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Just some random furry topics, if your interested in me.
14 years ago
Through the time I've been here I've learned a lot about people. Not just furry's but what people are capable of. I feel through this fandom I've had friends (even best friends) that If they weren't furry, I probably would have never talked to them just from being in different standpoints. I don't want this to be a shallow point. But a lot of the people I hang out with don't coordinate with my "normal" or non furry group of friends. but I feel like this fandom has opened by eyes to being less outside and seeing people who they truly are on the inside. People I know who know some of my fur friends have even said things to my face.. about how weird they thought he (or she) was. . and I always defended them above anything they said. I would rather lose a friend "irl" than listen to anyone say anything bad about my friends. I couldn't ever stand to hear them say it. I feel awful I used to be like that. I just feel the fandom has really taught me another lesson upon opening my eyes
But in the other side of this, My eyes have been opened to a lot bad things about people. I start to get to know them off the web and I slowly start to see the layer they create by being furry.
I can honestly say I act different to my furry friends than my NF (non furry) friends and I see this in a lot of friends I know. But after a while.. the shell of their furry self starts to be taken off layer by layer once you get to know them and start to consider them a "friend" more than just a furry friend I chat on aim with sometimes. And I see that that "shell" they use is just to cover something up they want to hide... Sometimes it's being shy or something simple like being self conscious (it's impossible to be gay and not be.. hell it's really hard in general not to be) But recently I've been seeing a lot of seriously bad sides that I've been really naive to. Stuff I just don't want to think about or don't want to accept and I'll have this mini "revelations" about people that I just can't imagine I couldn't see before and now that I do I feel so much better.
I used to have this notion where I was best friends with everyone.. Talking to me on aim.. or even texting made us BFFFF's, enough to add them to my page so that everyone can see how much they mean to me. I used to have like 12 people.. more than the limit allowed and I had to decide between people. That number (through a lot of things as well) went from 8.. to recent 4.. to now 2. Do I consider more people than that to be my friends? absolutely. You all mean a lot to me on a lot of different levels. But those two now are the only ones I feel 100% with. People I could trust with anything I could tell them. That number used to be around 5, but recently I've been so.. hurt by intentional actions that I can't consider those people in that zone of total trust anymore..
Lately I've also been feeling that.. hell.. being on my page is an honor.. everyone who comes to my page will instantly know who means a lot to me.. and that's a BFD to me.. that's one of the first things I see when I look at someone's page... That person must really care about that person a lot, enough to want everyone to know.. and that means so much to me... that I will never take it for granted again. Being on someone's page for me, fills me with a pride and a joy that through a lot of different reasons really fills me with intense happiness
also I've realized lately how easy it is for someone to just.. lose contact with me. Sometimes weeks go by before I even talk to someone I once considered such a good friend, and on some level that's fine, things happen, But then I realize what friendship meant so much to me.. means a lot less to you.. and eventually our friendship is reduced to me passing over your name on Aim when I go to see who's on... hardly considering even saying hi. This makes me sad that I've lost the friendship but at the same time... Phone works both ways you know...
I used to really trust people.. especially furs but lately.. I don't know who to trust.. or even who my real friends are.. I get so paranoid now... thinking if you consider our friendship on the same level that I do.. Do my opinions mean as much as yours do to me? Do you care enough to keep that contact up even if it takes more effort? sometimes.. I just don't know.. and sometimes it makes me really depressed to think about
I'm not really sure where this is all coming from. But since I've been back at school I haven't been feeling like myself. Hell Freshman year I fucking loved this place... I hated even calling home to hear my old life...to even being reminded about home made me mad. I mean I still love school and stuff and I can't believe I'm already half way through a music degree. Wow. In less than two years I'll be considered a real elite musician, someone who is respected through the hard work and dedication I put through my horn each.. and every day I'll look at that degree knowing everything I went through was worth it..I feel as though now I'm a great musician (music is something I'm not self conscious in at all) but the paper to prove it will really show more than what I just tell you, and I'll think about all the people and friends I made through it. But being back this year is.. bitter sweet, at some level I feel like I've lost a lot of connections I used to have here... just lacking interest in people who don't share the furry passion like me...and I feel as though that attitude is expressed when I've been hanging out with them lately. I feel as though they can see me distancing myself from them as furry soon becomes more and more of my life. It's pathetic really.
