First I wish to say that I will not name names. I don’t feel its right. And second I am sorry for the very long post but its important to me.

Recent events in the furry community have caused me to reflect a great deal as of late. I wanted to wait some time before I wrote of this though because I wanted to make sure, to look long and hard within myself, to start the changes that I needed to make and to make sure that they are right, before I posted this public message. First I should explain how I got here.

There have been a few deaths that have occurred over the past couple of weeks that have made me take stock in a great many things. One did not affect me to much other than it made me sad. The other though, the death of a dragon, tore at my heart and my soul. Now I will admit I did not know the person all that well but it was the fact that a dragon had passed from this world, that’s what was killing me. I have always had a very strong connection with dragons in spirit. Those that I have always felt closest to, those that I wish I could have done things different, all but one of them is a dragon. This connection it’s just something that is there within me that makes my soul feel whole when around them and I can’t explain it to well other than to say I feel it. It’s something I have always felt when I was around others that are dragons. When one passed from this world it just tore at me. It was this pain that caused me to suddenly take a very deep look within myself, with who I was and what I was doing to myself. In a sense it shook me to my core and shook everything lose that I had ever done to try and protect myself from being hurt. In the end, it causes me to rethink everything and make some large changes. The first is no longer being afraid.

What I realize I have been doing most of my life is that I have been living in fear, fear of rejection and loss. Let me take the first part, the rejection. I realize now that everyone that I have ever felt some kind of connection with, some kind of possible spark, I ran. Where I could have nurtured it and tried to develop it and see how it would grow, instead I would be afraid that I would just lose that person so I would either run from them, ignore them , or I would be mean to them. I was thinking there is no way they could ever have a desire for someone like me. I can think of a few that I certainly did this to, one in particular a wonderful dragon soul who was once my roommate. He made me feel wonderful and instead of me actually giving it a chance I treated him like shit from day one because I was afraid. I am not afraid to say now that I did cry over the fact that I realize what I did to him. Another dragon that I speak of I actually had a long talk with this past week on the phone and he helped me through a great deal of this. The last 2, well one I have talked to and as I am working to no longer run in fear from these things, well I am actually trying to foster a relationship that may never grow more than a friendship but you know what, at least then I can say I tried. The last one, well him I ran from long ago when I was again stupid and afraid. Today he still remains a friend although I have never told him how much I did care for him. I must face him and tell him the truth. Writing all this is part of my first step to no longer be afraid though. The second major change is that I will no longer be just what people want to see and I will explain that more.

Those that know me well know that I have had a few forms over my time here on furry. I started off long ago as a dolphin because well I liked them, they were cute and I was working to be a marine biologist which by the way is very boring so you better love it if you really want to get into it. I did not show up as a dragon because well I did not want people to think I was crazy that I really liked this mythological creature. Now in hindsight, before I keep going I want to make this next part perfectly clear! I feel a strong connection with and a bond with dragons but I am not a dragon! I know that to be the truth. There is much I am working out but I know that much to be true. Okay back to the history lesson. I started to really feel it was just not me though, the whole dolphin thing. I one day found a mailing list that was devoted to erotic dragon stories, art, you name it. Well I jumped on that right away. It was there I met a great artist and friend that drew a lot of gryphon’s. I commented on how cute they were and he made mention that he could totally see me as a gryphon. I thought sure why not so I made a gryphon form. I confess that some of the more popular in the group seem to really like this as well so I kind of went with it for a while. It was simple fear of loss that I did this. I had no self confidence really so the acceptance was most welcome to me. In the end I was just doing something to please others though, and not myself. Finally I met someone I feel head over heels for, and this person was a buck. I basically made mention to them how I thought bucks were cute and well I made a buck persona for him to play with. In short I honestly was crushing hard for them and wanted them so bad to be my mate I would have done anything to try and get it. I was trying to be what they wanted to see. In all these cases I was just afraid of losing what little acceptance I felt I had and so I would be or do anything really to get it. But I am not sure it was ever me. Given everything that I have felt recently I realize what I have been doing. So I now face the fact that I have never been true to myself. I mean I think a part of all these things may contain a small part of my personality but they are not the whole, or at least I am not sure anymore. This is all part of me having to look deep at myself, to realize all that I have done and to try and figure out just who I am for once, and not who I think others want me to be. I may actually dump Vendra and just let him pass into history because to try and change again if I do feel I find my true self, well I am not sure I should use the same name I was using before.

The last major change that I can mention now is that I have stopped doing a lot of time sinks that I was doing. They were just a way for me to try and hide and not think about these things. Never again, I am done! I have run to long and spent far to much time away from those I care about just because I am afraid that I might get hurt. Well getting hurt is how we live and grow and never come to regret in later years when we ask what if we had just done X.

This I all that I have been reflecting on over the past few days. I know this is a large read and if you made it this far, well I thank you. To many, this will not concern them so much except as to why I might have always seemed a little distant. To a couple, I hope that you take what I have said to heart and well that you understand why I did what I did. I am not saying that its right, and in fact I am so sorry for what I did, but these have been my cowardly reasons.

I no longer will live in fear. I will no longer run. I will no longer try and just be what others want to see in me in hopes of fostering something that is not there. I will be me. I will let people get to know me. And if things come from that, then wonderful. If not then I can at least say I did not run in fear.