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CONFESSION AND NEW PROJECTS
14 years ago
General
Hay everyone,
Well, I've been away a while, but I'm back now. Here's my confession: For a while I've been avoiding being online much because I've been depressed and haven't had the energy to be social through the Internet. During this time I distracted myself by working with my mineral collection. Anyway, it was silly for me to avoid online social activity since it's loneliness that has been making me depressed. I apologize for being away but I think of you guys often and do care, even if I don't keep up. I'm going to start seeing a therapist about my loneliness and shyness. Lonely people tend to do things that alienate friends and make people think that they don't want human contact, and I'm as guilty of that as anyone I guess. This probably sounds odd. Certain psychological problems are generally misunderstood or not thought about which only makes sense. I doubt I know a single person who thinks that I have a "real" problem being shy, or understands my being lonely. Well, I love everyone, but today, on behalf of everyone who is shy in the way I am, I feel like saying "f#@* you" to everybody. - This is a real f#@*ing problem with real effects and I'm tired of being told I just need to get over it and not be shy. Everyone says they're shy too, but there's a difference between someone like me and someone who might not get what they want but still gets hit on, has people want to hug or even cuddle them, etc., Anyway, I'm going to try therapy and I'm hoping it will help. …sorry for that little unexpected rant.
NEW (and semi-new) PROJECTS:
Tonight or this afternoon, after I catch up on FA, FB, etc., I'm going to get my studio back in order. The rest of the upstairs portion of my house is finally mostly in order again, after a few years of semi-chaos. What getting my studio back in order means is that I can stop saying, every so often, that I'm going back to suit work, and actually do it. There's no good reason for anyone to believe I will, since I've cried wolf so many times. However I'm excited and hope to post some sort of WIP pics before long.
Also, I have decided to get back to drawing and start doing furry art. It will take me at least a few months to get back to drawing well, and I need to re-learn anatomy, etc., I'll be practicing a lot, but I'll not be good enough to let people see anything for a while, my guess is about six months. It's exciting to think that I'll have something that might give me a real presence in the furry community. (It seems like furs tend to see each other more as real living and emotional beings when they can draw each other. From what I gather, when furs draw themselves in little groups, they typically only include other furs who are also artists, or maybe fursuiters. At any rate, getting back in practice will also help me get back to my painting, and should give me a great way to meet more furs and be more engaged in the scene.
Perhaps I should mention that I'm also going to familiarize myself with anime and Pokemon. For a while I've wondered about anime, I saw my first example last night, and someone told me that I "should" get to know about Pokemon. No reason was given but none is needed. It looks interesting enough on it's own.
Oh yeah, I'll be at MFF!
That's all. Thanks for reading.
Well, I've been away a while, but I'm back now. Here's my confession: For a while I've been avoiding being online much because I've been depressed and haven't had the energy to be social through the Internet. During this time I distracted myself by working with my mineral collection. Anyway, it was silly for me to avoid online social activity since it's loneliness that has been making me depressed. I apologize for being away but I think of you guys often and do care, even if I don't keep up. I'm going to start seeing a therapist about my loneliness and shyness. Lonely people tend to do things that alienate friends and make people think that they don't want human contact, and I'm as guilty of that as anyone I guess. This probably sounds odd. Certain psychological problems are generally misunderstood or not thought about which only makes sense. I doubt I know a single person who thinks that I have a "real" problem being shy, or understands my being lonely. Well, I love everyone, but today, on behalf of everyone who is shy in the way I am, I feel like saying "f#@* you" to everybody. - This is a real f#@*ing problem with real effects and I'm tired of being told I just need to get over it and not be shy. Everyone says they're shy too, but there's a difference between someone like me and someone who might not get what they want but still gets hit on, has people want to hug or even cuddle them, etc., Anyway, I'm going to try therapy and I'm hoping it will help. …sorry for that little unexpected rant.
NEW (and semi-new) PROJECTS:
Tonight or this afternoon, after I catch up on FA, FB, etc., I'm going to get my studio back in order. The rest of the upstairs portion of my house is finally mostly in order again, after a few years of semi-chaos. What getting my studio back in order means is that I can stop saying, every so often, that I'm going back to suit work, and actually do it. There's no good reason for anyone to believe I will, since I've cried wolf so many times. However I'm excited and hope to post some sort of WIP pics before long.
