Hey people, I wish I was using this journal for usless info and pricing or what have you, but no, this is being put up for usless ranting and so and such.
My life has been a spiral dance of all kinds of what the fuck. I don;t wanna say I'm sad, cause I'm not, I'm acually very happy when it comes down to it. I'm just tierd, exsausted as hell and I don;t know how much longer I can go withought passing out, metaphorically speaking.
I guess I should start from the closest I can get to the beginining. So I broke up with my GF, it wasn't a big deal, we've done it before and got back together just fine. However, I started to realize that we may not be okay, we have polar oppisite goals. I tried my best to get over it, but I feel we've been growing apart, I have growing pains because of it.
Life goes on, time passes by, and I get a job, but this job is high pressure, high stakes, incredibly dangerous, and something I have minimal training in. At first I was like :D but then I was like D': and it just got worse from there. I discovered I lost a ton of weight doing nothing and I can barley look my family members in the face withought becoming enraged for no good reason. Even my video games are getting old, and I feel like if I stay in this damned house one more day then theres going to be a path in the tile on where I walk everyday.
Finally things start to look up, I find a roomate and a house to live in for as about as cheap as it gets, real nice two story two bedroom, and its a possible rent to own. However, I start to realize withought a car then we have no way of making money for the house. We made plans, but every way I slice it it adds up to me being stuck in another house with even less to do untill a car can get paid for. However, I discover I can get free money for being indian, things start to look up again, then the guy who wants to give me the job starts to bullshit me and my roomate on how I get paid, but I can't just walk away from the opportunity. Oh, and I got punched in the mouth and now have a loose tooth, it hurts.
Now that all this personal stuff is out of the way its time to get deep. I met a girl, amazing girl, but no matter how amazing she is I have the same problem with her that I do with my ex, oppisite plans that force us away from each other. Theres also another problem, she's mentally unstable and self destructive, but I care too much to ignore it. I speak as if I'm dating her, well I'm not, in fact she's dating someone else, but I can't leave her alone because I already let her know how I feel and she tells me she returns the feeling. Sadly though, she;s not willing to leave her BF for me or anything else, even though she claims the relationship is unhappy, she also has alot of people on the side who she claims to love. As if that wasn;t enough, she talks to me about these people and speaks as though she wants to give them a chance with her. I feel like I'm just some number that got added in a line waiting to come and go.
I'm starting to feel like I don;t have a shot, like everything I'm doing is pointless and will just put me back at square one. Not just with the girl, but everything, yeah its discouraging and depressing, but if I don;t stay strong then this stuff will happen, right? I don;t know, I'm just tierd of being tierd, exsausted of gritting my sore teeth, and I don;t want something that won;t be there for a long time, but apparently thats all I can get. My rants over now, if anyone out there read this, I'm glad that you care enough to read it all the way through, my thanks and heart goes out to you.