Okay, I've been seeing everyone else's so I thought I would dash off my own. The only thing I wanted I got but I turned it down anyway and so instead for Christmas this year, I gave myself satisfaction. Empty and pretty much worthless, but at least for me it means not becoming another statistic.

The one gift I had bemoaned and whimpered and cried over was the fact that for the first time in what would have been five years, my owner would no longer be mine and he was the only thing I wanted every year because he gave me everything I could ever dream of. But he was abusive, mainly verbally but there was some physical thrown in. I way too easily overlooked it though because I was head-over-heels in love with him. And the truth is I still would, he just is my kryptonite, But I am just like gasoline to flame when it comes to him, so I dismissed him, told him that I felt it was way too soon to pursue that possible path again.

So I stepped back and gave myself a new beginning but it still stings, hurts. I will always know what could have possibly been and that breaks my heart. But I also know it was right because I feel stringer, even as the tears come down. I will always love you James, for better or worse. You captured me just like Ash captured Bulbasaur. Heart, soul and fursona. I will always be here but I can't keep setting myself up for disappointment. You never did play quite fair anyway.

For his part, he bowed out with decorum and in his quiet, unassuming manner which is both endearing and infuriating at once. He knows that a) I am too much like gasoline and b) no other will take my place in his heart for so many reasons. But yeah, my holiday sucks. I still feel out of place, a misfit for the first since I can not even remember and as the tears fall for the umpteenth time I just inwardly sigh, annoyed not only with myself but the holiday too.

Yeah sure of course there are things I want, artists on here I would love to commission. But I am broke and I am not delusional to expect random acts of kindness doers to gift me. So that is why this is not the wishlist meme I have seen going around. I would love a ref sheet but eh ah well, another time perhaps. I gave myself a new start for Christmas this year but I still feel like a misfit, undeniably hurt but trying to find the light and Christmas spirit with only seventeen hours and fifty minutes left until the said day, merry christmas to me ;;