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With your feet in the air and your head on the ground...
14 years ago
I just feel like posting something... anything, rather than spend another month with a closed commission journal sitting there, like there's nothing else on my mind but money. If you're not one for reading about the goings on in someone's head, it might be best if you close the window now, cuz I'm gonna blather for a bit.
Been reflecting, as usual whenever I get a little bit of time to sit around on my own. I think, therefore, I am.... and I am probably thinking too much. But rarely is it ever something directed, focused, and productive. It's more of a lazy cycle. Thought A leads to B leads to X to Y to Z to A to B. Running rings around a slumbering giant. And once again, I ponder change.
I like to reflect on the past, to look back to see how far I've come. I've become so different over the years. From quiet to loud, shy to confident, cold and unfeeling to searing hot and barely contained. And the weird thing about that is... I still feel like I'm the same person looking out through these eyes, y'know? Like, for example, before I hit the fandom, I was very shy, and had no presence on those around me. I was just there. Fly on the wall. I still perceive the world from that mindset, and it rarely ever occurs to me the effect I have on people at all. It takes effort for me to see that anyone's lives are any different for my existence, that my art has changed anyone's day, or that I'm looked up to by people, even when I'm talking to those people very people and they're telling me this to my face at the time.
Now, I've always had confidence issues. It's part of the reason my commission list is so damned long. It rarely clicks that most people dig what I do, more like I hear the criticisms in my head when I move pen across paper. The lines need to slip between "whoa, anatomy failure" and "pshhh, I could draw better than him". Every picture is a map of a battlefield. Every stroke tainted with a little bit of fear of disappointment. Every pic I post bears with it that little bit of exhaustion and tired triumph over the fact that it got done at all. And yet, there's really no reason for me to be scared at all. No reason for every picture to become a fight. You guys have supported me all along with your kind comments and plentiful faves and watches. I have no reason at all to hesitate like I always do before my pencil hits the paper.
It's probably normal. I just -know- I'm not isolated in my little fears. That I'm not the only one who has to muster a bunch of willpower before I do what I do best. It's... just another little thing to add to the big ol' pile of less-than-optimal conditions in my head. If I could afford psychiactric help, and had the time for it, I'd probably get in some couch time. Get a mental tune-up, y'know? Hell, I could probably use a physical tune-up as well, come to think of it. My right ankle's been fucked up for a while now, constant minor headaches, stress reactions, sore necks, the cough I've had for years, ect, ect.
Man, I could use a vacation.
Just need one little lottery win, y'know? Get out of the call center, finish the commissions, call up some professionals, take a few months to just get better, fix the damage, get healthy, get some muscle definition and meditation. Don't worry about money for a little bit. Rehab for mind, body and soul.
But hey, lottery wins are rare (and probably for the best. I'd commission everyone until you all haaaaaaaate me!) and only a fool puts all his chips in on one disgustingly rare chance. Plus it's an easy way to fuck up your life if you're not careful (Though I'd use it to get a nice house, sensible car, and start up my own studio at some point). So, I look at the more likely scenario; the hard way. Work through it. Struggle, pain..... probably permanent damage. I'm already starting to get white hairs and I'm not even 30 yet.
Strangely, that doesn't terrify me as much as I expected. The concept of falling apart, never being quite whole again. Aging, breaking down, decaying, going insane. And I don't know why it doesn't scare me as much as it used to. Nor does it scare me that I'm not scared of falling apart. I think I'm starting to see things less as wounds and more like honorable battle scars, earned through good deeds, proof that I never gave up, like well-worn shoes.
This....feels like it's probably a good thing.
Gawd I forgot how much I enjoy writing journals like this. Breaks me out out of the cycle, gives me focus. Sets my eyes on new things to be discovered.
So yeah, um.... yeah. go go morbid journal!
COMMISSIONS
1/ Aryte (repencilling for epic win)
2/ Karmakat x2 (inking first)
3/ Darkshift (restarting)
4/ Dantekat (Pencilling)
5/ Rogern x2 (part 1 pencilled)
6/ 9Lion (pencilled, plus one other)
7/ Mechaman
8/ Chazore x3
9 Suntatoowolf
10/ Artica
11/ Sandalf
12/ Kcravenyote
13/ Roaming_Shadow
14/ daswuetend
15/ xilimyth
16/ yutrah
Been reflecting, as usual whenever I get a little bit of time to sit around on my own. I think, therefore, I am.... and I am probably thinking too much. But rarely is it ever something directed, focused, and productive. It's more of a lazy cycle. Thought A leads to B leads to X to Y to Z to A to B. Running rings around a slumbering giant. And once again, I ponder change.
I like to reflect on the past, to look back to see how far I've come. I've become so different over the years. From quiet to loud, shy to confident, cold and unfeeling to searing hot and barely contained. And the weird thing about that is... I still feel like I'm the same person looking out through these eyes, y'know? Like, for example, before I hit the fandom, I was very shy, and had no presence on those around me. I was just there. Fly on the wall. I still perceive the world from that mindset, and it rarely ever occurs to me the effect I have on people at all. It takes effort for me to see that anyone's lives are any different for my existence, that my art has changed anyone's day, or that I'm looked up to by people, even when I'm talking to those people very people and they're telling me this to my face at the time.
