Yeah...

As a few of you may already know from the last journal, I lost my best friend recently. The funeral was held last Friday (9 November, 2011), and Blake's family set things up so I could attend via Skype. I wrote a eulogy, which they were also kind enough to read in my stead. The whole ordeal was... Hard, to say the least. Some of you know I've been able to get through pretty much everything without that much problem. This, however... There's no bracing for this. I can't get back up like I have in the past, even with another death. Blake was one of the closest people ever in my life, and without him, I wouldn't be anything like the person all of you know today. Knowing that the person responsible for almost everything I am today is gone is... Yeah...

It's the first day since... A day I purposely don't remember that I've been wholly and completely numb. I haven't felt anything emotionally or, even, physically. I'll occasionally feel all this sorrow all over again, yeah... Because that tends to happen when someone close to you dies. But other than that, I don't feel any emotion. Nor do I feel hungry, or thirsty, or tired, or even when I'm touching something. And gods know how long it'll last this time... I know it lasted for a few years last time. The difference here, is I don't really have the strength to put up the usual facade, looking like I still feel as a normal person does. That's not to mean I won't try, but there's just too much going on for me to do it as well as I used to.

Basically all I'm trying to say is this hit hard. Really hard. And I've been knocked on my ass. And I can't get back up. And I don't know how long it'll be before I can. I'm going to have moments of weakness, and I'm more cynical, colder, and overall just... Terrible with critique.

Until things get back to normal for me, I'm going to try first and foremost to get my ability to, well... Think, back. I need to focus on things again first. Then I'll be working on my school things for a while, to make sure I don't have another problem for winter quarter like I did over summer for fall. For this, I PROBABLY won't make any headway in commissions. So just a heads up: I'm sorry everyone who's already waited so long. I will try and get your work done in my spare time. I'll continue to take on additional commissions, but to be honest with all of you... I may not actually start kicking anything out until around Christmas, when things are all cooling off and I get more time.

So yeah... Guess that's it.

P.S. For everyone who's been there for me for the past week, I can't thank you enough. You're all awesome and I owe each and every one of you. Stay awesome.