.
When school ended, I was surprised to hear many people tell me that they admired me. They admired my ability to be who I was and didn't care about what others thought about me. I had never thought much about it, to be honest. I just didn't want to live a lie anymore.
When I got out of high school, I moved on to my extra studies. I was having some trouble with my classmates so I told my teacher about my disorder. Afterwards he just treated me like I was dumb and talked to me like I was a slow five year old. I wanted to scream in his face "I AM NOT STUPID! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY MIND!"
I came close to losing my first job because my boss thought I was being ignorant, when really I was just not picking up her subtle tone.
I remember just sitting at home, crying and asking God over and over "Why did this happen to me? Why couldn't have I been normal?"
During this time, I had joined a club for Doctor Who fans at my Mum's suggestion I needed to meet new people. Little did I know then that these people would turn out to be some of my closest and most trusted friends.
Eventually the stress became too much. I was planning on going on holiday anyway, so I gave my notice a few weeks before I was due to take my leave. I was given a very nice going away party and was told how much I would be missed. It took some time for me to realise I was bullied out of a job I was very capably doing for over a year by new management.
I went overseas for a month. It was freeing and exciting and just the breath of fresh air I needed. This was also the year I attended AnthroCon where I met many very dear friends and, unknowingly, my future boyfriend.
I came back to a new job then another, both firing me without notice. Though I constantly begged for them to tell me ways I could improve, they told me I was doing a great job and never got a repremand. I found out later I was one of the many victims of companies seeking free labour. The government pays for the three month training period and at that time you could be fired without notice. I beleive that scheme has been investigated.
Again, I had made wonderful friends at the last job and we still catch up when can, even though hardly any of us work for that company anymore.
As you can imagine, this did nothing for my self confidance. I began to withdraw from my friends and would break into tears without any reason. I was sad all the time and hardly anything would make me happy.
I went to my doctor, confused of what was happening to me. I was diagnosed with depression and was referred to a physcologist.
My physcologist was a wonderful man who helped me to face and heal old wounds which I had thought I had let go of. He helped me to realise that it didn't matter that I had a social disorder and there was nothing wrong with me. He helped me to see it didn't matter what the world thought, only what I thought about myself. He helped me out of a dark place and I am still deeply grateful to him.
Eventually I gained employment in my new job in a Nanny agency and found that I had a talent working with children. I was childish enough that they enjoyed being with me but strict enough they didn't push their luck. It just came naturally to me. My boss is a wonderful person who looks out for her employees. I very quickly became one of her most sought after nannies.
I'm now applying to university and hope to be a teacher to young children.
I can say for the first time in my life I am truly happy with all aspects of my life.
My life hasn't been easy, but by keeping my family and friends close and seeking help when I needed it, I overcame my past and became better person.
I thank God everyday he surrounded me with people who love me and allowing me to finally love myself for who I am.
I hope that by sharing this, I can encourage those who need help to seek it.
That you can't let your past dictate who you are today or who you can become.
You are not as alone as you think.
You are loved.