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"Magical" Friendship- and the lack thereof.
14 years ago
For a long time, I was pretty happy. I didn't take a lot of time to make friends, and I never had a lot of time to hang out, anyways. Truth be told, I hated most of the insipid bastards I met in school, and the thought of having to spend any of my free time with others like that made me physically ill. I wasn't pretty enough, or possessed of the level of vapid self worship that creates "popularity" in the amounts necessary to attract social butterflies.
But it didn't matter, because I had a select few friends, whom I spent the entirety of my free time with. We weren't necessarily interested in the same things, but we enjoyed each other's company, as I've been told is the common way of things out there in the cold world. I have people I know, people whom I call friends today, but so far, none at the level that myself and that small group (we're talking like 3, here) enjoyed for about 21 years.
I had a best friend for 21 years. Then, one day, he was simply gone. There were a few small gulfs that emerged during our "time", but they were relatively short lived. I was there when he was married, his best man. I was there when his father died. I rushed to his house to take the gun from him when he called me and told me he was thinking of "ending it all" one night. Whenever the phone would ring, and he was on it, I would immediately give him my attention. No matter what.
Very long story short, one day he just decided he didn't want to talk anymore. From the best I can ascertain, his feeling is that since making friends is easy for him, that they are a relatively disposable resource, and he didn't see any continuing benefit to "keeping" me. So, no explanation, no goodbye, just doesn't answer the phone anymore when he sees my number come up, and that's that.
When my father died last year, he reached a palsied hand of friendship to me, and told me that he "wanted to start over". That lasted about 2 months, during which I was able to get ahold of him on the phone exactly twice. I helped his (separated) wife secure their divorce during that time, making sure I got him into the office to get the papers signed and filed. We went out to lunch once as a group, with his new girlfriend, who made quite the impression on me with her apparently vindictive and judgmental ways. Frankly, she gave me the impression she's a bitch. Sorry… Super Bitch.
After that, he answered one of the 26 calls I made over a period of 4 months- he never returned any messages. Then, I finally gave up on calling. He once made the excuse that he was "super busy- all the time", but apparently that doesn't keep him from ferrying another of our friends around, who also now suddenly no longer talks to me.
My problem is, I can't seem to let those "salad days" fade away. I want desperately to revive something that ought not be revived. I keep telling myself that the person I knew and loved like a brother is gone, replaced by some grim doppleganger, a shade. The man I called "brother" is gone, because he could only exist where he was being supported by his parents, and their business. He didn't know anything else, and when his dad died, and his mum and her new hubby destroyed the business with one bad decision after another, it killed him. So my best friend is gone. All that is left is a memory, because the face he showed me every day was apparently just the well crafted mask of a USER.
Which brings me to the Now: What am I doing wrong? I just can't seem to hold anyone's interest as a friend, and it bothers me terribly. I know that I pretty much come off like Jack Bauer when people meet me, but is that so bad? He's a nice guy… He and I just have… unique skills. I'll admit I'm a little intense on the outside, but I'm actually really soft on the inside, and now, it turns out I've become a Brony, too. I wonder if Kieffer watches MLP… Hmm. I should ask him. We could hang out, and trade Winter Wrap Up remixes.
The best part about the pony t shirts is watching people react to a (glistening, bear-like, as my boss recently referred to me) man wearing a Twilight Sparkle shirt. I look like a smaller Butterbean, just not quite that heavy. But I AM huggable- promise!
Sigh… So lonely.
But it didn't matter, because I had a select few friends, whom I spent the entirety of my free time with. We weren't necessarily interested in the same things, but we enjoyed each other's company, as I've been told is the common way of things out there in the cold world. I have people I know, people whom I call friends today, but so far, none at the level that myself and that small group (we're talking like 3, here) enjoyed for about 21 years.
I had a best friend for 21 years. Then, one day, he was simply gone. There were a few small gulfs that emerged during our "time", but they were relatively short lived. I was there when he was married, his best man. I was there when his father died. I rushed to his house to take the gun from him when he called me and told me he was thinking of "ending it all" one night. Whenever the phone would ring, and he was on it, I would immediately give him my attention. No matter what.
Very long story short, one day he just decided he didn't want to talk anymore. From the best I can ascertain, his feeling is that since making friends is easy for him, that they are a relatively disposable resource, and he didn't see any continuing benefit to "keeping" me. So, no explanation, no goodbye, just doesn't answer the phone anymore when he sees my number come up, and that's that.
