So, when my lung collapsed, if I sat in a certain position, usually when leaning/lying on my left side, I could feel a...bubbly feeling in my chest. At first, since I didn't know my lung had collapsed, I had no clue what it was. Then, when I was told my lung had collapsed, I immediately realized that the bubbly feeling was actual bubbles of air moving around on the outside of my lung. Since getting out of the hospital, I have been FUCKING PARANOID about that feeling. I was warned through these forums: http://www.blebinfo.co.uk/phpBB2/portal.php that I would feel those bubbly feelings from time to time as I recovered. While I was in the hospital with that damned tube in my chest, I never felt that. When I got out, I would feel the occasional bubble, but it was so rare that it may have been just in my head.

This is where my anxieties come in to play.

I have a carry bag, one of those bags with one strap instead of two. It's a comfortable bag, and it works well enough for my needs. Unfortunately, I have a necklace that sits directly on that strap when it isn't tucked in. When I'm walking, that necklace bounces on that strap. That strap goes over my left shoulder, and all of the weight goes down my left side. So, with the necklace bouncing on that strap, I can feel that vibration all down the left side of my chest and it feels EXACTLY like that bubbly feeling. EXACTLY like it.

Then, even when I'm not wearing that bag, I still occasionally feel that bubbly feeling when walking. Earlier tonight, I could have sworn that my lung had completely re-collapsed. As Kendall and I were walking back inside, I felt that bubbly feeling to the EXTREME and immediately ran for my spirometer I was given at the hospital. Fortunately, it has been a couple of hours since then and I can still get over 4,000 ml in one inhale (the max on this thing is 4,000, so I'm cool with that), and I can do it without pain or anything, but it still terrified the ever loving FUCK out of me.

So, tomorrow I'm going to try to get back to the hospital and have them switch out my prescription for Lexapro to Celexa. Reason being, Lexapro costs $70 for a months worth down at the Winn Dixie, and that's the CHEAPEST I can find around here. Everywhere else is over $100. Celexa, on the other hand, would cost me only $4 for a months worth. FOUR DOLLARS. Now, according to the pharmacist down at the Winn Dixie, the both of them are almost identical. I asked my dad, who has been on more medications for anxiety and depression than I have, and he said that yeah, they are almost the same. I know a few people who say Celexa actually worked better for them than Lexapro or anything else.

I also am going to get another X-Ray while I'm there. I'm fucking sick of these anxieties, and I'm pretty sure you're all sick of reading my EPICALLY EMO journals about being full of the both of them.

On another HORRIBLE note, I got a call from debt collectors today. For my hospital bills. Which haven't even been SENT yet.

Let me reiterate that: I haven't even received the bills yet, and they're already sending debt collectors after me.

WHAT.

Oh, remember that medicaid/medicare system I mentioned a few journals back? No? Oh well. I'm not eligible for it anyway. It didn't mention on any of the fliers or pamphlets that you have to have children or be older than 65 years old or both. Unfortunately, I still have that $16,000 bill from a few years ago when they did the same tests on me four times, and three of those times were refused. MALPRACTICE. I'm being charged $16,000 for MALPRACTICE. What's worse is that because it happened so long ago, the bill still stands, but the ability to call them out on MALPRACTICE does not. How FUCKED UP is that? On a...slightly...not entirely fortunate note, they want to work with me on that bill. They said that if I can pay $800 in one lump sum, then they'll remove the rest of it or something. I wasn't really paying attention, because the bitch was tossing jargon around like a bird trying to break up a piece of bread. You ever seen that? Baseball pitchers don't throw that much shit. So, I didn't understand ninety percent of what she was saying, I just caught something about $800 and getting rid of something something the rest something something something dark side.

I'm hoping I get hired at some place sometime soon so I can apply for health insurance. I'm sick of not having it. I don't give a shit if it's another bill to pay. I really don't. I was talking to my mom and she told me that when she had her cancer surgery back in '97, the total bill was $32,000. She called up her health insurance and was left with a $30 bill. Then she called up AFLAC, and they took care of that $30 remainder.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY JACK.

She has had two surgeries since then, and hasn't had to pay for either of those either, because she's been such a good client or whatever.

So, as soon as I can get a job, I'm going to be applying for health insurance.

Wow, this journal went from "I want to not be bleh" to "I want to pay a monthly premium to a company that will pay for me to not be bleh".

Whatever.

I'm going to bed.