i need to settle this issue before it starts tearing at me emotionally.... i know that very few of you know me extensively personally, however that shouldn't matter.... i just want everyone's input. good or bad..... because eventually, this will end up hurting me if i don't figure out something soon.

so.... me and my lover Maria are nearing close to our 3rd year anniversary come this January. 3 years is a long time for any relationship, especially considering our's has been a long distance relationship the whole time. to be honest, i'm really excited about the end of semester in general. school is looking average to say best and to be honest, and if i get straight D's and C's i'll be a lot happier than failing any one given class. Secondly, come semester end i plan on visiting Maria again, despite the fact i have nowhere near the amount of money to go visit, i miss her dearly so i'll be happy to go without eating a few weeks if it means seeing her.

I digress..... with our 3rd year coming, it's growing more obvious.... so... think what you want, i want everyone's opinion on the matter regardless of how hurtful it may be.

.... i develop crushes on girls i tend to like as i meet them throughout life. this is second nature to me, since it's been like that since i was still in elementary school.if i grow to like someone i start to form a scenario in my head of "what if" we were together. i've had dozens of boyish crushes growing up until now, and typically (with almost 100% accuracy) it just turns out to be just that, a crush. because nothing ever happens, they never like me back, or they were taken by someone else. so being rejected my whole life i learned to understand that a crush is usually temporary, and that i shouldn't make a big deal over them. sometimes i don't, but for bigger ones i will....... but eventually, nearly 3 years ago, i found the one crush that actually developed into something more. possibly the happiest moment of my life, and a week in which a guy who's broken bones and laughed in the pain was left to cry out of happiness. I LOVE HER! and she still to this day makes me happy.

.... regardless, my life went about as it always had. even weeks after finding my lover, and until now, i still develop these crushes over people i tend to like. most of which are disposable due to my history of rejection, and now due to the fact i now have someone to make me happy. however, the bigger ones tend to linger longer than normal in the back of my mind (or heart for this matter). i've had several over the past 3 years, just as i did before i was taken, and even weeks after being with Maria, i still would get them. i simply threw them in the back of my mind as quickly as they arrived.... because like always, it's a crush, nothing more... but as our relationship progresses, it seems to me (and others) that apparently these emotions for others are subject to perhaps a bad relationship, which can't be true because i still developed these emotions even when my relationship was only weeks old. now people try to tell me it's that i don't love Maria as much as i used to, which can't be true either because i love her more than i did then, i'm simply more acquainted now that our passion isn't new, much like married couples would behave.

.... so... i want to know why i develop these, because apparently i'm not supposed to....

but it's not like i knew i "wasn't" supposed to.... i mean it's not like i justified my passion and love based on my crushes. i based it on my relationship with Maria. and it's also not like these crushes evoke thoughts of cheating on Maria, or leaving her, because they don't. they never have, and the one time it did i left Maria only to be dumped the next week (point being, I LEARNED MY LESSON!)..... and i think since then Maria learned that i do develop crushes, and always have...... but i don't act upon them, nor do i want to. i love Maria... it's almost as if the emotions i develop for others are unconditional. i can't prevent then, yet i do nothing to provoke them.

but... despite not acting upon them, my crushes still affect me emotionally. especially the larger ones (for example the one i have for a friend of mine now)..... they make me feel jealous, because they either have a bf to be with (while my gf lives miles away.) or actually just depress me because, to be honest, i like it better when they're my friend, not someone else's girlfriend.... it's almost like a friendship war if i had to describe i briefly..... but there's where my problem lies.

i may have a crush on her.... but if i have no intentions of ever leaving Maria for her.... and if i'm only a friend to her.... why does her relationship status affect me? why do i get jealous when she's kissing some guy she JUST met, why do i get depressed when i can see her for a few weeks, why love hanging out more than with any other friend?......

i can't interpret my own emotions.... but i really want to.... i don't know if these are normal, or maybe subjective of a bad relationship, because i love Maria.... i don't know one thing in our relationship that could trigger those feelings....... but i really need feedback guys.

what do you think?.... why might i feel this way? should i even feel this way?... is it wrong?.... am i a cheater simply because i develop crushes to begin with?.... anything helps, positive or negative.....

thanks guys~