I am sitting here bathed in only the glow from the multi colored lights of my fake six foot tall pine tree and listening to "Stronger" from Sara Evans, thinking about how the holidays are a time to realize what you have, to count your blessings but I am just blah. I thought the simplest wish would not be so detrimental but it has been. I pleaded with the Lord to let  kaiwinn become mine again and He answered my prayers but it just made me realize that I can not keep setting my hopes up only to be dashed. So now my Christmas is a wash and I sit here brooding wishing that we could already be at the 28th and this whole shebang would be blissfully over.

I am supposred to go see the parents in a few hours and I just want to stay curled up in apartment and bawl but I was always the one expected to make an appearance not my bro (he always seems to get out of everything, it's bogus). So I will paint an expression of calm on and go out and brave the "elements" and be home tonight. I love ya mom and dad but you're complete assholes, nightmares. I told them in true Scrooge fashion that I am keeping tomorrow for myself and they were not happy and I said too fucking bad. I have let them walk over me too many damn times and I wont let guilt or loyalty to family make me all soft and easy to manipulate. God, I am such a bitch but I need breathing room >.< Bah humbug and blah blah blah. oh yeah and an unhappy new year :P