i don't feel like doing much talking or making stuff right now.

i'm going through a pretty harsh breakup, and i've never been through one before.

it's especially hard since it isn't my fault, he just freaked out and left, mostly due to leftover baggage from a previous relationship.

i'm pretty much just, not me anymore. i can't find happiness in anything. i shared everything with him, and now it's all a constant reminder. the light in my life is gone.

people keep telling me to accept it and move on, because he's the one that's screwed up etc., but i know he's going through a lot of pain right now. i want to just consider him a lying dick and right him off, but i know deep down it's more complicated than that. had he not been abused so many times in his life, he would've been able to love me the way i loved him. he would've been able to trust me and talk to me. he wouldn't have been so scared of failure.

every single day is hard. whenever i manage to enjoy myself, it is extremely fleeting. i want him to come back to me, but i don't want this to repeat.
i don't even know what i want.

i have dreams about him being back with me and sleeping next to me, and smiling, telling me that it's all better now and that the worst part is over. and then i wake up and am just overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment.

i feel childish for needing him so badly. with what we experienced and talked about with each other, i can't believe that he's not feeling the same way i do right now, the crushing sadness and the yearning to see me. then i blame myself, though i know everyone's just going to tell me not to. without him talking to me, or seeing me, without reassurance, i make up my own reasons. and the worst part about that is that often times, when i make up my own reasons, they turn out to be correct, which only reinforces my insecurities.

i just want someone to look at me and say that they care about me and want to support me and help me when i'm sick, or tell me that they love me and legitimately mean it. he, or at least in my mind, was the only person up to that point who actually did that.
i'm tired of dealing with people who objectify me, make me feel like i can only be loved by the way i look, i'm too fat for one person, not fat enough for another. every fat fetishist in the world can go fuck themselves. i'm a person who struggles with their weight, i don't eat too much, i just eat the wrong things and don't move around enough. i'm not here to look pretty for someone, i'm here to find a companion who will love me and want to take care of me as much as i will love them and want to take care of them.

this break up has fucking scarred me. i'm too scared to try to find anyone else. i don't ever want to feel this way again, but i can't tell if being lonely is worse than feeling this way again.

i feel like it's my own fault for being too open with him and assuming that he'd want to stay with me as long as i'd want to stay with him.

i just can't see a way out of this. i'm tired of the cliche pep talks i keep getting from people who've either never felt this before, or who want to be lazy about it and just tell me that he's a dick and move on. it's just not that simple.