When my father died last year, he reached a palsied hand of friendship to me, and told me that he "wanted to start over". That lasted about 2 months, during which I was able to get ahold of him on the phone exactly twice. I helped his (separated) wife secure their divorce during that time, making sure I got him into the office to get the papers signed and filed. We went out to lunch once as a group, with his new girlfriend, who made quite the impression on me with her apparently vindictive and judgmental ways. Frankly, she gave me the impression she's a bitch. Sorry… Super Bitch.
After that, he answered one of the 26 calls I made over a period of 4 months- he never returned any messages. Then, I finally gave up on calling. He once made the excuse that he was "super busy- all the time", but apparently that doesn't keep him from ferrying another of our friends around, who also now suddenly no longer talks to me.
My problem is, I can't seem to let those "salad days" fade away. I want desperately to revive something that ought not be revived. I keep telling myself that the person I knew and loved like a brother is gone, replaced by some grim doppleganger, a shade. The man I called "brother" is gone, because he could only exist where he was being supported by his parents, and their business. He didn't know anything else, and when his dad died, and his mum and her new hubby destroyed the business with one bad decision after another, it killed him. So my best friend is gone. All that is left is a memory, because the face he showed me every day was apparently just the well crafted mask of a USER.
Which brings me to the Now: What am I doing wrong? I just can't seem to hold anyone's interest as a friend, and it bothers me terribly. I know that I pretty much come off like Jack Bauer when people meet me, but is that so bad? He's a nice guy… He and I just have… unique skills. I'll admit I'm a little intense on the outside, but I'm actually really soft on the inside, and now, it turns out I've become a Brony, too. I wonder if Kieffer watches MLP… Hmm. I should ask him. We could hang out, and trade Winter Wrap Up remixes.
The best part about the pony t shirts is watching people react to a (glistening, bear-like, as my boss recently referred to me) man wearing a Twilight Sparkle shirt. I look like a smaller Butterbean, just not quite that heavy. But I AM huggable- promise!
Sigh… So lonely.
personally, i'd like to be a friend. unfortunately, every time i say that someone gets the idea that im a creeper >.>
I'm no expert though, since I can't really lay claim to a close circle of friends outside of the internet either.
You seem to be hinting at your size a lot. There's some pudge on your sona in your pictures, but what are you really like?
I really enjoy what time we get to hang out and do things, but its not the same as when I used to have local friends. Quite often, we would just show up at each other's houses. We lived right next door, so to speak, and the two homes would almost become one.
I have to drive 60 minutes to get to your place, so it becomes a trip rather than a visit. Everything has to be planned, I can't afford to just stop by for a few minutes, because its such a long way- and about to become even longer.
I miss having someone nearby I can grab a bite to eat with, go to a movie, pick through the flea market, or take a trip to Tampa to go to the buffet. I was looking forward to maybe doing those kind of things when I built my new house nearby.
I'm all alone every ordinary day. No one just calls, no one shows up just to see me (unless they want something fixed). I have to go out and seek others to spend time with. I have to IMPOSE myself on them, and that's the part I don't like.
Its as if my presence has no real value, just cost for everyone else. I feel as if I'm taking everyone's time, just by being there, rather than sharing. Its the only thing I can think of, the only reason I'm left like this. The most telling clue of all of this can be seen just by looking down at my phone: No calls received. They're all calls out.
Please don't take this as a reflection of how I feel about you guys, TB. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, just as I do, and I'm not begging for attention from my new friends. You have far too much to worry about right now to have me whining at your doorstep. I was just calling to say hi. No one else answers their phone when I call.
But yes, I wasn't kidding when I said I would of given you a huge ass hug if I knew you were at Megaplex.
I will be leaving out most of the little stairs around the house for the critters, though… I've had my fill of critters in my houses.
It's not easy making RL friends, have lived in SW Florida for 7 years now and it's been a crazy adventure trying to meet people. Especially being in a LTR and a 30-something, a smoker, a drinker, a dark-humored thinker...
I feel for you, believe me. Maybe my friends just found me too depressing. I was kind of the Eeyore of the group, so much they said so all the time. But it was accepted, and despite the occasional rainy day, I am actually an optimist, not a fatalist. In the end, I fell victim to typecasting, it seems.
You seem like an intelligent and open guy. Problem is, sometimes average people don't know how to interact with people who aren't average too. That's the more cynical and narcissistic answer -- the less would be that sometimes people just don't click and this person didn't know how to express that to you without perceiving himself as potentially hurtful. He's coming off as a user it seems, so that might not be it either. You've been there for him, after all, and he's tried to be there for you it seems, but if there's a compatibility issue there's little you can do.