not that anyone on here can help or anything, but i'm having some severe internal battles that are leaving me rather worn out. On top of that my school work has been outrageous and a lot of people are asking a whole bunch out of me at once, and I don't have it in me I fear. I'm dating a guy but I don't even know why, I don't like him and the only way I ever kiss him or get close to him is if he begs for it or I lost a bet or something. A lot of really obvious signs are leading me to think that I don't like guys at all, and that i'm just a lesbian. I've always known i like girls, my first true love was a female and that tender love has been imprinted as what i want in a relationship. Every time that I date a guy he hurts me, physically sometimes or just torturing in my mind. Always something really screwed up. My life was torn away from me, almost every friend left when my last boyfriend did. i'm still trying to pick up the pieces, and it gave me the opportunity to get a clean start on things...but i'm afraid i already screwed up I think. I'm not sure what I want in this world and all i feel is confused. I really do hate men, but how can i make people understand that...especially the man i'm dating. And even if I tell him that, i'm just afraid...i'm lonely. I don't even understand what I feel half the time. I know that I want someone I can't have, but then i'm afraid that even if it ever happened it would ruin the only friendship that really survived through the massacare that was my life a while back. My head hurts from all this wondering and thinking, and still i'm getting nowhere...

I don't know why i'm telling you people this, the only one i've talked to doesn't feel comfortable around me because of it. I'm losing friends because of all this...and i'm not sure if I can handle losing anymore friends. I don't even know if there is any advice people can give me...I just needed to write this down somewhere. I don't really want sympathy..this is just an update. Just me trying to figure things out.