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The drama. Oh the Fucking DRAMA!!
14 years ago
General
Fucking hell.
I need to vent a little about the ugly turn my life has taken recently.
About two months ago I got in touch with the sister of an old high school mate. We've gotten along in the past but we got to being pretty good friends now that she lives in my town. But the thing is, she had a boyfriend who's a pretty scary control freak. He has to know everything she's doing, at all times, and who she's doing it with. And he's both abusive, scary and cheats around more than a little. She's tried to break up with him multiple times but the guy just doesn't go away.
So when he finds out about me, he predictably doesn't take it very well. He started asking her about me, then accusing her of cheating on him with me, all because I somehow came into her life. There was one night when I came by to say hello to her, and he was there with her. The atmosphere was too say the least a bit awkward. After a while I started to head home, and she said she had to ttake a smoke. Outside she told me he was in a very bad mood and if things got real bad, she'd run to my place (I lived like 4 minutes away by foot), and I said I'd keep the door unlocked for her. I stayed up till 2.30 AM that night, worried as hell about her.
Next morning, a saturday, she hadn't shown up or called, so I sent her an sms to check up on her. Not 5 minutes later I get an sms back, but it basically said "What the fuck do you want with my girl?!!!" and I realized it was *him*. HE'D answered HER cellphone. I was torn what to do then, and before I could decide n a course of action, he sent another message, asking if maybe he should come over to me so we could "talk about it", and he mentioned my adress!! HE FUCKING KNEW WHERE I LIVED!! It fucking hurt, but I decided to stay away for the time being, because me showing up then and there would probably have sent him sky high. Thankfully it worked out, but I was so worried about her.
Then, about three weeks ago he did something horrible that convinced her that she just couldn't be around this nutcase anymore, and she asked me to help her move without her boyfriend finding out about it, and I agreed to help.
Two days later I was invited over to her parent's place, which I accepted (her folks are great people), but later, when she and I were walking home, the boyfriend calls and says he's at her place, wondering where she is. And he was actully *inside* her apartment, which freaked her out because she hadn't given him a key. Turns out he'd gone to a friend of hers, who *had* a spare key to her place, and somehow scared her enough to give it to him, then let himself in.
And somehow he found out about her moving (I don't know how), and a few days before we were supposed to move, he came to my house! Yeah, he showed up at my doorstep while walking her dog! Now, I'm a diplomatic person, and I managed to talk around him a bit and he left peacefully, but the whole episode freaked me out more than a little.
So we postponed the move to one day later when she knew he'd be back home (he lives in another city), but when her parents show up with the U-Haul trailer, her mom notices after a hile that there's a guy sitting in a car on the parking lot, with the window down and his arm out, listening to pretty loud music, and she thinks this guy might be a spy for the boyfriend! Taking this as a possibility, I suggest that we take a turnabout route with both cars and see if the guy follows us. It turns out he didn't, so he probably wasn't a spy, but her mom wouldn't have put it past this guy.
So now she's been in her new place about a week, which is really nice, and her mom called me a few minutes ago and told me she'd gotten like THIRTY messages on her homephone from the guy, one of which mentioning how he'd hit his own mom!! Her mom is frankly losing hope, because this guy is a bullying as hell and my friend has been unable to stand up to him before. Once her mom hanged up I called my friend and told her to unplug the homephone and discontinue the service, since she already has a cellphone and she can make do just fine with that. But since she's got a long subscription deal with her provider, terminating the number would be expensive, so I told her to just put the phone in one of her backpacks, throw it in the closet and leave it. She promised me she would , and I really hope she does.
Now, she's hopefully mostly safe, but the weak points in this little protection scheme is her other friend (who the boyfriend got/took the spare key from) who knows where she lives and her phone number, but who doesn't have a spare key.... And me, who has all three, and the guy knows where I live.
I am understandably a bit worried. I think I can take the guy in a straight fight (he's actually surprisingly small for a bully), but if he brings in friends, or if he vandalises my home... I'm a bit ashamed to say that I've found myself wondering how much this friendship with her is going to cost me.
I need to vent a little about the ugly turn my life has taken recently.
About two months ago I got in touch with the sister of an old high school mate. We've gotten along in the past but we got to being pretty good friends now that she lives in my town. But the thing is, she had a boyfriend who's a pretty scary control freak. He has to know everything she's doing, at all times, and who she's doing it with. And he's both abusive, scary and cheats around more than a little. She's tried to break up with him multiple times but the guy just doesn't go away.