I do feel as though my interests have really changed. Hell freshman year all I could think about was paying for cover at bars and if I had enough money to buy a handle of rum for this weekend.. Now I think about do I have enough to get more commissions or do I have enough to pay for my room at ETC con. My interests have shifted so much and I feel as though it's for the better. I'll never regret furry. I'll never regret the friends and even the enemies I've made. and Yes there are a few... through my doing or theirs it's happened a few times in the last few years. But I know I'm better off without each and every one of them so it really doesn't matter who started it or who did what.. now we don't talk.. so the reason is so trivial now. I've just been thinking a lot about my true friends, people who I can say with no stutter that they are my true friends and that feeling can't be replaced.
I'm not really sure if your going to be able to see what I'm trying to get at? My goal isn't to tell anyone"U BAD FRIEND WTFF" but it's to show what a real friend means to me and why I do the things I do.. Most based around the paranoia I have around trust. I really hope to not offend people. But these are things I've been feeling for a long time. Basic trust issues I've had with a lot of people.. Being bitter about being lied to so many times by people I once considered so close and above all, my feelings towards a lot of people and what they mean to me, that I just don't feel back.
---
Also I've been considering a lot about the colors on this site (mostly as I typed this) Really? Really FA there are NO other colors, NO OTHER colors you could have possibly chosen for a background color "MMMMM lets get the only two colors that have never been used ever for anything and make those the ONLY options you have to choose from and that you have to stare at everyday... I mean.. there can't POSSIBLY be a reason why NO ONE has ever used them before right?"
I just feel as though both colors are horribly awful and can't possibly see a reason for them being chosen. Super dumb
Also if you just comment on this portion of the journal.. I'll probably just skip over it cause you clearly don't care enough about to read like.. two pages of text.
Edits: I didn't realize how long this was until I actually published it.
Also the amount of people who actually read my journals anyways? like 6.
More edits:
Also I want to say that this journal comes from a lot more points than bitterness. Yes I guess I am a bit bitter. But It also comes with how much I miss talking to a lot of people who I just feel.. have completely forgotten about me and how much I miss being their friend before things got complicated or just from.. a lack of interest.
But in the other side of this, My eyes have been opened to a lot bad things about people. I start to get to know them off the web and I slowly start to see the layer they create by being furry.
I can honestly say I act different to my furry friends than my NF (non furry) friends and I see this in a lot of friends I know. But after a while.. the shell of their furry self starts to be taken off layer by layer once you get to know them and start to consider them a "friend" more than just a furry friend I chat on aim with sometimes. And I see that that "shell" they use is just to cover something up they want to hide... Sometimes it's being shy or something simple like being self conscious (it's impossible to be gay and not be.. hell it's really hard in general not to be) But recently I've been seeing a lot of seriously bad sides that I've been really naive to. Stuff I just don't want to think about or don't want to accept and I'll have this mini "revelations" about people that I just can't imagine I couldn't see before and now that I do I feel so much better.
I used to have this notion where I was best friends with everyone.. Talking to me on aim.. or even texting made us BFFFF's, enough to add them to my page so that everyone can see how much they mean to me. I used to have like 12 people.. more than the limit allowed and I had to decide between people. That number (through a lot of things as well) went from 8.. to recent 4.. to now 2. Do I consider more people than that to be my friends? absolutely. You all mean a lot to me on a lot of different levels. But those two now are the only ones I feel 100% with. People I could trust with anything I could tell them. That number used to be around 5, but recently I've been so.. hurt by intentional actions that I can't consider those people in that zone of total trust anymore..
Lately I've also been feeling that.. hell.. being on my page is an honor.. everyone who comes to my page will instantly know who means a lot to me.. and that's a BFD to me.. that's one of the first things I see when I look at someone's page... That person must really care about that person a lot, enough to want everyone to know.. and that means so much to me... that I will never take it for granted again. Being on someone's page for me, fills me with a pride and a joy that through a lot of different reasons really fills me with intense happiness
also I've realized lately how easy it is for someone to just.. lose contact with me. Sometimes weeks go by before I even talk to someone I once considered such a good friend, and on some level that's fine, things happen, But then I realize what friendship meant so much to me.. means a lot less to you.. and eventually our friendship is reduced to me passing over your name on Aim when I go to see who's on... hardly considering even saying hi. This makes me sad that I've lost the friendship but at the same time... Phone works both ways you know...
