I know I've said before that I've calmed down, but now I just got riled up again by none other than my own father of all people. This life I have on here I keep the Great Wall of China between it and my real life, so when the recent feelings I got from news from  soline I had to shroud why I truly was upset. I put it up behind the fact that my best friend was leaving for college life. But he's not that far away and is going to come back every other weekend, so I didn't get that emotional over it. I have a lot of theories on what's wrong with me, mainly mentally and based off of just speculation. There are things I know I am, pessimistic, paranoia, and I'm sure, deep down, mildly depressed. Then there's other things I'm sure that I have, being separation anxiety, bi-polar, and split personality disorder. I know this just sounds me listing all of my woes and issues, but I've been letting all of this pile up for so long and I need to get them off my chest.

I usually just take all of the hits and roll with the punches, like my fursona does, but one of these days I just know I'm going to snap. I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. Just what I'm going to say and when I'm going to do it, but they all just get stored in the back and I never say them at all. I'm just scared of what's going to happen when and if I do, of what's going to happen if what I do here is discovered...I'm afraid of the world. I have horrible time management skills, I'm a lazy, procrastinating bastard, and my own worst enemy is my guilt. I beat myself up more than anyone else could in a life time, and yet my dad constantly goes on putting me through guilt trips and uses them to make me feel bad, all in the hopes that it'll make me a better person. Massive *Bleep*ing help that is. I do one little thing wrong and he's always on me for it.

What just fuels my fears that despite I'm a clone of my father look-wise, we share almost nothing in common other than our taste in music and sense of humor. He's a car guy, I don't know a damn thing about them; he enjoys the outdoors, I'm content to stay inside; he was social and tried to make friends, I'm an anti-social clam who just wants to be left alone. Yet my brother shares all of these traits with him, most of them anyway, but he's been getting to be an even bigger pain in the ass lately with his general attitude. Always arguing, always taking the other side of a conversation just to piss me off...I just want to get as far away from him as possible.

On top of all of this is my horrible luck. In video games and life, luck has always been a thorn in my side, a tormentor. My philosophy is that Fate is the one who sets up the course of your life, putting set obstacles in the way at set times in your life to test who you are and what you believe in. Then luck comes along and is a total a-hole who makes the obstacles nearly impossible to get around and seeks enjoyment out of suffering.

I'm tired of all of this, I want to change myself but I don't know where to start or how to go about doing it. All I know is that somewhere I need to change, whether it be on the inside or out. But just how many things I beat myself up for...it's too much. Every little flaw, every little mistake that I make. I mean, it makes me second-guess everything, including this very journal. My thought process was 'Oh don't write it, nobody's going to care or bother reading about your problems.' But I have to force myself to think otherwise, and believe in my friends that they care that much for me, enough to read several paragraphs of me complaining about my life and my problems, and so if you actually do read all of this than I can't thank you enough.

I don't care what they say about instant gratification and how you'll never fully appreciate it. If I were to wake up and find my dream had come true I would cherish every moment of it and live it to the fullest. I have so many things that I want to do...I doubt myself that I'll be able to accomplish them all, but I want to try. I know I said that I was getting better...but right now and for a very long time I've had the mindset of a 50's housewife in America. I hide my dispositions and just put them aside in the hopes that I can make every one of my friends happy, and even now that I address the problem and say it flat out I know that aspect of me won't change a bit. Now I should probably get some sleep before I pass out and get some sleep. Have a nice day/afternoon/evening everyone.