......... well...... im losing my mind........ really bad.........
im destabilizing.......... my emotional flips are becoming more frequent and worse again.......
.......... the things that fly in and out of head when depression or pain flip on...... they........ theyre starting to really get to me...............
"haha, your worthless and you know it! no one wants you, your entire life has proven that a thousand times over!"
"worthless... worthless... worthless..... nothing.... i.... am nothing...... inside and out.... past, present, and future........."
...... "life is a prison you cant escape, and you know the way out. take it. take it. die now. its the only way out"


......... so... as you can see....... im not quite doing too well off.........
and, really.... nothing helps anymore...... i lack desire to do much of anything anymore........ i wish i could just curl up and die..........
you know what? no.... i wish to know i am dying when i am...... if i had a wish, i wish i would get hit by a car and bleed out in the street.
..... walking along, mind plagued with an endless bombardment of pain.... just walking along..... cross the street, barely paying enough mind to look.... the driver sees you and locks up their brakes doing their best not to hit me... they didnt have enough time and I get hit just hard enough to be fatally wounded, but not hard enough to kill me on the spot...... So now, I lay there, bleeding, in extraneous pain, knowing i am going to die...... i can just la there, feel the blood flow from my body.... think about my life, what has gone wrong, what i should have done.... what i should have held closer and what i should have pushed away....... i just get to lay there and think.... if my lungs arnt collapsed and my vocal cords still work, i want to thank the driver that hit me as they get out to see my now mangled and bloody body.... i want to thank them.... tears running down my face..... blood dripping from my lips (from internal bleeding)....... i want to lay their dying........ im not sure what my last words i want...... "thank you" or the classic "good bye cruel world".... maybe "fuck my life" would be a good one...... or just simple "good bye"........
that is how i want to die.... that is how....... i want to know i am dying and just reflect on life..........

im going out of my mind..... i know it all too well........ i know...... regardless...... i cant shake these thaughts and feelings..... i cant just brush them off and everything be better...... just..... not possible.... you know?
these things are..... they dont go away....... even when my happy mode flips on.... these thaughts are still in the back of my mind...... not even that far back.......


there was only one thing that made me actually stable...... i was this way prior to it..... worse even....... ive been reverting back............. my body isnt as used to it as it used to be...... hence the crying and unexpected emotional flips and such......... laughing when i shouldnt, crying when i should probably laugh...... etc.......
still..... the one thing that actually made me stable is better off this way..... even if im not... that is what is important.... so things will stay this way for a bit probobly....... as long as it stays better off and happy.... all is good..... as far as im concerned, that is what matters..... i dont care that im worthelss, i knew that.... i dont care im suicidal.... dont care i am emotionally and mentally unstable..... i dont care..... so long as he is happy.......



...............i just needed to vent out these emotions....... if you read this, then you didnt see the title..........
....that is all..............