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Locking Up The Market
14 years ago
I've been single for close to six months now. Honestly, it's not that terrible. I can make my own decisions and focus more on taking care of myself, keeping my affairs in order and hanging out with my friends.
That being said, I'm not interested in looking for a mate, nor am I interested in being "set up".
My breakup with my ex was painful, painful enough to put me on antidepressants after some scary near-suicidal thoughts landed me in the hospital. I still have a hard time telling people about it; whenever people ask me why I moved from MI to OH and back, I tell them that I had a job down there and got laid off. It's plausible enough, so they don't bother asking an more questions.
Yeah, I know I'm deflecting people when I do that. It's an old habit I developed as I was growing up to protect myself. Growing up in a small town and attending a small school where gossip's as good as gospel, I had to act mundane to avoid the teasing and the whispering (I still get paranoid about that). At the same time, I wanted people to like me, to want to hang out with me and do interesting things together. I especially wanted boys to notice me as a girl, not as someone to get homework answers from.
Looking back, my first few crushes were the result of me getting attention from a somewhat popular boy and me enjoying the rush. I admit it, I'm an attention junkie, and like any other junkie I did some crazy things to get my fix, things that were borderline stalkerish. The inevitable rejections I got didn't help matters either. Needless to say, I was (and still am) messed up.
I am surviving though, and part of my surviving stems from taking control of my life, especially parts where I once felt powerless. If I decide to start dating again, I want it to be on my terms with who I am interested in. I don't mind suggestions from my friends, but I would rather take the initiative on meeting someone than be thrust on a blind date with a friend's cousin's coworker who may be multiple levels of wrong for me.
In short, consider this kitty single and closed for any dates until further notice. Thanks.
That being said, I'm not interested in looking for a mate, nor am I interested in being "set up".
My breakup with my ex was painful, painful enough to put me on antidepressants after some scary near-suicidal thoughts landed me in the hospital. I still have a hard time telling people about it; whenever people ask me why I moved from MI to OH and back, I tell them that I had a job down there and got laid off. It's plausible enough, so they don't bother asking an more questions.
Yeah, I know I'm deflecting people when I do that. It's an old habit I developed as I was growing up to protect myself. Growing up in a small town and attending a small school where gossip's as good as gospel, I had to act mundane to avoid the teasing and the whispering (I still get paranoid about that). At the same time, I wanted people to like me, to want to hang out with me and do interesting things together. I especially wanted boys to notice me as a girl, not as someone to get homework answers from.
Looking back, my first few crushes were the result of me getting attention from a somewhat popular boy and me enjoying the rush. I admit it, I'm an attention junkie, and like any other junkie I did some crazy things to get my fix, things that were borderline stalkerish. The inevitable rejections I got didn't help matters either. Needless to say, I was (and still am) messed up.
I am surviving though, and part of my surviving stems from taking control of my life, especially parts where I once felt powerless. If I decide to start dating again, I want it to be on my terms with who I am interested in. I don't mind suggestions from my friends, but I would rather take the initiative on meeting someone than be thrust on a blind date with a friend's cousin's coworker who may be multiple levels of wrong for me.
In short, consider this kitty single and closed for any dates until further notice. Thanks.
Seriously though, I know what it's like to try to blend in while living in a small town, and I've been through similar levels of despair and having to make up excuses for moving back home. It sounds like you're on the right path, and I hope things start to get better for you. *hugs*