Has anyone come to a point in their life, where pretty much every door one can take has been slammed shut in their face? To the point where, metaphorically speaking, the world has broken both their legs, amputated one of their arms and paralized the other from the shoulder to the wrist? To the point where, under every aspect and circumstance, the only real reason left to get out of the bed every morning simply falls upon the fact that time keeps on going regardless of how you feel, life keeps on living, and you're absolutely incapable one way or another of removing yourself from the circle of life?

Well the fact of the matter is...I'm there. I have no car (my Jeep broke down; won't shift, and found oil in the antifreeze. I can't afford to fix it, and can't afford the insurance, either), No Job, No money, no way to attend school, no permanent home, no way to get anywhere to look for a job, and pretty soon most likely no phone. I have no doors open to me that I can see that will improve my current situation in the long run.

I have two options. Stay here in Maryland, living off/with my father, who barely makes enough to support himself and my little brother, Paul. Our rental home is in the middle of Union Bridge, aka Podunk Nowhere. There's nowhere within walking or biking distance that I could even apply to for a job, much less work at.

Or, hitch my wheels to my mother's train and head down to Florida. Where will we be staying? Where can I apply there? Can I attend school? Do I have to worry about if I'll have my phone tomorrow? Or any of the rest of the things that I own that I care about? Will I have to worry about where I'll sleep, finding new friends with my interests, and finding some way from point a to point b? All I can answer to all of these questions is "I have no fucking Idea." And, seeing as in the recent past all of my visits out into the great unknown have ended in utter failure, I really don't want to chose this option unless I have to until I can answer some of those questions for sure.

So here's my dilema. What should I do? I don't trust anyone anymore farther then I can throw them. And none of my family have done anything particularly noteworthy to say that I can rely on them for a whole lot.

I have nowhere to turn. I have nothing I can realy do. I don't believe in the religion I was raised on anymore, so I can't even pray. I have no hope; I lost that five months ago when I came back here from the rainy city. I sometimes wish that I just won't wake up and see tomorrow...because at least then my worries won't exist.

As I said in the title of this journal...I need help, but I have no voice to ask for it. I need assistance, but I have no way to signal or call out for it. I need advice, but I have no one left I trust enough to give it. I need a life...but my creator doth not pity me enough to lead me to it.