So, it's 1 AM. I tried to sleep, but I am still out of whack on my sleep schedule and having too many thoughts enter my head. Might as well get them out and see what happens rather than stay the course I've been on which was ignoring them and moving on.

The kindling of the whole thing started with - yep - Athus. The fact that I'm still posting journals on the subject of this person is probably offensive for a lot of reasons, but hear me out.

I found that two dragons I used to know pretty well actually knew Athus - and saw their names pop up among the people talking about his death personally impacting them (i.e. in a much bigger way that someone like me who only met the guy at one or two ACs). Although I only knew Athus from a distance as a watcher and whatnot, I definitely knew these folks and we used to chat almost every day at some times. So in a combination of, seeing how close Athus's friends were to him inspiring me to want to try harder on making/keeping friends, and seeing that some of those people are people I used to talk to all the time, that's what is on my mind right now.

I don't know what happened but it seems like around the same time I graduated college, the people I interacted with started to change. That's about the same time I started getting into LAFF meets, like bowling. It was also right after my breakup and in that period where I was pretty sure I would not be looking to have a mate again.

Notice how I say I "was" sure... I am starting to warm up to that idea again. But, I know I can't force it, so I'll stick to the plan of making friends and if one develops, watch what happens. But, as many things as a group of people can do, there are some experiences that only work for a couple (or MAYBE three).

Anyway, I have realized that there are a lot of people I talked to “way back when” that I have not talked to in years. I don’t know why. Maybe we mutually didn’t feel like putting the effort to see if the other was still interested… maybe we fought over something (but I can’t remember what it would be now). Either way, I will probably try and re-establish contact with some older friends I’ve had just out of curiosity more than anything. Maybe I am remembering the old friendships more fondly than I should, but I don’t want to assume that. Right now I don’t have many friends that I keep in contact with and I am looking to change that.

P.S. If you’re a friend of mine, old or new, and I’m not chatting you up anymore – if you come to me and ask me about it I will probably admit it was sloppiness on my part, not that I was tired of/mad at you. Or perhaps I was but I honestly can’t remember and I would give you a second chance, and I hope I would get one too. I hope I have a better personality than 5 years ago but I know that I have a different one.

Incidentally the Boo at the Zoo today brought me face to face with some old furs who I feel had a low opinion of me in the past and it was remarkably civil, so that may be a start.