Really, I do. Just fuck life, I just find nothing really worth living in my life. Already a quater of a century and there has beeen only 30 months that were good, and only 18 of those were perfect. I had someone to call my love, give all my devotion and attention to, and then found out that while it was very special to me, it was just "ok" for the other, and that they just didn't feel the same way. So I don't even have the hope of finding another when I can't stop my fucking heart from being to open to them, that I still do whatever will make them happy, even if it's something that's not the best for me or my current situation.

And what do I have to look forward to either. Fucking drowning in student loan debt. Yeah, that great lie of "Don't worry about all this debt, when you graduate you'll land a great job with this degree and you'll pay it back in no time." Well, shit, that fucking didn't happen. The only steady employment I had was with Walgreens, and that only required a high school diploma too get. So yeah, when I try to find a job to use the degree I went to school for, I just keep getting fucking let go for lack of work. Sure, right now I'm not technically "laid off" but I sure as hell ain't getting paid either. All I have is the promise that eventually my position will be funded, but no idea when. And don't even start on "just find another job." There aren't any! Fucking mainstream conservatives and republicans fucking up the economy. I'm sorry, but 7 years of overloading the upper echelons of the economy with huge tax breaks and kickbacks didn't make the economy grow. The only growth seen was in defense, and the economy collapsed when the wars are/were being drawn down. The only reason this economic disaster didn't happen sooner was that there were two wars being fought, and however cold hearted it may sound to say it, war stimulates the economy. So yeah, I'm completely buried up to my head with debt, and even if I do find stable employment, I still have 15 fucking years that I'll be having to pay off this debt.

And don't even mention bankruptcy. When bankruptcy laws were redrawn (and for individuals only) student loan debt is not covered. So yeah, even if my student loan debt prevents me from being able to have a roof over my head, or gas to get to work, or to put a little bit of food in my stomach, doesn't matter. not at valid reason for bankruptcy. So remember, it's perfectly okay to totally drive a corporation down into vast debt, cause it to fail, and then get paid a huge bonus for doing that and then be able to just declare bankruptcy and do it a few years later, if someones life is being ruined by debt, well, shit, fuck you, go be a hobo. Had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have rethought my school plans. But well, there's no help for and I just have to suffer for my mistake no matter how much it may cost me.

And stop with all the shit "don't worry, it'll get better." No, it hasn't fucking gotten better since I was born. Nothing in my life has gotten better, either held steady or a little buoyancy here or there, but never have things gotten better. Only ever gottne worse. Worse and worse. Nothing to look forward to, no matter how things start to look like they are looking up, next moment I get sucker punched and down I go again. Even worse off before. So now, not only am I unemployed, unable to find employment that will allow me to both live and pay my student loans back, I now also will be homeless in three months. So yeah, much fun to be had trying to find living space with $0 income. Should try it sometime, doesn't work well.

And over all this, I'm just fucking tired of feeling sad and hurt all the time. Like I'm wasted space. All the constant pain, hurt, suffering that I just grin and bear every fucking day. Listening to others say how crappy their life is when they have it so much better, while I have to sit there and act like everything with me is just wonderful. It's not, my life has been nothing but pain and suffering. Bullied, beat up, constantly teased all through grade school and high school. 9 year of constantly trying to hide my real attraction and acting like girls were what I wanted. What has life given me to want to continue living. Even the 2.5 years with Dani, well, why fucking try that again when I'll just have my heart broken again by life. Really, the only reason I'm not in the bathtub with razor blades or fucking sleeping pills is that while it would end my suffering, it would only cause more suffering for others, and so I can't even find peace in that. And all my problems don't go away, but only becomes another. Another one of my flaws, always not being able to let others do something. I have to be the one to fix everything, I can't just let something be. Even where 99% of others would just walk away, i keep at it as I have this need to do it. Just driven to not quit at everything. Oh hey, end of my shift, well, while everyone else would just punch out and go home, nope, I'll stay and finish everything I was working on, even when there are others that could finish it. And then this need to not leave something unfinished just causes problem with others as I then make them feel like they're not important. And then I feel worse. So yeah, my life is the shit but I just have to act all happy and not let anyone know, cause then I'll feel even worse cause it's like I quit. I just want the pain to end, but there is no way for me to do that.