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sometimes, I
14 years ago
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wonder why I even bother.
its as though I wear a shirt that tells everyone IRL to ignore me and what I have to say. I'm tired of being literally walked on/into and that glazed expression people take on when I try to contribute to a discussion. its alienating to a point where my room has become a prison of self created securities; the only place I feel that I can go without feeling incredibly lonely- despite being in a constant state of solitude. some days, I can't even face my own family without feeling as though I'm incredibly homesick for some impossibly far place.
and I apologize for leaving more emotional wangst. it's just 4:21 AM, I can never sleep while in the midst of mania, and I have no one to talk to. my mind is all over the place and I have the chorus of Crooked Teeth by Deathcab for Cutie stuck on a permanent loop in my head.
its as though I wear a shirt that tells everyone IRL to ignore me and what I have to say. I'm tired of being literally walked on/into and that glazed expression people take on when I try to contribute to a discussion. its alienating to a point where my room has become a prison of self created securities; the only place I feel that I can go without feeling incredibly lonely- despite being in a constant state of solitude. some days, I can't even face my own family without feeling as though I'm incredibly homesick for some impossibly far place.
and I apologize for leaving more emotional wangst. it's just 4:21 AM, I can never sleep while in the midst of mania, and I have no one to talk to. my mind is all over the place and I have the chorus of Crooked Teeth by Deathcab for Cutie stuck on a permanent loop in my head.
And then I just moved away.
It makes me wish you lived around here, I'd definitely drag you all over the place, and you could fucking talk about what ever, and I'd probably like to hear it, even though it might be way over my head, since I am not very much of a intelligent conversationalist, it'd be all gravy anyway. I hope you sleep soon, staying up isolated sucks ass...cause I do it all the time.
Its 6 am here..... I'm not even sure why I force myself up this late, I just find myself here, if it were not for the music, I would surely have gone insane long ago. Sleeping pills, here I come!!
are you me
New situations and with them, new people will come who will give you and your ideas and your feelings the respect that you deserve.
And yeah, families can be strangers from time to time, that has to be expected ;/.
Also Chris said it well: Working out is a sweet thing.
It is a paying hobby where you can grow and see the achievements, it eliminates annoying stuff like back pain or weakness, gives you control over yourself and a better feeling in your skin. Also a better regulation of different hormones like stress hormones and sleeping hormones. (if you are at beginners level with sports and such, here's a free book with very little bullshit, helped me out a lot: http://brainoverbrawn.com/get-the-book/)
Then I read the body of the journal and was sad, cause you know, I always listened and loved talking to you, but I know it's not the same. Sitting in a room, talking over text, isn't the same as me being there, excited and loving to talk with you and help you feel better like I used to do in the old days, even if it was over text. But I know the feeling, I was ignored by everyone, all my so-called friends forgot about me in short order the moment I was no longer in high school, just to find, they talked ill of me behind my back. My parents called my room my cave, cause I rarely left it, but I felt, it was a cage, the walls there, keeping me in, the world out, but it was claustrophobic some days, more so towards the end as i grew older, and had less and less friends in my life, in RL or online.
You with getting a life and us just losing contact as we seemed to have less and less to talk about, Eden, well, being Eden and our past you know well, me just watching as slowly friends and people I cared for slipped away. I never wanted to leave my room, just be there, and feel safe, even knowing, I was in a cage, and was slowly dying it felt like. Like even at home, I longed for a far away place to be, that I felt truly safe and happy. I had everything I needed there, but it was a prison, and I rather be out, starving in the wastelands of life, struggling, than safe in a vault, well fed, well taken care of, the place at a constant 75 degrees.
You know dude, I have always been here and at least, truly understood your feelings in some way, and that is why, I took your venture to the world the hardest of anyone, and still long the most to talk with you even half as much as we used to.
Also, sleep please! If angsty, write everything down! Face it down! Then sleep! Please!
but yeah, I've been there before too, while looking at camping gear and all.
the gear serves only as a superficial form of placation.