So in all honesty, for the longest time, I've felt like I have no place on the internet. I have zilcho to offer, and because of that I have zilcho friends. Let's be honest, here, the three kinds of people who get to have a community here on FA are people who are artists, who are affiliated with artists (Significant other, bff, roommate), or who make enough money/have cheap enough hobbies that they can frequently commission artists.

I used to have an 'in' to having friends; a friend who was an artist, a better babyfur than me, and we were good friends. Suddenly, I was included! People even TALKED to me, either out of curtosy to my friend, or as an in to reach my friend. And now we aren't good friends anymore. Coincidentally, people stopped approaching me, ever. I was just a past-time or a means to an end.

So now we reach Christmas, where people celebrate friendship and kindness, and give and get all sorts of gifts. So I get to read all the journals of all the people happy to have their friends, and I am not even allowed to feel BAD, because guess who has expensive presents coming. So what grounds do I have to be sad? None.

So this christmas, I get to remind myself of the one-way friendships, the instant messenger names who have outgoing logs only, the fact that here in the great and grand furry community, talk is cheap and sentiment is free, especially if you have time free between commissions. I can offer nothing, so why am I hear? Just a delusion, the hopes that once every few months, someone thinks I might be an artist who doesn't post stuff, or someone who sees me firstly as a local to Kalida and secondly as someone who has commissioned people once or twice.

I just can't help but look at the people who get their pick of a crop of friends, and I haven't seen a kernel more than once every six months. I have plans to go out on my birthday next week, but I have a hard time shaking my christmas-time gloom enough to look forward to it.

Sigh.