So when he finds out about me, he predictably doesn't take it very well. He started asking her about me, then accusing her of cheating on him with me, all because I somehow came into her life. There was one night when I came by to say hello to her, and he was there with her. The atmosphere was too say the least a bit awkward. After a while I started to head home, and she said she had to ttake a smoke. Outside she told me he was in a very bad mood and if things got real bad, she'd run to my place (I lived like 4 minutes away by foot), and I said I'd keep the door unlocked for her. I stayed up till 2.30 AM that night, worried as hell about her.
Next morning, a saturday, she hadn't shown up or called, so I sent her an sms to check up on her. Not 5 minutes later I get an sms back, but it basically said "What the fuck do you want with my girl?!!!" and I realized it was *him*. HE'D answered HER cellphone. I was torn what to do then, and before I could decide n a course of action, he sent another message, asking if maybe he should come over to me so we could "talk about it", and he mentioned my adress!! HE FUCKING KNEW WHERE I LIVED!! It fucking hurt, but I decided to stay away for the time being, because me showing up then and there would probably have sent him sky high. Thankfully it worked out, but I was so worried about her.
Then, about three weeks ago he did something horrible that convinced her that she just couldn't be around this nutcase anymore, and she asked me to help her move without her boyfriend finding out about it, and I agreed to help.
Two days later I was invited over to her parent's place, which I accepted (her folks are great people), but later, when she and I were walking home, the boyfriend calls and says he's at her place, wondering where she is. And he was actully *inside* her apartment, which freaked her out because she hadn't given him a key. Turns out he'd gone to a friend of hers, who *had* a spare key to her place, and somehow scared her enough to give it to him, then let himself in.
And somehow he found out about her moving (I don't know how), and a few days before we were supposed to move, he came to my house! Yeah, he showed up at my doorstep while walking her dog! Now, I'm a diplomatic person, and I managed to talk around him a bit and he left peacefully, but the whole episode freaked me out more than a little.
So we postponed the move to one day later when she knew he'd be back home (he lives in another city), but when her parents show up with the U-Haul trailer, her mom notices after a hile that there's a guy sitting in a car on the parking lot, with the window down and his arm out, listening to pretty loud music, and she thinks this guy might be a spy for the boyfriend! Taking this as a possibility, I suggest that we take a turnabout route with both cars and see if the guy follows us. It turns out he didn't, so he probably wasn't a spy, but her mom wouldn't have put it past this guy.
So now she's been in her new place about a week, which is really nice, and her mom called me a few minutes ago and told me she'd gotten like THIRTY messages on her homephone from the guy, one of which mentioning how he'd hit his own mom!! Her mom is frankly losing hope, because this guy is a bullying as hell and my friend has been unable to stand up to him before. Once her mom hanged up I called my friend and told her to unplug the homephone and discontinue the service, since she already has a cellphone and she can make do just fine with that. But since she's got a long subscription deal with her provider, terminating the number would be expensive, so I told her to just put the phone in one of her backpacks, throw it in the closet and leave it. She promised me she would , and I really hope she does.
Now, she's hopefully mostly safe, but the weak points in this little protection scheme is her other friend (who the boyfriend got/took the spare key from) who knows where she lives and her phone number, but who doesn't have a spare key.... And me, who has all three, and the guy knows where I live.
I am understandably a bit worried. I think I can take the guy in a straight fight (he's actually surprisingly small for a bully), but if he brings in friends, or if he vandalises my home... I'm a bit ashamed to say that I've found myself wondering how much this friendship with her is going to cost me.
Varje gång jag hör om såna jävlar, så börjar mitt blod att koka.
Om jag inte vore kortvuxen och handikappad så skulle jag minsann ge honom ordentligt med stryk som Sonny gjorde i en av Gudfadern filmerna.
Såna här personer är riktiga lågliv som borde sitta i fängelse eller i ett mental sjukhus.
Men om han fortsätter, så bör din kompis anmäla honom.
Det har skett förändringar med lagen om stalking, vilket är det han gör, som gör att man kan få upp till fyra års fängelse.
Den där jäveln måste sluta annars så kommer det att sluta illa för honom.
Also: Excessive force applies in this situation. He would need to be able to inflict grievous harm for you to get away with shooting him.
Good luck with dealing with this tho
more practical solution: have your friend get a restraining order on that asshole.
I do hope things end will in all this and no one gets harmed.
Best of luck to Her and you.
I don't know how Swedish police operate, but here in the States cops are basically unwilling to act proactively to prevent these kinds of things from becoming violent. The most they'll do is arrest the douche for a night to "cool off" and advise the stalked to file restraining orders and such--which in some cases tends to only enrage them and escalate their behavior. The police do this mostly because of our sue-happy culture where departments have and can be sued for damn near anything, so they've been forced to take a "wait-and-see-if-it-gets-worse" approach before they actually do anything.