Also, I have decided to get back to drawing and start doing furry art. It will take me at least a few months to get back to drawing well, and I need to re-learn anatomy, etc., I'll be practicing a lot, but I'll not be good enough to let people see anything for a while, my guess is about six months. It's exciting to think that I'll have something that might give me a real presence in the furry community. (It seems like furs tend to see each other more as real living and emotional beings when they can draw each other. From what I gather, when furs draw themselves in little groups, they typically only include other furs who are also artists, or maybe fursuiters. At any rate, getting back in practice will also help me get back to my painting, and should give me a great way to meet more furs and be more engaged in the scene.
Perhaps I should mention that I'm also going to familiarize myself with anime and Pokemon. For a while I've wondered about anime, I saw my first example last night, and someone told me that I "should" get to know about Pokemon. No reason was given but none is needed. It looks interesting enough on it's own.
Oh yeah, I'll be at MFF!
That's all. Thanks for reading.
Thanks, I have a nice enough piece of some simple cubes from Missouri, but I'm always open for material that I don't have, display or reference. I have some duplicates and trimmings (that are good on their own) too by the way. If you'd like to get a collection going again I can give you some specimens to encourage that. I'll get a little list together and note you.
If you'd like I'll note or email you with what's been happening here. Despite my complaining above, (which was supposed to be positive but I bitched too much,) things have been pretty good generally. I'll see what news you may have posted in FA, I haven't checked in a while. I hope everyone and the animals around you are alright too.
It'd be great to get a note from you. :) I'm glad you understand what it's like to have to just get away from things, sometimes...but I'm going to try to be more active in the furry fandom, like I was before. I need that, I think, the fun and the companionship. (But hopefully not the drama.)
looking forward to trying to find you around MFF. glad you're back.
If you feel like coming over sometime for art-jam type stuff, or would like me to come visit sometime (a little tougher, since driving is still painful for me, but doable on good days) I'd be glad for it. And no worries about whether your drawings are good/bad/whatever, I still remember far too well what my first drawing looked like, and even out-of-practice artists have given me great ideas and insights.
Glad to see you back online, at least. If you feel like talking over messenger sometime, too, let me know.
I have time to stop by some, if I don't hear from you I'll contact you soon.
Thanks for the welcome back btw.
Sometimes even the nicest horse or donkey needs to kick a little to get their point across.
I'm also thinking about starting up a Saturday Morning Art Jam or something like that at a local cafe. I'd like to actually get mostly people *I* know going to it first, so there's sort of a regular group. Think you'd be interested?
I'm going to ask at the cafe what time would be okay Saturday morning, and see if I can convince another friend of mine to turn up. I'll let you know by Friday afternoon :)
I believe in many cases that's a sign of not having felt safe as a child, and not feeling safe as an adult.
Also, the way we see social situations playing out if we pre-ruminate on what they'll be like (because of fear of the unknown, which is natural) can sometimes tap our "worst case generator" and lead us to thoughts like "I won't meet anyone interesting anyway," or "nobody will be interested in what I have to say," or whatever. Has that been your experience, or is it something else?
There are certain "mental vitamins" that online interaction can't give you. Ultimately you need friends around you who'll come over, brew you a cup of tea, and talk to you for a couple hours. It's sometimes hard to find people like that, and it can be hard to become that for someone else, especially if you have difficulty finding people you feel you truly click with.
Not getting that type of real interaction with people who care is corrosive over time, and my experience is that it will indeed make you depressed. If that's the case, the best way out is through.
My therapist will likely have me do some cognitive behavioral stuff. It's a long story, but I drifted out of the lives of a lot of earlier friends, about fifteen to ten years ago. One great recent development is that I've slowly been making some furry friends. This started in a more significant way around three years ago (if memory serves,) and has continued. There's not a lot of reason for me to go on about these problems here anyway though. You can always note me if you're curious about anything.
Thanks for your comments.
Although I'm shy I'm also an extravert, which helps a good deal. It's the addition of being clinically lonely that complicates things.
that's all