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Contemplation...
14 years ago
Just been thinking recently, and had to get it all down before I forgot. Tried earlier, but hit an error with my phone... T-T Let's see if I can recreate it for once. I usually can never repeat these things after they pass or I've said them once.
When I first found the fandom nine or ten years ago, I started seeing work by some artists and characters for some people almost everywhere. It seemed to me that everyone already had spent years meeting and talking to people. I felt out-of-place and didn't know how to get involved, much less how to explain any of my interest in it to my family.
Looking around now, after starting to become more social, I've realized that a lot of the ones I looked at and looked for were either around my age or weren't too much older. I'm still confused on how everything seems to fall into place over these. People get pictures with others and seem like great friends, but I never really learned how to get to know others. I never knew how to introduce myself or how to just talk casually most of the time. Knowing the people are around my age doesn't help me at all either, since I never seem to know half of what anyone is talking about anyway.
And all of those odd thoughts and anxiety only build more when it's someone I kept looking back to, either the character I liked and wanted to learn more about the person behind it or an artist whose work I kept looking for when I managed to get online. But still I see others have almost no problem with it, making friends and getting to know people. I don't know what they do differently or if it's just a problem I have, but I can't seem to talk to new people and relax at the same time.
I guess I just want to talk to more people and make more friends, but seize up when I want to try. And it seems like many of the ones I want to talk to really are open and friendly. I just can't seem to build up the nerve to say "hi".
... Wow that makes me sound pathetic. I liked the first version better. *sighs*
When I first found the fandom nine or ten years ago, I started seeing work by some artists and characters for some people almost everywhere. It seemed to me that everyone already had spent years meeting and talking to people. I felt out-of-place and didn't know how to get involved, much less how to explain any of my interest in it to my family.
Looking around now, after starting to become more social, I've realized that a lot of the ones I looked at and looked for were either around my age or weren't too much older. I'm still confused on how everything seems to fall into place over these. People get pictures with others and seem like great friends, but I never really learned how to get to know others. I never knew how to introduce myself or how to just talk casually most of the time. Knowing the people are around my age doesn't help me at all either, since I never seem to know half of what anyone is talking about anyway.
And all of those odd thoughts and anxiety only build more when it's someone I kept looking back to, either the character I liked and wanted to learn more about the person behind it or an artist whose work I kept looking for when I managed to get online. But still I see others have almost no problem with it, making friends and getting to know people. I don't know what they do differently or if it's just a problem I have, but I can't seem to talk to new people and relax at the same time.
I guess I just want to talk to more people and make more friends, but seize up when I want to try. And it seems like many of the ones I want to talk to really are open and friendly. I just can't seem to build up the nerve to say "hi".
... Wow that makes me sound pathetic. I liked the first version better. *sighs*