Still, calling the cops is a good start. In the event that things get worse, you'll at least have a report history built up showing that this crazy nutcase has displayed threatening and violent behavior on several occasions, and this can be a great help to you legally if you're forced to defend yourself. Get your friend to do the same whenever she has these encounters too.
Secondly, the actual defense of oneself. I don't know the laws that govern this thing in Sweden, but you might or may be able to find out a lot easier than I can. If either of you have legal access to any defensive measures--pepper spray/mace, stun guns or Tasers, expandable batons, and so forth--get them and make use of them if necessary where the law permits. The only goal in any self-defense encounter is to stop the attack, not "finish it". In most jurisdictions (U.S. or elsewhere) responding to aggression with more force than you're getting can land you in trouble, and this can be very difficult to remember in the heat of the conflict. The sooner you can stop the attack, the better off you'll be. Wimp's way out? Sure. Take it, and be glad you aren't facing the Twenty Questions game from the police as they're putting the cuffs on the nutball.
Thirdly, remember that you're dealing with a psychologically unbalanced individual. For whatever reason, he's chosen to spend a great deal of his time and energy to following and controlling every aspect of one specific person's life, seeking to isolate her from the rest of society through threats to her, her friends and family in an effort to force her to accept a relationship with him as an alternative. This is sometimes a sign or symptom of a mental disorder, as these type of people often are incapable of empathy but manage to be very good at manipulating the feelings of others (for some sick, twisted reason). He might be a pipsqueak, but he's still human, and coupled with his seemingly violent obsession towards a single person he is capable of virtually anything. You cannot guarantee that you can talk your way around him forever, or even predict what he might do in different situations. Start putting the police on instant-dial and file reports as necessary, find some method you can use to defend yourself if it comes to it, and be extra careful of your surroundings and daily life. Different routes to home/work each day, different routines about town, whatever it takes, but make it more difficult to find and track you. Your friend should do the same.
No one can guarantee that this will end well for anyone, but simply waiting for someone to come save you is wishful thinking at best and a fatal mistake at worst. Take whatever steps you think you need to--"hope for the best, plan for the worst", and such.
You might also want to keep this motto in mind: "The best revenge is living well."
I would agree that calling the authorities and reporting this fellow for harrassment of you as well as her is in order. If he already has a record of violence they may be able to take some action, and if he does not, then if it does come down to a fight he will not be able to blame you later saying you randomly attacked him. It will all be on record.
If you care about this girl, then yes, it is worth the risk, but that is no reason to not also take precautions and try to get rid of the guy before he actually does some damage. In truth, he may back down if he learns you are not going to take his shit...or he could beat the living crap out of you. But I think that your female friend needs to stand up for herself here more. You said she tried to get rid of him and he would not leave, but trust me when I say there are always things you can do if someone is in your house and you want them gone now...unless they have a knife or a gun and threatening you with bodily harm...in which case there are worse issues than previously stated.
Be sure your home is safe and secure. no doors that don't lock, no randomly open windows. You don't need to find this guy sitting in YOUR house when you get home one day. Also be sure to have something on hand in case he tries something before you speak with police. Mace is nice, or a taser. Or even a good length or wood or metal to club someone with near the door. A fireplace poker or baseball bat works wonders in backing people off.
Get her land line and cell phone numbers changed; don't let her cut herself off from contact. She might get in trouble or have an emergency, and then what? She also shouldn't have to live like that just because of some asshole who won't leave her alone. Also, tell that friend of hers who handed over the key before that she now lives somewhere else, and that her phones are off. Do NOT give that friend her real address or numbers. If they need to talk, they can meet up someplace, or your friend can call this other person from someplace safe, like her mother's house.
Talk to the police. We want you and her to be safe, but we can't DO anything. Let them know about the unwanted visit, and the harassment, and the problem with your friend, and let them handle this guy if they see him doing things he shouldn't have... which calling someone 30 times when they break up with you is definitely something they should want to investigate. If they slam his ass into a jail cell for a few days, and slap him with a restraining order, he might be less determined to keep this up.
To move towards more peaceful methods....The suggestion of a restraining order is sound, providing you and your friend's family can provide rock solid evidence that this man is a threat to her well being.
Pity, yesterday here in the UK, two burglers, broke into a guys house while he was still there, he stabbed one so badly the burglar died before getting the hospital, and the other is being done by the pilice for breaking and entering etc.
The govt only changed the laws a month or so back, but basically it goes, if you force your way into a UK house, you are guilty. Judgement and Sentence to be passed at the owners will, as long as its within the home.
So even though an Englishmans home has been returned as his castle, he cant reactivate the dead falls, pit traps, auto cannon and flamethrowers. 8(
Im going to have to get round to building that Terminator. 8(