I used to really trust people.. especially furs but lately.. I don't know who to trust.. or even who my real friends are.. I get so paranoid now... thinking if you consider our friendship on the same level that I do.. Do my opinions mean as much as yours do to me? Do you care enough to keep that contact up even if it takes more effort? sometimes.. I just don't know.. and sometimes it makes me really depressed to think about
I'm not really sure where this is all coming from. But since I've been back at school I haven't been feeling like myself. Hell Freshman year I fucking loved this place... I hated even calling home to hear my old life...to even being reminded about home made me mad. I mean I still love school and stuff and I can't believe I'm already half way through a music degree. Wow. In less than two years I'll be considered a real elite musician, someone who is respected through the hard work and dedication I put through my horn each.. and every day I'll look at that degree knowing everything I went through was worth it..I feel as though now I'm a great musician (music is something I'm not self conscious in at all) but the paper to prove it will really show more than what I just tell you, and I'll think about all the people and friends I made through it. But being back this year is.. bitter sweet, at some level I feel like I've lost a lot of connections I used to have here... just lacking interest in people who don't share the furry passion like me...and I feel as though that attitude is expressed when I've been hanging out with them lately. I feel as though they can see me distancing myself from them as furry soon becomes more and more of my life. It's pathetic really.
I do feel as though my interests have really changed. Hell freshman year all I could think about was paying for cover at bars and if I had enough money to buy a handle of rum for this weekend.. Now I think about do I have enough to get more commissions or do I have enough to pay for my room at ETC con. My interests have shifted so much and I feel as though it's for the better. I'll never regret furry. I'll never regret the friends and even the enemies I've made. and Yes there are a few... through my doing or theirs it's happened a few times in the last few years. But I know I'm better off without each and every one of them so it really doesn't matter who started it or who did what.. now we don't talk.. so the reason is so trivial now. I've just been thinking a lot about my true friends, people who I can say with no stutter that they are my true friends and that feeling can't be replaced.
I'm not really sure if your going to be able to see what I'm trying to get at? My goal isn't to tell anyone"U BAD FRIEND WTFF" but it's to show what a real friend means to me and why I do the things I do.. Most based around the paranoia I have around trust. I really hope to not offend people. But these are things I've been feeling for a long time. Basic trust issues I've had with a lot of people.. Being bitter about being lied to so many times by people I once considered so close and above all, my feelings towards a lot of people and what they mean to me, that I just don't feel back.
---
Also I've been considering a lot about the colors on this site (mostly as I typed this) Really? Really FA there are NO other colors, NO OTHER colors you could have possibly chosen for a background color "MMMMM lets get the only two colors that have never been used ever for anything and make those the ONLY options you have to choose from and that you have to stare at everyday... I mean.. there can't POSSIBLY be a reason why NO ONE has ever used them before right?"
I just feel as though both colors are horribly awful and can't possibly see a reason for them being chosen. Super dumb
Also if you just comment on this portion of the journal.. I'll probably just skip over it cause you clearly don't care enough about to read like.. two pages of text.
Edits: I didn't realize how long this was until I actually published it.
Also the amount of people who actually read my journals anyways? like 6.
More edits:
Also I want to say that this journal comes from a lot more points than bitterness. Yes I guess I am a bit bitter. But It also comes with how much I miss talking to a lot of people who I just feel.. have completely forgotten about me and how much I miss being their friend before things got complicated or just from.. a lack of interest.
People come and people go. But in the end, the way I feel is that you just have to let go when you reach out and get nothing. I've had quite a few "good friends" in the past that just faded away, people I knew for years just cutting contact. You may never forget them, but the hurt will eventually pass, and at the end of the day, having an awesome friend or two that's always there for you is all you really need.
Also, I know we're really only acquaintances, but I care about everyone I watch and read everything that ends up in my messages. Hang in there :D
The good news is that your true friends will always be there no matter what you are going through. If you have to change yourself to fit in or be friends with someone then they are not worth the effort.
Hope to see you at bowling this weekend!