Now, I've always had confidence issues. It's part of the reason my commission list is so damned long. It rarely clicks that most people dig what I do, more like I hear the criticisms in my head when I move pen across paper. The lines need to slip between "whoa, anatomy failure" and "pshhh, I could draw better than him". Every picture is a map of a battlefield. Every stroke tainted with a little bit of fear of disappointment. Every pic I post bears with it that little bit of exhaustion and tired triumph over the fact that it got done at all. And yet, there's really no reason for me to be scared at all. No reason for every picture to become a fight. You guys have supported me all along with your kind comments and plentiful faves and watches. I have no reason at all to hesitate like I always do before my pencil hits the paper.
It's probably normal. I just -know- I'm not isolated in my little fears. That I'm not the only one who has to muster a bunch of willpower before I do what I do best. It's... just another little thing to add to the big ol' pile of less-than-optimal conditions in my head. If I could afford psychiactric help, and had the time for it, I'd probably get in some couch time. Get a mental tune-up, y'know? Hell, I could probably use a physical tune-up as well, come to think of it. My right ankle's been fucked up for a while now, constant minor headaches, stress reactions, sore necks, the cough I've had for years, ect, ect.
Man, I could use a vacation.
Just need one little lottery win, y'know? Get out of the call center, finish the commissions, call up some professionals, take a few months to just get better, fix the damage, get healthy, get some muscle definition and meditation. Don't worry about money for a little bit. Rehab for mind, body and soul.
But hey, lottery wins are rare (and probably for the best. I'd commission everyone until you all haaaaaaaate me!) and only a fool puts all his chips in on one disgustingly rare chance. Plus it's an easy way to fuck up your life if you're not careful (Though I'd use it to get a nice house, sensible car, and start up my own studio at some point). So, I look at the more likely scenario; the hard way. Work through it. Struggle, pain..... probably permanent damage. I'm already starting to get white hairs and I'm not even 30 yet.
Strangely, that doesn't terrify me as much as I expected. The concept of falling apart, never being quite whole again. Aging, breaking down, decaying, going insane. And I don't know why it doesn't scare me as much as it used to. Nor does it scare me that I'm not scared of falling apart. I think I'm starting to see things less as wounds and more like honorable battle scars, earned through good deeds, proof that I never gave up, like well-worn shoes.
This....feels like it's probably a good thing.
Gawd I forgot how much I enjoy writing journals like this. Breaks me out out of the cycle, gives me focus. Sets my eyes on new things to be discovered.
So yeah, um.... yeah. go go morbid journal!
COMMISSIONS
1/ Aryte (repencilling for epic win)
2/ Karmakat x2 (inking first)
3/ Darkshift (restarting)
4/ Dantekat (Pencilling)
5/ Rogern x2 (part 1 pencilled)
6/ 9Lion (pencilled, plus one other)
7/ Mechaman
8/ Chazore x3
9 Suntatoowolf
10/ Artica
11/ Sandalf
12/ Kcravenyote
13/ Roaming_Shadow
14/ daswuetend
15/ xilimyth
16/ yutrah
After so much pain as most of us go through, compared to those few lottery 'winners', who's really better off? Food for thought.
Many, many artists on FA don't value themselves as much as they deserve, but you're the LAST person I'd have suspected of confidence issues. I have rarely seen comics-style art of your caliber in my life (I repeat, even in high-end, print comic books).
Your anatomy is unusually pleasing/consistent. Your colors and lighting are invariably gorgeous and top notch. Your details are dexterous and consistently show an excellent eye for composition. Your facial expressions show unique depth of personality in every character. You can handle complex action shots, weird lighting, interesting backgrounds, realistic weather conditions ...
And on top of all that, much of your work is profound, moving, and inspirational.
*shrug* one more compliment post to throw on the heap. I'm sure you've received millions. Good luck to you in all endeavors.
Nothing comes easy, no matter what road we take.
As it stands things are still a struggle because of a lack of confidence. That too has been changing bit by bit but there is that nagging voice always telling me I won't be good enough. Not sure that will ever go away completely.
Or mix music.. just something away from drawing explore your talents
-didn't even read the journal- :'D
Then on the flip-side, I begin comparing myself to other artists against my lack of better common sense to not do so. Telling myself "Oh, I can do that, easy!" And then I never really do it.
I relate to you, profoundly about building enough will power to force myself to draw. The awareness that we don't need to hold ourselves back for trivial reasons. I think the best thing you can do, is just draw. Just do it. Make it quick and dirty. Take notes on the paper, don't give a fuck on how it looks and just post it up. Then take a break, don't look at it for a day, come back and analyze what you can correct for the next time you draw. Turn that anxiety of having something worth posting into something positive. Don't do it alone. Have us help, comment, give feedback. That communication and relaying between those ideas will be much more fun and less stressful.
