First of all, thanks to everyone who took part! I know you only did it for that teeny, tiny chance that you might -actually- be right and win a Mega Awesome Fantastic Prize, but thanks all the same.

Secondly, on to what you've all been waiting for... The answers! Now, obviously the previous journal entry is closed (I've taken note of the time) so no going back and entering yourself after you've read this, you cheeky bastards. The most important thing to remember here is that no-one actually won, as far as I can remember. WHAT THIS MEANS is that the person who got closest (or gave the best answer to the tie-breaker in the case of a draw) will win the Super Fan-Dabby-Doozy Prize. I haven't had time to figure out who that is yet, but what I'll do is write up the answers (and why they're right) and then I'll update this journal with an edit as to who won.

Now, without further ado:

Q) How do you pronounce "vase"?
A) /va:z/ if you're using the phonetic alphabet, or "vars" if you're approximating. Basically not "vays" or anything like that; that just sounds incredibly pretentious and is, of course, plain wrong.

Q) How do you make a cup of tea? Briefly write out the instructions.
A) Now, I know some of you will complain, but I DID say how do you make a cup of tea. Not a pot you'll notice, but a cup. In order to make a cup of tea you put a teabag in a cup, add sugar if desired, pour in boiling water, let it brew, remove the teabag, and then add the milk. There is no "if" with adding milk, you damn well add it. Also, the correct amount of sugar is one teaspoon, no more, no less.

Q) Pants or socks first?
A) Pants first. Socks first is ludicrous, and makes you look like an absolute fool. Also, if somehow there's a fire the very moment you've put on one item of clothing, you'd much rather be in your pants than in your socks when you make your escape from burny death. Americans upset over the definition of pants needn't be, because you're wrong in calling trousers pants. There is no such thing as American English; there is English, and there are mistakes.

Q) What is the proper way to write the date?
A) Hardy har at anyone being a smartarse and writing "the date" or somesuch. Points have actually been deducted from you at the assumption that I'd try to be a smartarse to catch you out; I don't need to use trickery to ensure most of you would answer incorrectly. Once again I'm afraid our American friends tend to have gone MM/DD/YY, when clearly it should be DD/MM/YY; it is the 20th of October today, not October 20th. The second way is just lazy, and plain wrong. Also, DD.MM.YY would be fine but having four digits for the year is not acceptable; the convention is three sets of two digits, not two sets of two and one set of four. If you're talking about something in the past that would require the full year to be written, you don't write it shorthand, you take the time to write out the full date. For example: 14 October 1066, not 14/10/66 or worse 14/10/1066.

Q) What is this a picture of?
A) It was a picture of an aubergine. Not an eggplant, an aubergine. We don't need people confusing stupid children into believing that it's where eggs come from, and it was known as an aubergine long before being mistakenly called an eggplant. Bloody colonists re-naming things we have perfectly good names for already.

Q) Who was the best Captain of the Enterprise?
A) I'm glad so many people got this right, as it was of course Captain Jean-Luc Picard. You can argue otherwise, but put simply you'd be wrong. Also, popular opinion for once is actually right, so it's not just me telling you you're wrong but in fact most people.

Q) What do you eat with jelly?
A) Custard. Also acceptable is Ice-Cream, though that's pushing it. If you don't know what jelly is, or bizarrely decided the word "jam" wasn't good enough for you, then tough; stop re-naming things we have perfectly good names for already.

Tie break:

Q) What religion is right?
A) This one was a bit harder, as honestly there isn't a single right answer but rather a selection I would've accepted. The top answer is of course "none of them" and variants thereof. I'm not actually accepting Atheism as an answer because, as you should know, Atheism isn't a religion. I would also have accepted "Islam" if you live in an area where any other answer would have put you at a serious health risk. For instance: West London.

RIGHT.

Those are the answers. If you don't like them, you're more than happy to discuss why below, but just remember you're still wrong. Later tonight I'll go and see who got the most right, and I'll make a small announcement here to let them know they've won the Ridiculously Amazing Mind-Blowingly Brilliant Prize.