You're still a human, you're still an artist. There's no easy way out to get to the point where you are now. And it's good that you desire more from yourself. I think all of us do. We want to keep on growing and developing. You're exceptional already, but from your eyes, you see yourself in the low ground. Okay, okay I might be assuming too much, my bad.
Damn, what a long comment. You brought out my own thoughts. You've affected me. I've talked with you before, for hours at a time about philosophy of the afterlife and other such things, and you changed how I viewed life. You have impacted me, and I have looked up to you as an inspiration of mine. You still are, even though I don't vocalize it often enough.
Thank you, Strype. For putting this all out.
But in all seriousness, if you ever feel like a change of scenery, give me a heads up and i'll see when i can squeak some free time in to give you guys a break and a little vacation. It was great running into you this weekend! Can't wait to see you guys at MFF! Take care, and keep in touch!
~Lisky
Everyone tends to feel that their inner turmoil is more apparent to others then it really is, the illusion of transparency. What you go through with your art is a more visceral example of it. Your skill, what you create, speaks for itself. That is what others see. For you though, art is about the process not the result, and you struggle with it. Others do not see or experience the process though, hence the gap between how others perceive you as an artist and how you perceive yourself.
Closing that gap is essentially all on you unfortunately. There's not much others can do besides cheer you on from the other side, but I don't think you need worry about your fans quieting anytime soon! ;)
If you feel those voices are there to break you down, they may be there to help you make something you can take pride in upon the completed peice, personal perfection perhaps? If you think meditative time will help, I do believe they say one can do so where-ever they like and I'm sure someone on here can give advice on slipping away to that fabled 'happy place'
I wish you good fortune in seeking the same elusive traits I seek myself, but always remember that you will always have those closest to you for support, and you will know who those people are for they are the ones you would turn too if you needed some place to crash or would call brother or sister
In a few years, I'll have a house down here. You are free to come and go as you please if you need a place to escape. I'm still here on your side, and I still will always look up to you. If there's anything I could do to assist you with please let me know.
Stormy.
As a musician I feel the same way, but reading this gave me some hope. Thanks ;)
Just thought I'd prove to ya that you're not alone
... and no, not THAT spice. Ya know, the one that must flow.
This is very much how I see me and my art, but I am so not confidant and so shy. I can't even draw a stick figure without scribbling it out and giving up. :<
I just wanted to pitch in that I really understand about each image you work on for someone else being like a massive struggle. It's a big deal to me too. I sit down every time I have "problem" commissions, ones that feel so damn challenging and daunting, and I swear sometimes I stress so damn much about small things that other people who look at it don't even notice! That's us being overly critical and under-confident. Always second guessing ourselves, always wondering "is this my best? what if they think it isn't? Oh god I'd better redo this bit again..." and so on. So you aren't alone, I think a lot of the quieter and more under-confident artists on FA are the same. I really wish I was one of the egotistical louder ones that handed out commissions left right and centre in a matter of hours because they just don't worry anymore. I try to force my confidence, but I never change. I hate it.... I want to be happy and outgoing and always stream for people and chat to everyone but I am too shy x_x;;
I've lost my passion for art so working on art for others is even more draining and stressful at the moment. I feel like I also need time out, for a while, not just a week or something. I am so tired, so burned out and so bummed out that I just feel like maybe art isn't for me anymore... but I really need to take what I can get to eat which is why I am stuck in this cycle.
I haven't had formal training either, though I do have an Art Diploma. Seriously that's worth about as much as a piece of toilet paper. XD
Anyways! Sorry. Rambling. I hope you can seriously get in some relaxation and recuperation time for yourself. I believe it's necessary in order to stop yourself going insane sometimes. If you're long overdue like I am, definitely take any chance you can get.
Do you want us to talk about?
If you want to rest, do not hesitate.
I can relate about the changing thing though. I used to be cautious and more afraid. Now I have a lot more confidence and I get bored easily. It's weird, I'm less impulsive but I really want to do crazy things sometimes. I just don't really know what those things are. White-water rafting probably.
It stops being a hobby or a 'sometimes' thing, and becomes work. It -has- to be done, all day, every day. And for art at this quality, that would be a fucking crime, in my opinion.
My girlfriend is another artist who really lacks confidence in their art. She's only 17, but for her age, in my opinion, she's a brilliant artist with a long time ahead to get even better. But she hardly draws, especially lately, because of lack of confidence. In her head, everything she draws isn't good enough. It's always flawed, even if she can't see what the flaws are. It's always wrong to her. I find it really sad when artists have this issue, especially if they're talented artists. Overcoming that lack of confidence is where it all starts, though, and it looks like you've seen that. Once an artist can overcome their lack of confidence and actually learn to see their art as art, and not their art, they can truly enjoy making art and will be able to really improve in it.
Just a bit of random rambling, I suppose.